Finding the fit girl!

24 Hours

2012-02-10T11:46:00.001-08:00

This is officially the longest time I have been away from my almost 3 year old. This trip is a bucket list item. I've heard about this scrap booking b&b in the mountains for years. I've finally got a chance to go. I have been scrap booking on and off for years. I get to be away from home with a friend Thursday to Sunday. I do miss my boys.

The food so far has been great but not out of control. Last night we went out to Mexican. The food was good but I ate very little since I was having some tummy issues. I've been having snacks but not over eating. There was Apple pie (see pic). Breakfast was awesome - small muffin, herb and cheese eggs, candied bacon, fruit, cold Muesli with apples, and Swedish pancakes with boysenberry syrup. Seems like a ton but the portions were nice a small. I skipped the muffin. Seriously who candies bacon. Is was yummy.

Side note - both hubby and I lost weight, inches, and body fat with the weight competition. Hubby lost 13 pounds and is down to 17% body fat. We have 5 more weeks to go.

Weekly weigh in 2/8/12

2012-02-08T18:07:00.000-08:00

Weight = 199.8
Loss = +0.4
Total loss = -32.2
Emotion = Resolved and Purged

I'm a day late. Tummy sickness hit the toddler on the middle of Monday night. I had zero sleep and was in no mood to step on the scale. The other issue was that on Monday night I had a great emotional purging with hubby, aka fight and resolution. It was an exhaustive process full of tears and some yelling. All is good now but the the big picture is that I need outside help. Weather in the form of talking or a pill or a little of both.

Post race life is not where it should be. I haven't followed an exercise program yet. Lasy day I exercised was Sunday. I've had no desire to do it. Honestly I am enjoying the break. Food wise is sporadic otherwise known as not in control. Between the post race eating, bunco night, big kid party, my parents visit, my friend making loads of homemade bread and Superbowl I have indulged way too many times to have a good weight loss.

Right now hubby and I are on our way to do a midway weight check for the competition. I am fairly sure I will show a loss but not a big one. My resolve is that after this weekend it game on time

February Goals

2012-02-06T09:49:00.000-08:00

I drafted this post last week but with the Jan review and race racap I didn't get a chance to post.

February Goals
Weight
Goal target 195. I actually adjusted this one upwards. My post race eating has yet to get back on track. Too much crap this past week.

Exercise
Start hot yoga classes. I attended my first yesterday and I am sore and beat today. Hubby bought me a Groupon for the a new local studio. The Groupon was super cheap so several friends joined up too. Kettlebells at least two times a week. Lastly at least one if not 2 walks or hikes in the week. No more than 2 days between workouts. Ideally I really only want one break day a week.

Life
Continue to work on office. It's gonna take some time. Finish Christmas scrapbook. Purge and organize scrapbooking supplies, etc. Purge and organize school and art supplies. Continue to meal plan and start adding in new foods.

The HOWs

Limit my computer time with a timer. I lose track of time too much. What I think was 15 min is usually an hour or more.
Schedule my exercise and DO IT
No more food cheating. This next weekend is my scrapbook retreat and I have 0 control of the food choices. I will have to focus on portion control.
Schedule my organization session. The timer thing worked for me. Total focus on the task for a set amount of time.
Add more veggies and fruit.

Excited!

Race Recap–Tinker Bell Half Marathon 1/29/12

2012-02-03T07:40:00.001-08:00

On Saturday I was a bundle of hot nerves ready to explode. It was a combination of race nerves and too much to do in too little time. Hubby asked kindly if I could get the floors mopped. Our entire downstairs I covered in Laminate wood that was super fuzzy and filthy. He was having a friend over on race day and wanted a cleaner house. I also had to pack for the night over, have my weight group meeting and some grocery shopping. I am so happy my friend I decided to stay overnight near the race. being away from the home and kids allowed me to decompress and prepare. We live about 30 min away but with an early start time (5:45 am) and parking nightmares a hotel stay over was an excellent choice. Plus our corral was right across from the hotel (bonus).

The night before we went to dinner and it seemed that everywhere we went we ran into other racers. It was fun chatting with people about the race. I slept ok the night before. We set our alarm for 4am and luckily the hotel provided a continental breakfast and the opened in 2.5 hours earlier for us racers. We were in the last corral. Probably just under the banner line in the way way back of the picture below. I think there was about 10,000 racers.

Picture sourced from Run Disney Facebook page

It is hard to put into words how the race was. I will try. I have to say Disney does a great job. I saw almost every character was out there. I didn’t stop anywhere but it was cute to see. I loved the cheer, dance and band squads scattered throughout the race and the occasional music locations too. The Read Hats ladies were super cute/ We even had some Marines and a Marine rock band. There was a ton of turns in the race which apparently for the serious runners that is an issue. It didn’t bother me at all. I was very focused once I crossed the start line. I put my headphones on and went. It was weird that I really didn’t need my music (normally I do). I was barely listening to it. I did intervals of running and fast walking. No set system, just ran when I could and wanted to. I get an eye on my watch. I ultimately wanted to come in at 3 hours even though I did not train at that pace. I hit 12 miles around 2:50 so I knew trying to make 1.1 miles in 10 min would be hard and too much so I did what I could. I was a mere 4 min over my actual goal. It was a goal I really didn’t tell anyone about.

Recovery was fine. Stairs were painful on Sun and Mon. The weird thing is that I have been super tired and very moody. Everything is irritating me. Don’t know if its related. I might have spoiled myself by choosing Disney as my first race.

January in Review

2012-02-01T14:04:00.000-08:00

Bye to January 2012, Hello February.
Start of Jan = 204.8
End of Jan = 199.4
Total Loss = -5.4 pounds

View my original Goals here.
Weight - Goal 199 pounds. Technically met this one. I was 199.4 so if you round down I made it.

1/2 Marathon - Goal - finish in 3 hrs and 30 min. I finished the marathon faster than my stated goal. To be honest my secret goal was to do it in 3 hours. The night before I shared this with my friend. For some reason I thought that would be a 15 min/mile but no the night before I discovered in order to meet my 3 hour mark I would have to keep a 13.7 min/ mile pace. Big difference.

Life goals
Meal Planning
I am really proud of this one. I'd say we ate dinner at the table probably 25 nights. Not 100% before 6pm but still at the table. Not every night was a family meal, sometimes I had to pull out the old kid favorites like pizza or chicken dinos, while I ate something on plan or leftovers. Regardless of this we still sat at the table without distractions. Even my toddler has gotten into the habit of asking about our days at the table.

Office
Technically we don't have an office (a room with doors) but we have a location on our main floor that serves as office space. It is technically the family room. Both hubby and I have been purging the office. Below is the before photos. It's not a pretty sight. I cleaned off all the tops. Purged a bunch of items and dusted everywhere. Hubby worked on scanning files and shredding.

Legos

My LEGO project will be done today. This project requires the help of my almost 8 year old. He uses every molecule in his body to avoid this. Son and I came to a compromise. He will still have a bin with scattered LEGO pieces alongside of his organised system. It is also a difficult task to accomplish with a nearly 3 year old wanting to be a part of the action. This will probably be an ongoing item but by end of day today the system will be in place.

I honestly think this is the first month I met all my set goals. How did you do?

Weekly Weight In 1/31/12

2012-01-31T10:18:00.001-08:00

Weight = 199.4
Loss = –0.4
Total = –32.6
Emotion = happy recovery

I am happy about my weight. I know it not a great downward loss but considering all the half marathon stuff and to be honest race eating, I am thrilled with the number. You should have seen the meal I ate before and after the race. Night before I had a CPK Tostada pizza and 1/2 order of potstickers. I ate all but one slice of pizza. On race day, right after I had a banana and bagel, then about 2 hours after a big breakfast – bacon, cheese and avocado omelet, home fries, English muffin, OJ, and some French toast. It was a seriously loaded breakfast with all the trimmings. I knew I wouldn’t be having a breakfast like that in a long time.

Now is the time for me to shift focus and plan out. Now that the marathon is done I will no longer be doing distance and time training. Honestly I am happy to be done with that. It took so much time. Not to mention I am getting squishy from lack of resistance training. Right now my ideal week would be – a yoga class, 2 to 3 kettlebell workouts, a hike, and / or running. I want to run a full 5k non stop. I have to think about the timing, when and where.

On the food front - Our (hubs and I) fitness competition ends in 6 weeks. It’s only 6 weeks. I can buckle down and make bigger changes to my diet since I am no longer marathon training. I need to plan out this one to but I think the biggest change I can make is toss the bread out and bump up the veggies big time.

How was your week?

I Earned my Wings

2012-01-30T11:29:00.001-08:00

I completed my first half Marathon yesterday. 13.1 miles straight, non stop at the Inaugural Tinkerbelle half Marathon at Disneyland.

It’s 5 am Sunday morning. What were you doing. I’m ready to go

My stats. I did a 13:55 min mile pace for the total race.

Me and my medal. Sorry for the bad pic. I took it myself with my phone. More later. I am in recovery and recoup mode.

That Dark Place

2012-01-26T11:24:00.000-08:00

I feel like I can't celebrate my weight loss until I get below my low of 185.

I feel like a fraud celebrating finishing a half marathon this Sunday because I'm not running the whole race.

Logically I know this is ridiculous but deep down inside there is something that refuses to allow the celebration. Why do I persistently discount my accomplishments? Why does that deep down black part of me constantly scream "not enough"?

That same black place leads me to question the genuine feelings or compliments from others. I question their intents. The other night big boy wrote a note to daddy. It was a sweet note. Hubby read it and thought it was cool. In my head I'm thinking "no your just saying that, your not happy with the kids". Talk about being in a dark place and this all in my head. Hubby had no indication I was thinking this nor did he show any signs of not be genuinely happy about the latter. My dark place also makes me believe that I am being judged by others all the time. I also go so far as to put a voice to what I think they are saying about me. I read between the lines when there is actually no lines to read between. I don't believe a person when they truly say something positive about me.

I recognise this dark place. I desire some light to be shed into the depths. I want to come out of the dark.

Weekly Weigh In 1/24/2012

2012-01-24T08:17:00.000-08:00

Weight = 199.8 yeah ONEderland
Loss = -2.2
Total Loss = -32.2
Emotion = fighting

Why fighting? I am fighting cravings. I am fighting exercise. I am fighting my attitude.
Rain rain go away, come again some other day. Don't get me wrong I live cold rainy weather but it makes me want to stay home and be lazy. The last 2 says I holed up at home. I've been getting stuff done but I haven't exercised in 3 days. Today we have our last big walk before the race. I plan another walk on wednesday and Friday. Race day is sunday. I know I will be a nervous wreck on Saturday. The race starts at 545 am. Yikes.

Last Thursday was eventful. I left my full wallet on either the Target register counter or in the cart (not likely). I was a bit distracted by a certain toddler. I didn't realize it was gone for a few hours. Later in the evening after tearing up the house I decided to start calling my banks. Found out my ATM card was used at a local gas station down the street from target. The lovely person got away with about $100 cash, all my cards and DL, my receipts for stuff I have to return, and a $50 movie gift card.

Food wise I am still working on portions, reducing the sugar, drink more decaf no sugar tea, and avoiding the starchy carbs like rice, potatoes, and most breads. I have been eating 40 calorie bread. I splurged on Friday night and Saturday night. I would probably be lower if I hadn't.

What I learned This Week

2012-01-22T22:40:00.001-08:00

I’m back I opened Blogger this morning to a disabled Google account. The screen said I might have violated something. I was completely blocked from my blog. I have no idea why. I sent an email to customer service and 12 hours later received a generic response “We apologize for any inconvenience you may have experienced. The issue you described should now be resolved.” Ok moving on. I thought it might be fun to review my week and reflect on what I learned.

"Brown rice spaghetti noodles are fantastic. I picked mine up at Target.
My child can print neat when he wants to
I like running, after the half marathon I want to run a full 5k. I am not running the half, just some running intervals.
I would love to find a way to get away with my hubby alone with no kids. Not sure how that will ever happen
Week 2 of the weight loss support group I formed is going really well. We have a few who haven’t joined us yet. I hope they will soon.
When he wants to, my hubby knows how to bring me back to reality when I am wound up tight and ready to explode
1 hour of uninterrupted office DE-cluttering is a LONG time
Having my husband work for 4 and half 13+ hour days, then golfing a full day, oh and beer brewing a full day, sucks big time.
I will reach all my January goals, I will, I will, I will
I love Bellini's or at least the ones in the bottle my neighbor and shared
I did jump into ONEderland so weight in day (Tue) will be great

How was your “previous” week? I don’t know if I am odd here but to me my week begins on Monday.

Oprah Smackdown

2012-01-19T07:00:00.000-08:00

Oprah just smacked me upside the head. I was killing time watching "Oprah's Next Chapter" on NJ governor Chris Christie. Christie is an obese man, probably a morbidly obese man.

The two were discussing why weight is they one thing they (he and Oprah) are not successfully with. Oprah's asked "why can't you handle this". She talked about the guilt involved - I can handle so many things but I can't handle my weigh. Oprah said she is a compulsive overeater and food is her drug of choice. When stressed, she eats. Tired- eats, etc.

Crap balls I am like Oprah. Someone who is crazy successfully in her life can't be successful with her weight. First reaction was oh crap if Oprah can't do it how the hell can I.

Second reaction was that I need help. I need professional help. This needs work and time and fixing.

Weekly Weigh In 1/17/2012

2012-01-17T12:05:00.000-08:00

Weight = 202.0
Loss = +0.6
Total = -30.0
Emotion = topsy turvey

As an admitted habitual scale stepper I wasn't thrilled with my occasional numbers all week. I expected more of a drop. I never went up but I just couldn't seem to budge under 201. Yesterday I had lunch with my mini men at Apple - Bee's. I had a soup and salad combo and it was insanely salty and gross.

I love the helpful comments I received on binges. One of them about keeping a binge under control like to 500 calories. That was so helpful yesterday. The cranky toddler and the salty meal triggered me into wanting to bake. I though about what I wanted. Texted a friend who said to cut the eggs and cut half the batter so I don't have a ton of cupcakes around. Here's what I did:

I box yellow cake mix with half dumped in trash
1 egg
About 1/3 cup plain Greek yorgourt
Water

It baked beautifully and the kids and I ate it without frosting. I think overall the damage was minimal. For dinner I had a piece of chicken.

I happy to say that I will get a chance to go away for the first time without my kids or husband. Hubby and I will have to jump through big hoops to make it happen. I gave been looking forward to this scrapbooking weekend forever.

Does D = B?

2012-01-16T07:26:00.000-08:00

All last week I was dealing with disappointment.

I am bummed that my walking partner and I haven't been able to get the miles in. I am really bummed that my partner may pull out of the the race outright. I am not going to push her into something she doesn’t want to do. It’s not my style. She has to make the decision on her own if she is going to do the race. I want her to do it becasue I think she can.

I am really disappointed in hubby’s work and him. For over 6 months I planned to go away for a scrapbooking weekend in the mountains at a beautiful B and B. I have been wanting to go to this place for 5 years. I’m paid in full and its in 3 weeks. So lets back track to November. I email hubby a list of dates that he needs to take off so I can attend this retreat. His incorrect understanding of department policies was that he can’t request time off before 4 weeks in advance. Flash forward to this weekend. He CAN”T get the fricking time off. There is too many officers taking the same time off and there is also 2 people in his area on admin leave (that anther stressor here I can’t get into). I am trying very hard to not be pissed at him. He was WRONG about the requesting time off policy. He could have requested the time off in Nov or even before that. He is taking the issue up the chain but there is a BIG chance I will have to cancel my weekend, lose $300 and not get the break I have desired for a LONG LONG time.

Add to this, the toddler is sick and I am too. Not to mention I am disappointed in myself for not getting the miles in and not walking without my partner. Why do I let other peoples actions dictate my own actions? I should have walked without her. I am a magnate for other peoples emotions too.

So why does disappointment = binge for me. Saturday, in the thick of my disappointment, I binged on popcorn at the movies and later in the evening I ate 6 Hi buns (red light food for me). I haven’t binged in over a month.

How do you deal with disappointment in a healthy way?

Gear Happy Dance

2012-01-14T09:15:00.000-08:00

After trying Road Runner, Big 5, Target, Walmart, Dick's, and Sports Chalet I think I finally found some exercise clothes that will work.

Old Navy has a new Active line. I have to say so far I'm fairly impressed. They fit great. I don't think the pants will roll off my belly or fall down - 2 common occurrences. The tank could use a bit more coverage on the ladies but that problem might be just exclusive to me. I picked up this swag.

2 pairs of compression and wicking capris

2 jackets - 1 heavier

1 tank

3 shirts

All this for about $115. Why so cheap its all on sale until Jan 26. That's why I wanted to write this. Check it out if you want. Everything feels high quality and its all wicking with extras like hidden pockets, earbud holes, etc. I will road test today. The line goes to XXL, I was a L on bottoms and XL on top at 200 pounds and a DD. Lots more room for us larger ladies.

Despite the upcoming marathon, my entire exercise wardrobe needed an overhaul. I am still on the hunt for some shorts. They all seem way too short.

PS - I'm using mobile blogger so we will see how this works.

Trail Courtesy Dead?

2012-01-13T08:48:00.001-08:00

Is trail courtesy dead?

I’d say that 90% of the time a bike passes me on a trial lately I get no warning. For years I have been teaching my child to say “on your left” when he is passing someone on a pathway. It’s common courtesy. Hell, it’s a safety issue in my opinion. Why does this seem to be a dead art around here?

So many times I get shocked with the passing bike because they are going fast and you don’t expect it.

How difficult is it to say “on your left”? There is even a sign all along the trail that bikes have to yield to walkers.

How is trail courtesy in your neck of the woods.

Weekly Weigh In 1/10/12

2012-01-10T10:03:00.001-08:00

Weight = 201.4
Loss = –3.4
Emotion = on a roll

It’s been a good week on the weight loss front. I have been adjusting to the portion size reduction and slight sugar reduction. Still eating breads but in a much smaller quanity. I think I will reach my January weight goal sooner rather than later.

My weight loss group is forming. I have 11 ladies interested and we are starting this Thursday. I get excited when sharing information. But I am worried I might come across as a know it all. I have a library full of information (gained knowledge) but that doesn’t mean I check out the books (use knowledge). We will see how it goes.

Little one is looking fro trouble, time to take him to the park.

Geeze, Can’t Find Time–Too Many Pots

2012-01-08T12:38:00.001-08:00

So sorry I haven’t posted.

My parents came down for a visit on Thursday. We had a great time. On Friday we went to the beautiful San Diego Zoo. The kids were fantastic, even the toddler walked 90% of the day with no complaints. Yesterday we went to the beach and my crazy kids went in the cold water. There was some bad news shared, I won’t go into details but time will be counted in months not years.

I have 2 majors things in the pot as far as weight loss is concerned .

Number 1 – Hubby and I entered a weight loss competition thru his work. We are a spouse team named “Conflicting Interests”. It’s not based strictly on weight. They do a combination of weight, body fat on the by electric impedance (scales), waist circumference and 3 point fat calipers. The combination of the 4 measurements gives you a single number to reduce. It is a cash prize. If you show progress at half way (5 weeks) and end (10) you get a portion of your $ back.

Number 2 – this came as a Facebook epiphany. I seen so many local friends want to lose weight in 2012, join Weight Watchers, etc. So I thought – let’s gather together each week, weigh in and talk. A weight loss and fitness accountability group was formed. I have 11 ladies signed up. I am working out the details of time, etc but I hope we will be starting soon.

Day 1, Jan Goals, Resolutions, Can’t Get a Good Title

2012-01-03T19:36:00.001-08:00

Ok so maybe not exactly day 1 but I am gonna treat today like it is. Time to change things around. Shake it up. Move on from a crappy 2011 (weight wise). I will no longer feel bad about my gain. I refused to feel like a fraud. I refuse to guilty about my weight and the fact I have failed at keeping it under control. Its time to rewind back to my successful times and use the tools I have. Onward. So….

Weight = 204.8
Loss = day 1, no loss
Total = 27.2*
Emotion = Ready

* my absolute highest recorded weight, not pregnant, was 232 in 2007. As far as I know I never been higher than that.

After reading many resolutions, or non resolutions like Miz FIt and Karen. I have decided to take this a month at a time, hell mostly a day at a time. I have general idea of what I want to do, thanks Kristen for some of the insight here. The general ideas are:

Achieve my set weight of 140
Have control over food
Declutter and organize
Maintain household
Increase peace and harmony in my life and my family’s life
Start 2013 off without talking about losing weight

Jan Goals
Weight – 199, time to get back to ONEderland at stay there forever

1/2 Marathon – Finish within 3 hr and 30min. There is time limit (16 min mile max) or you get picked up. At this point my goal is to not get picked up and finish it on my own terms.

Life – Have dinner on table before 6pm. Work on menu planning and introducing foods to kids. Begin purging office and finish Lego project.

Still Here

2012-01-02T08:55:00.001-08:00

I am still here. I don’t intend to take this much time off from writing.

I have a ton to say but I need to find the time to get it all down.

Please stay tuned.

A Belated Happy Holidays

2011-12-27T08:38:00.001-08:00

This is how I spent my Christmas Day.

The boys and I went to the beach. It was gorgeous. It looks like it was empty, it wasn’t, so many people had the same idea. The last few days warmed up, I think it was mid 70’s on xmas day. We tried for a family photo but it didn’t work. Seriously I don’t have a single family photo in all of 2011. Resolution for next year, take more family photos.

I choose happiness. I choose to enjoy my family. We choose to spend the entire day, just us. We choose to pull out of other social commitments. We choose to get soaked by a wave that crashed on the rocks.

Honestly I am happy to have 2011 come to a close. Sure my babies are only getting bigger but personally I accomplished very little toward my fitness goals. Well, not exactly true. I achieved some big milestones and then let it all got to crap. More recap later, not the purpose of this post.

My moms recovery is improving. She will probably be coming down in 2 weeks.

Ba Humbug

2011-12-23T09:06:00.001-08:00

The holiday spirit has yet to visit me. Honestly if weren’t for the kids I probably wouldn’t be doing anything.

My husband works on Sat the 24th and on Monday the 26th. When I say work I mean he is gone by 4:30am and doesn’t come home until after 7:30pm. I am ultimately thrilled that he has Christmas day off. He had enough seniority to get it off. Honestly I am not sure how much worse my mood would get if he didn’t have it off.

Part of my foul mood (a very large part) is that my parents are unable to come down to celebrate with us. My mom’s last cycle of her cancer meds hit her hard and she isn’t recovering quick enough. She will never beat this cancer. The medicine keeps it at bay and has for the past 3 years, thank the heavens, stars or whatever you believe in. Yes there is a very large 800 pound gorilla always in my room. Most of the time I choose to swim in Denial that it exists. This week I haven’t been able to do much swimming. The gorilla decided to smack me in the face hard and I am still reeling from it.

I am a hot mess. I have logged over 12 miles already this week, managed a kettlebell session but skipped today. I am beat from training. Beat from my emotions. Beat from lack of sleep. Beat from the toddlers antics in the middle of the night. Beat from the toddler antics during the day ;-). Beat from all the crap I have be shoveing in my mouth.

I am trying here. I know Yoda says “Do or Do not, there is no try”. Try is all I can muster at this point.

Weekly Weight in 12/20/11

2011-12-20T14:17:00.001-08:00

I can do this

But I still weigh this

Because of this

Weight = 204.4
~~Loss~~ Gain = + 3.4

I have been struggling (for too long) with some emotional ~~crap~~ baggage that I am sure is playing a LARGE role in my food choices. I will be seeking help, when I find time to research the right person.

More later. Gotta work on the house, kids, crashing from my 8 miler today

Fitting in Exercise

2011-12-19T09:45:00.001-08:00

The other day a friend asked how I fit exercise into my life. The answer is complicated.

I don’t belong to a gym
I do have a helpful husband with sometimes 4 days off
I don’t have family to help
I do have a treadmill in my garage but I prefer outside walking
I don’t currently pay for any exercise service (no trainer)
I have my kids 24/7/365 with some minor exceptions
I do have a husband who works 40 hours in 3 days (sat, sun, mon) and occasionally OT days which means he doesn’t exist for 3 days every week. Luckily he doesn’t travel.

To start off I have only been successful in the exercise department lately. My weight, my head and my food choices are completely out of whack. Other than a few breaks here and there (sick, vacay, etc) exercise is the only thing I have been successful at. It’s not enough, FOOD is where I need to work. I have to eat nearly perfectly to affect my weight loss.

As far as exercise concerned and how I manage to do it, the answer is multi layered. When I was consistently doing kettlebells my trainer would allow me to bring the kids. My trainer kept them under control and they listen to him perfectly. Just recently I started kettlebell again with a friend. I go to her garage at 645am before the family needs me. It has to be on hubby’s off days.

For now with the walking (half marathon training) it’s complicated. At times I do have to take my 2 year old. If I keep in constant motion and supply him with snacks he stays in the stroller. Sometimes he naps in it, which is good and bad. Other toddler free occasions he is either with my husband, with my friend or with a sitter I pay. The friend I am training with sometimes doesn’t walk but offers to watch the boys to allow me to walk. I recently found a younger, yet certified sitter. She only charges me $5 for both kids. I can’t do early mornings (before 6am). I like my alone time in the evening so I don’t go to bed early enough to do early morning. The time that has been working best is right after school drop off for the 7yo, then I have only 1 kid to deal with, most days. As the day progresses so do the excuses.

I am a scheduler. I have a color coded outlook calendar I check often, it has all 4 family members on it. One trick is that on Sunday I review the week and see where I can fit in my exercise. Sometimes I even add my exercise to the schedule like this week.

********************************************************************************************************
Sorry my posts have been infrequent. I am working on fitting it all in and keeping everyone (including myself) happy.

Yeah Baby

2011-12-15T12:45:00.001-08:00

Today I did this

With my new

I returned my previous 2 pairs. Went thru Road Runner’s Shoe Dog program to discover I am still a neutral runner and size 7 wide (my fee shrunk). I was able to get them 20% off but in a size 9. It is normal to get running shoes at least 1/2 to a full size bigger. But when you are blessed with wide feet like me that might not be enough. The 8.5 I felt didn’t have enough room in the toes so I went with the 9. I have worn them twice for almost 10 miles total with no issues. They are a minimalist shoe with a 4mm difference between heel and toe.

T.I.M.E

2011-12-12T08:45:00.001-08:00

T – Total
I – Investment (in)
M – Myself
E – Equals

SUCCESS

18.07 miles for last week.

My epiphany of the week is this training takes some major TIME. The above represents over 5 hours of my week not including drive time and stretching. The kicker is we haven’t even reached 1/2 of the race distance (13.1) miles. You can see why I haven’t been posting much, I don’t have enough time.

This week I am working with another friend and adding kettlebells (resistance work) back into the mix. I committed to 2 days a week at 6:45 am none the less. Yuck. I want my resistance training back, I am getting to squishy.

Underneath it All–Part 2

2011-12-08T08:04:00.000-08:00

Part 1 is here.

New wicking underwear was an EPIC FAILURE

This is what I did.

Let me explain. I have no hips. My love handles are wider than my hips and then my waistline goes slightly in from my handles. My waist and love handles are by far the widest part of my body. So with all this loveliness, I need my underwear and pants for that matter to sit above my love handles. Otherwise it won’t stay up and all the love will be hanging out. Not pretty. Pic below explain it all. That is my normal cotton undies. Keeps all the bits in.

The new Under Armor underwear rolled under my belly and sat on my pubic bone and double c-section scars. ~~Nice and comfortable.~~ They also rode up my crack. They wouldn’t stay put. When they managed to stay up (briefly), some of my fat would hang out underneath (sorry for the visual).

I am about to chuck the underwear idea and buy some wicking pants and go commando (not a preference of mine). Heck I might buy the men's running shorts. You know the ones with the tights underneath looser shorts. Or maybe I can find some way to make my tush stop sweating. This is all new to me.

Is a $30 pair of plus sixed undies my only option. That seems crazy to me to spend that much on 1 fricking pair. I really don’t have time for this but I really need a solution. 13.1 miles is a long way to go with a sweaty tush.

Weekly Weigh In 12/6/11

2011-12-06T08:54:00.001-08:00

Weight = 200.6
Loss = –1.8

Next week, back in ONEderland for sure. It’s funny how slow a weight gain comes off. Just a hard as it was the first time you tried to lose it.

Review of my week - I was amazed that I clocked 15 miles last week. Even though I took a 2 day break after the super long walk last Tuesday. This week I want to hit closer to 20 miles. Water is hard to get in. I have been drinking more tea (it’s cold). I need more veggies big time. I am still allowing too many indulgences.

I did have a big boo hoo day. I was looking for pictures for my 7 year old star student to bring to school. Boo – there is not a single picture of the 4 of us. Boo – I am still fat. Boo – I have been fat for too long. Boo – I HATE my skin. That same day I picked myself up and went for a 3.7 mile walk. Mood changed drastically.

This can be a long, challenging, suck ass but well worth it battle. It’s not the “I will be thin” that makes it worth it. It’s the feeling, the accomplishments, the pride, the clothes, the energy, the fun, and the love of self that makes it worth the long hard battle.

Underneath it All

2011-12-05T08:49:00.001-08:00

Let’s talk underwear. If this is too TMI skip this. I am simple girl. Cotton, full brief, Lane Bryant size 14. Been wearing it for years. Covers all the bits and stays in place. Since I have been obese for years this is probably the reason for the granny panties. I will wear a cotton thong for very special occasions but it’s a big ridiculous with all the belly fat hanging out where it shouldn’t. At the running store the other day I picked up a pair of Under Armor wicking boy shorts in XL for my sweat issues. I tried them on over my cotton grannies. Lordy I think the mirror was even laughing at me.

This is crazy. I am sweating from 2 areas (seen above) in just a 55 min run / walk. More walk than run. What will happen on a 3.5 hours 13.1 mile race. I did buy the Under Armor XL briefs (not boy) but have yet to try them. I still have to wash them.

I need to find an solution. On my nearly 4 mile walk yesterday it was uncomfortable and I often had to “pick my seat” to adjust my comfort. I can’t be the only one with this problem.

Weekly Weigh In 11/29/11

2011-11-30T12:47:00.001-08:00

One day late

Weight = 202.4
Loss = +0.2

I didn't want to write this post. I didn’t want to admit that I failed to be where I wanted to be (199). But then again this blog is all about accountability. So here it is. It’s not tragic but its not good. Food is where I failed. The 10 day cold didn’t help much either.

I Did and I Didn’t

2011-11-29T22:09:00.001-08:00

I Didn’t – weight myself this morning. Major lack of sleep and a rough night equals a rough morning.

I Did – finish week 5 Day 1 of Couch to 10K. I was running for 2 min 30 seconds for 12 intervals

I Did – This. A run walk. See the red for my path.

I Didn’t – Let my fear get the best of me. I’ve always wanted to go on this wilderness trail. As you can see above it’s right next to civilization. But as you can see below, it’s still wilderness and that was a wide part of the trail. We live in Mountain Lion Country. Smart idea – maybe not. Proud – Hell yes.

I Did – get a major blister. I wore my New Balance barefoot shoes. I think I will return them. I love them but I don’t think the part that gave me a blister will change.

I Didn’t – Allow my tired grumpy self to find an excuse not to accomplish what I did.

I Did – pat myself on the back. Today I WAS one of those people I always wanted to be. I used to be in my car, etc and look at people running and think “that’s cool, I want that to be me”. It was me.

I Didn’t – Make the best food choices. Can’t be perfect all day can we

What is your Did and Didn’t?

Black Friday Blues

2011-11-28T14:31:00.001-08:00

On Black Friday I went to Road Runner Sports to finally buy some new running shoes and maybe some higher end running gear. I am a firm believer in buying the correct running shoes regardless of price. I love RR and I love that you can return the shoes (even used) up to 90 days.

I ended up with 2 completely different shoes (thanks to the return policy). I want to get into barefoot running and I need a flat shoes for kettlebell training so I went with the New Balance Minimus. But since my half marathon is a mere 9 weeks away and long distance is not recommend with barefoot shoes and beginners I went with the traditional but very light Brooks Ghost. I did a 3 mile walk / run with both and so far I love the NB. I am not sure about the Brooks (possible return).

Onto to some clothes. I have mentioned before that I look like Humpty Dumpty. I am not being hard on myself, it’s my reality. I carry 85% of my weight between my collar bones and hipbones. I have very little excess weight on my hips, butt, thighs, calves and arms. I have a man belly. Seriously I am not exaggerating, it is a man belly for sure. My love handles are about 2 inches wider than my hips. Big belly.

I steeled my will and set into the dressing rooms armed with L and XL exercise clothes. I was able to put everything on but it wasn’t pretty. I tired some compression capris and shorts. I didn’t feel enough compression with the XL so I went to the large, Oh crap when I pulled them over my man belly I pulled the drawstring out. Great, now I am in the dressing room trying to fish out the drawstring out of the waistband. Fantastic. Nothing felt right.

HELP! Who carries bigger girl but higher quality exercise gear. I am looking for wicking, compression, non cotton materials (sweat). I am considering going back and trying the men's shorts. I want to go to stores because so many online stores charge for return shipping now.

I just want something that fits, keeps my bits and pieces in, keep the sweat off me and I don’t feel like a sausage in it.

** I have a whole post just dedicated to wicking underwear experience at Road Runner, stay tuned.

Are you Waiting?

2011-11-27T09:48:00.001-08:00

Lyn at Escape from Obesity asked her readers “Are you waiting until Jan 1?”

I made a comment on her post but I wanted to expand on it here.

My plan is to weigh less on Jan 1. About 5 to 10 pounds less. With my half marathon at the end of Jan, I better be 5 pounds less by Jan 1.

I feel the holidays are not an excuse to eat without control. If you make the holidays an excuse you can always find excuses in everything. Life is full of excuses so make eating healthy and exercising a regular part of your life. On the other hand I am not opposed to a slice of pie, etc. Just be sensible and don’t overdo. It is easy to spiral out of control. Which is where I have been for a few months.

For me the mind set of, oh I‘ll restart tomorrow, Monday, next month……. doesn’t work for me. It just gives me another excuse to eat crap and feel crappy. Problem is I have been in this mindset for quite a few months. I know it’s the wrong place to be.

Why does food have to be the thing to make a holiday enjoyable?

Maybe my life makes the holidays easier. Closest family member is 350 miles and the rest are at least 2000 miles away. I have no job so less parties, less food situations to deal with. With hubby's job there is no holiday functions. Almost none of my friends have social parties, etc. We might have a small gathering or 2 but no big social events as of yet. As of right now the only commitment I have that is holiday related is PTA dinner out and my parents will be visiting for Christmas. The other stuff – book clubs, mom’s nights out (MNO), “Buy Stuff” social – i.e. I will be attending a Tastefully Simple party next week, birthday parties, etc – This is life, this is normal, this is my regular “deal with” stuff.

I ask you you “Are you waiting until Jan 1?”

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T08:13:00.000-08:00

We are either driving home or relaxing and waiting for the fest. Eat sensible and use moderation. Enjoy the time more than the food. Have a wonderful time.

Weekly Weight In 11/22/11

2011-11-22T08:08:00.000-08:00

No weigh in today, I am out of town for the holidays. My goal is 200 for this week and 199 for next week.

The cold knocked me on my tush but I kept my weight under control. I was sick Tues thru Sunday (Writing this on Sat pm so I hope I will be done by tomorrow). Anytime I started to do more activity (everyday stuff) I would feel worse. I lost my voice on Friday.

As I said before, being at my parent house is a challenge for me. The food is the big issue since my mom stocks it with all the treats and yummies that I enjoy. Since she raised me we have a tendency to enjoy the same food, within reason, go figure. I am more adventurous than mom, I love sushi and fish, she won’t touch fish period.

Exercise is a challenge too. One the place is so relaxing and its not my home so I don’t have to sweat all the details - so the last thing I want to do is get up and exercise. Two – hubby has a tendency to let down his guard too and relax. He pulls me in like a vortex. Three – being in the mountains there is no sidewalks or well maintained routes and the elevation is much higher than I am used to at home.

Food Journal Ladder–Repost

2011-11-20T08:45:00.000-08:00

I LOVE this info originally posted on 7/25/10. I am in Level 1 right now.

I found an excellent post about food journals here. I asked the author's permission to use her idea to explain my own feelings about a food journal. I really thought it was an incredible explanation about the process of tracking your food. The first part of this post is http://lowstressweightloss.com/ detailed description with a little editing and the second part is my personal evaluation. I highly recommend visiting the site. It is full of helpful advice.

The Food Journal Ladder :

Level 0 : “Healthy Eating”

At the “Healthy Eating” stage there is no tracking, no real awareness of self-control, just eating what you consider healthy because it’s what you prefer & it’s become habit. Sounds good in theory, but in practice it’s wickedly hard to do — one of those things where the ‘devil is in the details’ – it doesn’t take much to let this slip a bit and then a bit more and then you’re in a cupcake pit UNDER the ladder in the “free for all” eating space…

Level 1 : Eat with the intention of Losing

More than just “healthy eating” this also is a concerted effort to hold back enough volume and food choices so that you achieve a loss. It builds on everything you already know about dieting. Not for beginner dieters. Sort of a more controlled area of ‘intuitive eating’ type of thinking – it’s ‘intuitive dieting’ where you know when you need that spoonful of peanut butter, but you also know to reach for celery or brush your teeth instead of eating at all…

Level 2 : Write it all down

This can be done with various levels of control. You can write it ALL down, or you can write down just the meals that are problematic, just the special event, just the transgressions, just the weekends, etc. At its most basic it’s just an awareness tool to make you aware of choices you make and accountable to reporting them to yourself. Can do pen & paper, or electronic records of many types – Excel, word documents, emails to a buddy, your blog…

Level 3 : Counting

This is the level where you watch a number (or more than one, depending on your diet plan). Calories. Fat. Points. Carbs. Protein. Glycemic Index. Sodium, whatever. You can do it on paper if you have a reference book with the values of your food (and you have a basic idea of serving sizes as a rule of thumb). Today there are lots of good electronic tools too – dedicated software, many good websites (a lot of people use FitDay or LiveStrong’s Daily Plate, or Sparkpeople or iphone aps).

Level 4 : Weigh, measure, count, track : the full enchilada

At the highest level is the actual weighing & measuring. It’s more precise than the other levels but it’s more involved, takes more mental energy and might create extra stress if you are worrying about an extra 3 Cheerios that you ate. On the other hand, nothing makes things clearer than measuring 3/4 of a cup of cereal into the bowl & then measuring out the milk & realizing that the quantity you’ve been eating daily from that bowl is probably 3 times “one” serving.

Where Finding the Fit Girl “fits” on the ladder

Level 0 – This is where I want to be for the rest of my life. I can visualize myself here when I visualize the fit girl inside me.

Level 1 – I have been her for the better part of 3 months with the exception of my vacation, off the ladder there.

Level 2 – I started here in Jan thru about April. I just tracked transgressions from my food plan. If the plan was a low carb week with bread allowed at lunch. If I ate something off that plan then I would just jot it down on my excel file. This was a successful time for me.

Level 3 – The difference between levels 2, 3, and 4 is what really struck me when I first read about the ladder. I can see the difference now between full tracking (level 4) and partial tacking (level 2). I can see myself using level 2 and 3 but not the full level 4.

Level 4 – I completely understand the need for this tool. I also see where I might need to refer to it for a time period but right now I do feel I have portion and size in control. This is the level where I get nutty which directly leads to failure.

Applying the Food Journal Ladder to myself :

My ultimate goals is to be in level 0 all the time but right now I need to switch some things up, lose some vacation weight and regain some control on things.

I want to thank http://lowstressweightloss.com/ for the permission. She did such an excellent, detailed job there is no way I could have done any better.

1 Step Forward and 10 Back

2011-11-16T08:52:00.001-08:00

My life seems to constantly in this cycle.

Yesterday I started feeling crappy. Late in the afternoon I came down with a fever and my whole body ached. Got a cold. My little one had a fever last Sunday and now has a congested cough.

My plan was to do kettlebells on Tuesday and run / walk today. No exercise on Tuesday and I am debating about today. This is one time I can’t read my body correctly. I know some people would still exercise (if no fever). My body is screaming lay on the couch and watch TV all day. Do I push forward or give myself another day. I have a cough, I ache but I think no fever. It’s 8:45 am here. What would you do – Exercise or Relax?

Even though I wanted to stress eat big time yesterday, I didn't. I did eat my typical sick meal for dinner – Lipton noodle soup with saltines and a grilled cheese sammie. The grilled cheese was on light bread.

I hate getting sick, especially when I am motivated and getting back on track.

The big suck is this cold / virus might ruin my thanksgiving plans. Hubby had a lump in his throat this morning. Our plans are to drive to my parents on Saturday. We can’t exposed my mom to any colds since she is on anti cancer meds.

Side Note - My 3 foot high, 27 pound tornado pulled a fire alarm at school yesterday. The whole school was evacuated and the Fire Dept. showed up. I was in the PTA room helping count money. The room has corners and nooks so I didn't have 100% eyes on him, obviously. I love my life, I love my kids.

Weekly Weight In 11/15/11

2011-11-15T07:31:00.001-08:00

Weight = 202.2
Loss = –2.6 *

* from my high recorded on 11/13 of 204.8

I’m back. My weekly weight ins are back. On Sunday morning I said enough, I goal planned and planned my next 2 weeks. With my goal plans in mind I said on Tues I will be 202. I even put it and my exercise plans on on calendar. I never said I wasn’t anal.

Back to basis here. Slow and steady. As my trainer said the other day. There is no new plans, pill or shot. I know what to do. His words – DIET, EXERCISE, DIET, and DIET. I define diet as anything I put in my mouth.

On a side note I have have been in an organization and purge mode. It feels great to clear out some clutter around here. I don’t know where the motivation came from. I think it stems from hubby getting some big jobs done around the house. It motivated me to continue the process and get the house in better shape.

Bear With Me

2011-11-13T16:23:00.001-08:00

This mostly is mostly for me. Its my 2 week plan to get on track. Today is the proverbial Day 1. The restart day. The clean up your sh*t and do better day. Today the scale read 204.8. I plan to take it slow. Going low carb, super clean is not the best idea when you have a road trip, stay at your parents and Thanksgiving coming up.

In the next 2 weeks I will:

Take my vitamins and medicine on time
Drink water – harder now with cooler weather
write down what I eat
portion control
strive for meal carbs below 30g and snacks below 15g. I will still eat bread, just limited. Lunch today was one slice rye instead of 2.
up the veggies and fruit – lacking here big time
no binges – I will have to control myself with the turkey sammies – I could eat 2 without thinking. I will also have control at my parents house – land of sweets
simple foods and no desert items – except for 1 slice on t-day

Exercise
I was doing great but early last week I was done. My body hurt for 4 solid days. I found excuse after excuse not to exercise. I went an entire 7 days with no intentional exercise.

This week – Mon – C210K week 3 day 2, Tue – k-bel or yoga, Wed - C210K week 3 day 3, Thu – k-bell, Fri – rest, Sat- C210K week 4 day 1

I realized today its not as bad as I assumed. Yes I gained weight but I can fix it. I can meet my long terms goals.

Why I’m Not Writing Much

2011-11-12T19:08:00.001-08:00

Some days start like this

My attempt at soccer ball cupcakes

And then my days can end up like this

Cupcakes no more, thanks to the tornado in my house.

But dang he is a cute tornado

Toddler Tornado asleep on the floor.

Hubby’s Disappointment

2011-11-08T06:48:00.000-08:00

I need to explain why hubby is disappointed with me.

Let me be 100% clear – it is NOT because he wants be thinner.

It has absolutely nothing to do with my weight.

I am married to a very good man. A man with flaws and a man who comes across as a gruff and has some socialization issues. But those who know him deep down know that he is good man. He is a man. He is NOT a yes man. He is a man who truly knows me better than I do and can call me out on my shit. He knows how happy I was when I involved in my getting fit journey. He saw my excitement with new successes.

He was proud of me. He knows I want to be a success with this. He believes I can do anything I set my mind to.

Lets be honest here. For the entire 12 years I have known him I have always been some form of overweight. Never lower than 190. He has no problems with an overweight women.

Nineteen

2011-11-06T06:12:00.000-08:00

I stepped on the scale Friday morning and it screamed back at me 204.0 pounds. Later on I was thinking. Holy crap 204 is 19 pounds from my low of 185 reached in March of this year. 19 pound gain, not 1.9, no 5, no 10.9 but 19 frickin pounds.

A 19 pound gain is:

Not maintaince that I have been foolish to think I am doing
Not water retention (really wouldn’t that be nice)
why I have nothing to wear
Not a sign of success
a reason I feel like a failure, phony, fraud and a fool
why I feel uncomfortable in everything I put on
Not a Finding the FIT girl
why I feel like a stay puffed oompa lumpa
is not something I can deny
is disappointing my husband ***
is why my skin looks like crap
why I feel crappy all the time

Maya Angelou says:

“When you know better you do better.”

I know better but in the past 8 months I have NOT done better. I know how great I feel when I eat right and exercise. I also know how crappy I feel with the wrong foods. I know how to eat right and exercise.I know how bloated and uncomfortable I feel right now. It’s so bad that I have very little to wear because I tossed my fat clothes and I have been nearly avoiding social situations.

**** deserves a whole post to explain

My Apologies

2011-11-05T11:44:00.001-07:00

I am sorry for my blogging absence. I have been working some things out. I will be working on some posts today and throughout the week. They will include an honest description of where I am right now. Please stayed tuned.

5? Fri 10/28/11

2011-10-28T07:45:00.001-07:00

1. Do you prefer cotton, silk, or flannel sheets?
Neither. Well I guess Cotton. But Beech cotton. So silky smooth. You can get them at Bed Barth and Beyond. Love them but I only have 1 set.

2. What time zone are you in?
Pacific.

3. What is your favorite part of the holiday season?
Gathering of families, slowing down to spend time together, school break and cooler weather.

4. What is your favorite "wintry" drink? (It doesn't have to be an "alcoholic" drink!)
Confession time. Dam Starbucks. I am in love with the Salted Caramel Frap or Hot Chocolate. Yummy. Salt, chocolate, caramel and whip cream how can you go wrong. I had one a few days ago and said goodbye. Way too many wasted calories.

5. In your opinion, what is the worst job in the world?
I don’t know I am sure there is 1000’s of crap ass jobs out there. Anything shown on Dirty Jobs.

I Feel Pretty

2011-10-25T14:27:00.001-07:00

Today I finished Week 1 Day 2 of the couch to 10k program. Afterwards I went home and showered. I felt great, a high of sorts. Hours later I am feeling a bit lower but I had heavy carbs today so who knows the real reason.

Even through 12 weeks is a long time, I am excited to finish the program. The last 2 days I wanted to run more.

TMI WARNING
Now the I am running / walking more distance I have a reoccurring issue. I could use some ideas here.. The problem is I get sweaty on my low back, which ends going down my rear. Gross I know. Well It is making my lower parts uncomfortable, lets leave it at that, and I don’t like the feeling.

Right now I wear normal cotton undies with mostly cotton shorts or capris. Someone suggested higher end running pants (wicking) with no undies. I feel like I will have the same problem. Is there wicking underwear out there?

I will update my weight on Thursday!

Help From a Friend

2011-10-24T10:11:00.001-07:00

I have a new friend. This friend makes me feel like a big girl. I am excited about all the cool things this new friend and I will be doing.

Meet my new friend, isn’t she pretty:

My old dinosaur phone went extinct this past week. The flip part of the phone detached itself. It was DEAD. Lost all my contacts. Boo! After a ton of research, adjustment of bills and finagling I convinced hubby that a smart phone is the right choice for me and we can afford it. I had to switch my landline to Verizon (from cable) at a savings of $22 per month. This allied me to get a new phone even though my renew date was 12.17.11. Fun part was I spent 2 hours in the Verizon store with the toddler.

After much internal debate, I am good at that, I decided to start the couch to 10K program using my new friend. The program is 12 weeks so I will be done just before the half marathon on 1.29.12. The program is 3 days a week. On my off days I will do a kettlebell routine at least 2 times and I ~~want~~ need to get back into Yoga.

I loaded up my C210K app, Runkeeper app and some tunes. I am hoping and ready to go.

Oh course and as always in my life, there is a big chink in today’s plans. Plan was to start day 1 after school drop off using the jogging stroller for the toddler. Well, big kid is home sick. Alternate plan – use the treadmill when toddler naps. Flexibility is key.

A Direct Relationship

2011-10-23T07:28:00.001-07:00

My utter lack of blog writing and reading has a direct relationship to my lack of effort with my journey. Denial may be a long river but sometimes it can be an easy river to navigate. On the other hand I have been busy. Steadily busy. Although am I making myself busy in order to swim in Denial again?

My weight is roughly 199, same place it been for a long time. I have seen the wrong side of 200 way to many times for comfort. I did drop down to 196 with a 4 day show of excellence with my diet. As for my October goals - I had a week where I was slipping; eating later, forgetting my meds / vits and not getting enough water but most of the month I have been on track. Except with the weight goal oh course.

My training - I am taking a break from formal kettlebell classes for multiple reasons. I have a kettlebell at home but it still sitting in the same place. I have been focusing on the walk/ run training for my half marathon in January. I have been training with a friend, same person who is joining me in the race. Problem is that when she flakes, I flake. Wrong idea. There is no reason why I can’t go on without her. I have always been easily influenced by others.

I have been in the excuse mode of weight loss. I am telling you know it is absolutely the wrong place to be and if you ever find yourself here – GET OUT!!!! For example my head thinks – today I have a potluck so I CAN”T eat right today, why bother. WRIONG WRONG WRONG.

Still Here

2011-10-17T16:58:00.001-07:00

Sorry to all. I took an unintentional break.

Last week I did great, then came Friday. All hell broke lose and the 4 pounds I lost in the 4 days before came right back on in the next 3 days.

My mom came down for a last minute trip. It was awesome to see her but it included going out (I love) and food (love too). I didn’t make the right choices.

More later, still have company.

No Weigh In Today–Fresh Start

2011-10-11T19:17:00.001-07:00

I know my weight. I did step on the scale. I am choosing not to post it here. Not because I want to hide it. It is because it hasn’t changed or budged for that matter in over a week. I am not going to post it because I haven’t done a dam thing about it in far too long. Why show a loss number when you did nothing to work on it.

I am turning over a drastic leaf today. Cleaning out the system. I started Cooler 1 from Tosca Reno’s Eat Clean Diet. Basically it’s no sugar and low carb. This is me this week

Today hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be. I did get hungry but it passed. I had a woozy episode but I ate 1/2 an apple and it passed. Overall I feel clear. I even created a new yummy treat.

Tea Slushy
heavily brewed flavored tea *
crushed ice
chocolate whey protein

Blend and enjoy!
* I choose Aztec Fire by Teavana – yummy

What do you do as a reset? Restart?

First OA Meeting

2011-10-09T08:09:00.001-07:00

On Friday I attended my first OA (Overeaters Anonymous) meeting. The location I attended also includes a H.O.W section.

It hard to put to words how I felt it the meeting so bear with me. I don’t think a H.O.W OA meeting is the right thing for me. The H.O.W has you eat no sugar, no white flour and only portion controlled meats and veggies and specific times for 30 days and then slowly add in good grains overtime. This is not for me. I know how to eat right, I need to discover why I choose not to eat right and specific times I eat compulsively (stress, sad, social, etc).

Most of the people there were 20 years or more my senior. There was only 2 somewhere near my age. As much as age should not be an issue, it doesn’t give me a sense of comrade or the feeling someone knows where I am coming from (maybe 20 year ago they did). On the other hand ladies were kind and invited me to lunch (El Pollo Loco).

Most of the meeting was just reading from books or papers. No actions.

I didn’t walk away with “oh, this is where I start” feeling. I didn’t walk away with any take home message. I really didn’t walk away with much except an envelope with some welcome stuff in it.

Next week I am going to try a different time and location.

Some Relief

2011-10-05T10:28:00.001-07:00

I am finally feeling some relief. Last night was back to school night. I am feeling more confidence in my son’s teacher. I was so stressed out about it the past 2 weeks. Stressed to the point of anger and tears. The teacher appears to be reaching her groove and is displaying a slight bit more confidence. We are not out of the woods.

I will be breaking a rule I set for myself. The teacher needs help. She is asking for volunteers. Honestly she needs volunteers. I ~~plan want~~ need to volunteer. I know I am not the great and all powerful OZ but I would like to help out and keep an eye on things in the classroom. This same thing happened in kindergarten. His kinder teacher was frazzled, lacking confidence and turned to me and a few other moms for help. The teacher last night reminded me of the kinder teacher. Plan is to talk to hubby before I commit.

My undiagnosed anxiety and probably depression is getting the best of me. You can see if in my weight. Hubby can see it in my face and manners. I can see it in my utter lack of enjoyment.

Exercise provides relief to my mental issues but it is only a temporary fix. I need more help.

Weekly Weigh In 10.4.11

2011-10-04T10:24:00.001-07:00

Weight = 200.6
Loss Gain = +1.4

It’s not pretty. It’s not where I ever expected to be again. It pisses me off.

I am wordless today.

October 2011 Goals

2011-10-02T12:48:00.001-07:00

Bringing back an old motivator, monthly goal setting. I have been lacking in so many areas of life that I think some goal setting will help set me in the right direction.

Goal #1
Weight at 194
As of today that would be minus 6 pounds. Yes, in case you are wondering my weight has been hovering around 200. Gross.

Goal #2
Water, Water, Water
Minimum of 72 ounces of water daily. This past week at Disney and the fair I could feel my alck of water. I didn’t carry around a bottle and I was so thirsty. When the weather cool it get harder but then I can break into drinking unsweetened decaf teas.

Goal #3
Eat within 1 hour of waking
I have been waiting too long to eat, sometimes 3 hours or more, exception is my am tea. Bad idea for someone with insulin resistance. Actually bad idea for anyone.

Goal #4
Attend OA
Attend first and possibly a second OA meeting.

Today is weird. I had a decent night’s sleep and it the first day we have nothing and nowhere to go. I am so tired. Insanely tired. Can’t think straight tired. Why the hell am I so dang tired.

What are your October Goals?

Give Me 3 B’s

2011-10-01T16:33:00.001-07:00

I am beat, broke and in need of doing some serious butt kissing of the hubby. Along with the normal household, car schlepping and life stuff here is my week:
M – 2.5 mile walk, hubby worked really late, can’t remember rest

T- Help with fundraiser at school for 3 hours while hubby watched toddler, Disneyland with both kids 12p till 9pm, tons of walking.

W – Toddler music class, hubby worked OT in the afternoon. Right after he got home at 9pm I went out to a friend’s house.

Th – Bootcamp, LA county fair with big kid (no school) from 1 to 10pm (so much walking) while hubby watched 2 yo, cleaned and folded all the clothes I washed on Sun. Big time butt kissing, he never does folding anymore. Fair is so $$$, games are $5 or more. Rides even more.

F – Hubby worked, mom club meeting in am, clean up house, go to Disneyland with mom’s only in afternoon until 12:30 am, tons of walking. Kids were watched by sitter until hubby came home.

S – Kettlebells for 1 1/2 hours – ouch, park birthday party full of sugar, soccer game all with 2 very overtired, no napped kids. Toddler lost his marbles at the game, laying on asphalt of parking lot lost his marbles.

I am SO tired right now but I still have at least 4 more hours until I have a semi break. We are home for the night, thank goodness. Toddler has calmed some but is so tired. Now I just have to keep him out of trouble until bedtime.

Still Here

2011-09-30T13:21:00.001-07:00

I am still here. Sorry I haven’t blogged in a few days. Busy and Beat. I am sure there is a few more B words to describe my week. Bitchy, sure!

I overwhelmed by the To Do and the haven't dones. Looking forward to a quieter weekend ahead to chunk some items off my list.

Weight is not moving. Exercise is increasing. Food, well the weight is not moving because of the food.

I found an overeater’s anonymous meeting, now I just need to get to it.

Get Real People

2011-09-27T09:44:00.001-07:00

Lately I’ve been watching Drop Dead Dive. I netflixed (yes it’s a verb in my world) the first seasons and then watched the most recent. Premise is a young model dies and her soul is placed in a plus sized lawyers body.

The writers have made a big mistake. In the beginning the star showed dismay over her fat clothes wardrobe, how to have sex in her new body, etc. It was great dramedy (comedy and drama). Now its ridiculous. No more fat girl issues, no esteem problems, etc. She just acts like the model and talks about clothes as if she had a choice. The star was traveling to Italy with no luggage “Why pack when Prada is there”. Um, no way in HELL could this fat girl fit into Prada. Sorry, even a Prada XL (if they have it) is a medium at WalMart. Let’s be realistic here, no way could a fat person go to Italy and buy off the rack. It would be so difficult to find clothes. I am under 200, muscular and I have a HARD time finding clothes in FAT America. I am right on the plus size border and us fat ladies out there know there is so few plus size choices.

On the plus size note, I was looking at a yoga line’s online catalog. I clicked on the the Plus size tab for pants. The plus size went to XL (12-14). That was their highest size, are you kidding me. I probably wouldn’t fit into that. That is their definition of Plus Size, seriously deluded!

P.S. I missed my weigh in today. I will check tomorrow am.

Menu Planning Monday

2011-09-26T10:37:00.001-07:00

Well I actually did this on Sunday and did all the shopping. I don’t set my menu for a certain day. I pick 5 to 6 meals and then choose what to make in the morning. With the way our life works I have to be flexible. For example yesterday was eggplant Parmesan sandwiches. I made mine and then waited for hubby’s “on way home” call. The call became “I’ll be late” and turned into him getting home at 1am (19 hour day). So I will make them again tonight. Shift in plans.

Meal 1- Eggplant Parmesan sammie. – Hubby wanted to have the tradition breaded and fired type. We usually bake or roast our eggplant. I had mine last night, heavy and make me sick on the throne later.

Meal 2 – Pepper steak. Rocco’s Now Eat This cookbook has a fantastic pepper steak on page 139. This was our introduction to Anaheim peppers (yum) now in our garden (so tiny). We use Tri Tip we get on sale and trim the fat. Its cheaper. The calorie count is 326.

Meal 3 – Carnitas. First time making carnitas in the crock pot. I bought corn tortillas for this one. Wish me luck.

Meal 4 – Eggplant Lasagna

Meal 5 – Chicken in mustard sauce. Basically a breast with a Dijon sauce. easy.

Meal 6 – Chicken Ka-bobs with veggies. Use those garden veggies.

Can’t Think of a Good Title

2011-09-25T12:04:00.001-07:00

Calm Sunday around here, no plans. Working on the house, laundry and planning out the week. I haven’t done any menu planning in too long, time to work on it. We have a ton of tomatoes and eggplants so I will center my menu around the garden bounty.

Exercise
MWF walk training, I want to be over 3 miles by the end of the week?
T and TH – Kettlebell Bootcamp

New Food Love
Ok, so not technically a food but I have a new love thanks to my local Trader Joes. You can find these in the juice section for $2.99 I think.

Directions are to add 1 packet to 16.9 oz bottled water. Honesty that is a strong mix. I usually do 1 packet to about 30 oz of water. Its a light flavoring to my boring water. I sometimes mix the lemonade with Ice tea to make an Arnold Palmer.

1 packet is only 15 calories and I use only 1 a day. It is sweetened with Stevia and a slight amount of cane solids. No artificial crapola (hence the love). Yummy.

Perfect Illustration of Why - Repost

2011-09-24T08:40:00.001-07:00

Originally Posted on 10.23.10. With my current gain I have nothing to wear. Well I have clothes but I am uncomfortable in them or they are too small. I tossed all my fat clothes. I hate the feeling. I am not into vanity numbers. I don't strive to be an 8. I just desire choice. Choice to go into any store. Choice to pick off the rack. Choice to go up or down in a size. Right now I still don't have that choice. Where will I have to be in weight to have choice. 170? The big belly and boobs make it difficult.

This is why I don't use my clothes or a particular size as an indicator of success. I use the scale (yuck, I know) and my measurements. Granted this is for men's pants but I imagine the discrepancy in women's pants is even crazier. Imagine Old Navy is a full 5 inches bigger. 5 inches is a lot of extra poundage on the midsection.

I am happy to no longer be in the "women's" or "plus" section. I look forward to the day when even more options are open to me. I am on the border still between Plus and Regular sizing. With the large chest I still have to reach for XL or XXL to cover up the ladies. Otherwise I could give a crap about the size of the clothes I am wearing.

5? Fri 9/23/11

2011-09-23T12:23:00.001-07:00

1. Dream job...realistic and completely unrealistic.
Owner of a spa. But not just a spa. A place of overall well being. Even as the owner I would partake in the services and classes provided.

2. Do you fart in front of your significant other?
Really do I have to answer. Fine. Modesty doesn’t exist in my house and the includes gaseous matters.

3. What's the furthest you've ever traveled from home? How far and where was it?
By car, by plane? California to Jamaica for my honeymoon is probably the farthest I have traveled.

4. How do you celebrate birthday for your kids? Family only or friends? ... Alternate for those without kiddos: How did you celebrate birthdays as a kid?
With our closest family being 350 miles away parties are with the kids friends or no party at all and just dinner out with the family. We don’t go big ever year. In fact the toddler (2.5) hasn’t had a party yet. I feel bad about that. Last year for the big kid we went to a BMX dirt track, the boys rode and we had pizza and cake. We oh course overbought on the pizza. I always overbuy food. Sometimes its a park play date or a bounce place or laser tag. I have 2 winter birthdays so it sometimes hard to mange with the weather.

5. Fave thing about fall?
It cooler but still sunny. Slightly brisk but not cold, no rain. Love the weather.

*************************************************************************************************************
Haven’t had time or motivation or spark to write on my blog. My 7 yo is getting a new teacher 3 weeks into shcool so I helped her set up her classroom along with a few other moms. I am sore today from boot camp on Thursday (been a week).

Weekly Weigh In 9/20/11

2011-09-20T12:38:00.001-07:00

Weight = 199.2
Loss = +1.4

Public omission – I am having a difficult time. It not just with my weight loss. It is affecting many aspects of my life. My anxiety is at an all time high. My binge issues are escalated. I am unable to keep control on my food choices. The things that usually make me happy / calm are not working.

Hubby and I had a big blow out last week that resulted in a long discussion about me and how I am doing. Which is not good. The summary was I want / need to seek help.

A few days ago I sought the advice of a well informed friend. I let it all out, told her my troubles. That was HARD in itself. I struggle with admitting I need help. My wonderful friend suggested starting with Overeaters Anonymous. OA might will help with the food issue but may result in some anxiety help too considering the first step is to give up control. In addition, OA is free. Today was a binge example. PTA volunteer social with mini doughnuts, fruit, bagels, and pastries. I didn’t eat breakfast (mistake 1). My multiple trips to the table resulted in – 4 mini wheat bagels with light cream cheese, some grapes, multiple mini doughnuts (rough guess 10 +). Why didn’t I stop with the 1 bagel and 2 donuts. Why did I continue to go back and continue to eat.

Another major issue in my house is the discord in child rearing / discipline. My husband is equally involved in the child rearing, not hands off like many dads. Problem is we are not on the same page and my anxiety is causing problems with discipline. I am worry if we are doing the right thing, worry about how the NOW will affect them in the FUTURE, I worry to the point of doubt and no action.

Today was another example of my anxiety getting the best of me. Park play date, toddler was doing something I needed to change, I corrected him from a distance. Another mom near me said basically to rest of group “its funny to know I am not the only one who barks at their kids, we all have our breaking points”. I wasn’t barking at him and I was offended and felt like I was being judged. I felt uncomfortable.

My Space

2011-09-19T13:43:00.001-07:00

I did it. I created my own space. I decided to call it my space instead of a Vision Board. It’s so much more than a vision board. It is MY PLACE. No one can put crap on it or touch it. It is a place I can look at, touch and BREATH.

i started with removing all the crap. There is crap everywhere that I am working on (now that I have more time). First I purchased a Scentsy wickless candle burner and some scents. I wanted a nice piece of fabric to cover the dresser top. I picked the fabric up at Jo-anns and the fake orchids (both on sale). I would love to have a real orchid but I have too many “live” things to “properly” care for and right now I can’t add another. The pictures are from one of favorite place to buy sports bras Title 9. I haven't bought clothes from there yet but I hope too someday. Even thought they have XL, I still feel like I am too big and I will be majorly disappointed. Plus most of the styles are not for the well endowed like myself.

It’s a work in progress, isn’t everything these days. I want to add some old pics, some quotes, etc.

In a house of 2 young boys and a husband it is hard to have a space to myself. Our house is modest but it is a home and I am thankful. I tried to avoid getting the rest of my Master bedroom in the picture. The room needs major work.

My Past Attmpts p.s - repost

2011-09-17T07:49:00.001-07:00

Originally posed on 8/30/2010.

Part 2 of of my personal review of where I have been before. Part one can be found here.

I have "Dieting" more times that I can count or even remember. I tried, fail and tried again only to fail again.

At some point, don't know when, I hopped on board a program my dad created. He created an Excel files to track his calories, etc. I not sure how you would classify how we were eating but best guess would be Zone style.

Around 2002 my husband and I tried Body for Life. We really enjoyed working out together and the eating program was ok, but strict. I honestly can't remember how long I did it or if I lost weight. I remember my body changing but that is so typical of me. Even with 60 or more extra pounds on me I can completely change my shape (for the good) and not lose a single pound. So frustrating. There is that theme again - it's all about the food.

At the time of my 30th birthday (2003) and after a 1 1/2 years of trying for number 1 kid I went to Lindora. Lindora is an extreme program. Super low crab ketosis state program. I was successful, when I did it. I think there is where I got down to about 192 (maybe a 12 pound loss) and the I also miraculously got pregnant with no help. Do I believe the weight loss, helped me get pregnant, absolutely.

When I finally discovered that I have PCOS I started seeing an endocrinologist on a regular basis. She prescribed Metaformin which helps regulate insulin in my body. She also recommended following the 3rd phase of the South Beach Diet. I think I did this one maybe 3 different times and stopped. I continue to take the metaformin and Dr. said it is my choice of when to stop. I might dose down in about 20 more pounds and then off completely when I hit my goal.

One of my more successful times was under the care of an infertility specialist to get kid number 2 after 2 miscarriages and 3 years of trying. His diet prescription was - no sugar, no dairy, soft cheese, green veggies, nuts, lean protein and no starch. Hello, low carb. I lost about 15 pounds quickly and even during my first trimester of pregnancy . Got pregnant on the first IUI -Clomid try. In addition, my highest pregnancy weight never went above my high of 232.

I also remember owning books like "Stop the Insanity" and "Dr. Phil's Weight Loss Revolution" and "The Zone."

The scary thing is I don't think this list included everything I have tried and I am only 37 years old.

5? Fri 9/16/11

2011-09-16T14:02:00.001-07:00

1. If you had a weekly newspaper column, what would you name it?
Welcome to the Jungle

2. Who is your mentor/inspiration?
Yikes, this is hard for me. No time to pick a person but anyone who does IT with grace and ease.

3. What is your wake up beverage of choice?
Teavana Earl Grey Creme with German rock sugar and milk almost daily. I don’t drink coffee or soda so this is my only caffeine for the day.

4. Would you wear your mom's clothes?
I did when I was younger. I wasn’t very hip as a kid. Today I more “with it” than mom. She wears mommy jeans, light wash and tees.

5. When you were a kid, did you put posters on your wall? If so, what were they of?
Yes I did. The usually Teen Beat etc boys. I am a chameleon so my tastes changed often and still do. I can’t remember obsessing over one specific person. Just imagine the 80’s teen throb of the time.
******************************************************************************************************
I haven’t had time to BREATH this week. Still struggling with school schedule and HOMEWORK hell. More later when I get a chance.

Weekly Weigh In 9/13/11 – a Day Late

2011-09-14T09:52:00.001-07:00

Weight = 197.8
Loss = –1.4

Sorry I am a day late and have been out of touch. We are still adjusting to the school schedule and homework. The homework has been a battle royal around here. I have been working on getting back in the exercise routine too. Just got home from a 2.5 fast walk. My friend and I are working on our pacing. We walked about a 17 min mile.

I think one of the biggest misconception I am suffering from right now is that weight gained will come off quick. Wrong. It will take just a long as it normally does.

Yesterday I had my checkup with my Endocrinologist. I see one on a regular basis for my PCOS. News was great. My weight was up but all the internal numbers were fantastic considering I showed a 10 pound gain. Usually the opposite happens. My cholesterol was 199. I won’t bore you with the details.

I feel my weight gain everywhere. So uncomfortable especially in my outside clothes.

10 Years and a Lifetime Later

2011-09-11T10:24:00.001-07:00

I am sitting here today snuggling with a squishy 2 year old, next to a handsome 7 year old playing video game reflecting on September 11, 2001.

In 2001 I was a newlywed in a new town and new job light years away from my previous life. Less than 2 months before I moved from suburban Orange Country (The OC) to a border town in the hot desert mere miles from Mexico. Less then 2 weeks before I accepted a position as a middle school science teacher for 7th and 8th grade. My prior career was an analytical Chemist for a major pharmaceutical company. I had no previous teacher experience or training. Talk about crazy.

Being 3 hours behind, by the time I reached school many of the events on the East Coast had already unfolded without my knowledge. I heard some water cooler talk about stuff happened but was still unaware of the complete tragedy and attack unfolding on our country.

I enter my classroom and turned on the TV. Our TV had few channels but one of the happened to be CNN. Once I realized what was truly happening I call my hubby and woke him up. At the time he was a US Boarder Patrol agent. Like most of the US I was glued to the TV but at some point our principal requested a return to “normal” activity and the TV’s off. I had to keep myself together considering I had to be in front of over 180 11 to 13 year olds fro the rest of the day.

Flash forward to yesterday. A day where I went with my 2 beautiful sons to our cities Patriot Day celebration. My son in his Boy Scout uniform and me beaming with pride as tears streamed down my face. The celebration / memorial included bag pipes, a USMC battalion, tanks and truck for the kids to explore, a USMC family who lost their son a few months ago, a 21 gun salute, etc. My hubby was at work, work where he is a first responder. He is among the brotherhood of men and women who ran into those buildings, who provided control among the chaos.

I am proud to be an American, proud of my husband and happy to have the life I am blessed to have.

5? Fri 9/9/11

2011-09-09T12:51:00.001-07:00

1. What ringtone do you have on your cell phone?
Dinosaur cell phone. I just use whatever is on the phone. Something I will hear. My texts are a Choo Choo sound.

2. What is your favorite memory from this summer?
Watching my toddler take to the pool like a fish to water. With no lessons he can basically swim, dive and return from the bottom, jump in and pull himself out from the side of the pool. I also loved watching my big little man blossom into a young man with how he plays with friends and how he explores his independence.

3. Paper books or ebooks?
New to e-books and love paper books. Riding the fence. Love my Nook and the bonuses it has like clicking on a word and getting the definition. I am reading more with the Nook.

4. If you could have one home upgrade what would it be and why?
Only one? My master bathroom.

5. When was your first serious boyfriend/girlfriend?
Way too early. 9th grade. Mike. Who was 4 year older than me. Bad idea.

Good Start of My Day

2011-09-08T10:14:00.001-07:00

2nd day of 2nd grade. My weight is already down 2 pounds. A good amount of the weight I showed on Tuesday was water weight from the trip, etc.

Today was training day one for my half marathon in Jan 2012. I am training with a friend. Our fitness levels are different but I am sure we will sync up soon. We used Runkeeper on the iPhone. I think its off a bit, clearly we didn’t walk in water. The path around the lake is 1.1 miles and we did it 2 times plus the walk down there. This my friend’s first walk in awhile so we kept it easy.

I need to write a vacay recap. I am happy to be back on schedule and schools back in.

Goal Reward

2011-09-07T13:14:00.001-07:00

Clearly I need a kick in the pants. I am back to tracking my food and watching my water and portion size. I am not counting calories, just a basic write down everything that goes in my mouth.

When I reach 185 pounds (my lowest ever) I will buy myself 2 dresses from Title 9. I am not sure of their sizing, probably on the smaller size. I drool over their catalog when I get it and love their sports bra selection but have been too chicken to buy the clothes.

Here they are:

Now that I am thinner I enjoy wearing dresses. Problem is a lot of dress are not cut for the well endowed. They usually hit me mid boob or make me look pregnant. I need something cut near the waist. Since I want these for winter I will also have to buy some boots too (I have none).

Example of a dress I would LOVE to own but I guarantee the ladies won’t fit or I will look like I am trying to expose myself to the world.

Weekly Weigh In 9/6/11 – Day 1

2011-09-06T21:15:00.001-07:00

Weight = 199.2
Loss = +4.4

Why day 1? It’s a new day to get this train back on track.

Didn’t have time to write today. Last min stuff for school starting on Wed and catching up from being out of town for 10 days.

More later. The weight is plain gross but it will change in the right direction.

“Emancipate Yourself From mental slavery” - repost

2011-09-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

Originally posted on June 12, 2010. I still feel uncomfortable when I receive attention from men. Usually it’s only much older, creepier men so it’s easy to brush off. I not sure how I will do when it I am lighter and the men are closer to my age. I have learned to say Thank you to comments and not dismiss them.

Awhile ago I mentioned here that I dislike attention / comments from men. I said would elaborate later but I have a hard time putting my feeling about it into words. Well just the other day I read a section of a book that really put it in perspective for me. I am reading this book.

I will paraphrase some of the things she wrote. But while I was reading it more than once I put the book down with an ah ha moment. This is on page 117 and the title is "Attention is Scary" in the chapter "Reclaiming Your Life".

Many overweight people tell me they use their excess fat to insulate themselves from others... There are many reasons for protecting oneself this way. For some the fatty layer is a form of protection against abuse, shyness and unhappiness. For other's, its more of an awareness of the affliction they suffer with, being overweight ... If you have demons that make you want to hide from the world under a layer of fat .. then you have to learn to deal with those issues in a different way. Bob Marley once said "emancipate yourself from mental slavery".... If you are uncomfortable with sexual attention, do not fear. Although your new, leaner self will ... make you feel more attractive, you don't have to attract sexual attention unless you want it. The way people perceive you depends on the way you present yourself.

Let's just say in my very very long ago past I didn't deal well with sexual attention, too involved, too young. Then I started gaining weight and I spent a good part of 5 years single with out any prospects. My esteem about this was in the crapper for sure. Then I met the wrong guy and spent the better part of 3 years sort of being with that wrong guy. Luckily, I broke away from the wrong guy, sought therapy and worked on some issues and gave my heart and soul to the right guy (11 years ago and still going). The point of this is that it has been 15 years or more where I had attention from the opposite sex. It makes me uncomfortable (former shy girl) and I don't know how to deal with it. I am still shy with Mr. and I sometimes get silly and giggle. I think it's the thought of "really someone is attracted to me." I have very cute friends who to this day get attention all the time (despite the ring) but they have been dealing with it for so long they have the armor to do so. To sum it up, other than Mr. I seriously haven't been hit on in like 15 years or more. It's totally foreign to me. Hell, I might not even recognize it. So I partially agree with what Tosca is saying about how you present yourself but I think you also need some tools in your belt on how to deal with the attention regardless if you want it or not.

FMM and Comments

2011-09-02T07:20:00.000-07:00

I seen some FMM post here and there. I figured I would try my own Friend Making Monday post by on a Friday since I am on vacay. This was originally written on 8/23. I copied the questions from Spoonful of Me. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment (see below) on a couple of other posts.

1) What is the title of the last book you read? I have 3 in progress – Room by Emma Donoghue, Dragonfly in Amber by Diane Gabaldon and 4 hour Body by Tim Ferris.

2) What is the last movie you saw in a theater? The HELP with my book club. Excellent adaptation of the book.

3) Briefly describe the last person you saw today. The people I see every day, my 2 kids and hubby. I have plans to meet a friend for a pedicure in an hour.

4) Which store did you most recently shop in? Target – last min trip supplies

5) Who’s the last person you spoke to over the phone? My neighbor to finalize the Cat sitting details for her kiddos (I pay them).

6) Where’s the last place you vacationed? Navarre FL at in laws in progress

7) When was the last time you kissed someone of the opposite sex? Hubby and 2 year old

8) What’s the last thing that made you laugh? My 7 year old sarcastic attitude – no idea where he gets that from :-)

9) What’s the latest app that you downloaded on your phone? I don’t have an app capable phone

10) What’s the last kind thing you did for someone? I did this and helped a friend pack her house. She has almost no help with a 4 bedroom house and her husband is 2000 miles away.

Comments
Am I the only one the finds comments on blogs tedious and time consuming? I must be doing something wrong. I love comments and would love to comment more on all the awesome blogs I read. I get so frustrated with the process and give up. Help!!

This is what I do (can it be fixed?). I open blogger dashboard, click on “View in Google Reader”, scroll thru (and read) all the blogs I follow. When I see one I have to comment on I go back to the dashboard in Blogger, find and click on the blog (from list), then click on the post, then wait for blog load. Inside the blog I click on Post a comment. This is where it gets even worse. It is blog dependent but this is the worse case. I write my comment and try to spell correctly (mistakes often) then I have to choose the account, I click on Google account, I click on post comment, blogger shows a screen about xxx doesn’t have access, then I have to log back into blogger and unclick the stay logged in. Then I get returned to the blog where I have to click post comment. Next time I go to Blogger (my homepage) I have to log back in and click on the stay logged in. Seriously this is too much.

Update on Surgery

2011-08-31T08:00:00.000-07:00

Post surgery update. Warning Female related items following.

I has been 46 days since my last cycle and 38 since my surgery. Other then some crying episodes around the time of my cycle I had no cycle. Nothing expect a miniscule amount of slightly colored discharge.

It is so weird not having it. I will have to get used to the lack of it.

My mojo is not quite back yet. It will be.

So far I would recommend the surgery to anyone with major issues during that time.

You Scream, We All Scream, I Want to Scream

2011-08-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

The other night I helped a friend pack her house. Along with some dinner for her family I bought 2 pints of Ben and Jerry's. One for her and one for me. For a munchies I brought over some Little Caesar’s Crazy bread, 2 bags. So I ate most of the bag on the way. When I arrived I offered her some. She ate one piece and put he rest away. That should have clued me in right there.

Later on after a packing frenzy we sat to chat and enjoy our ice cream. She had Cherry Garcia and I had Chubby Hubby.

Her – small bites. Slowly eating, enjoying each bite, very slowly eating. She then decided she was done. I swear it looked like she ate a 1/4 of the fricking pint.

Me – digging in, non stop, big bits, quick, ate nearly the entire pint in the same time she ate her 1/4.

I have only known her for a few years so this is only an assumption on my part. My friend is maybe 10 to 15 of slight over weight, nice figure, mommy tummy a bit (3 kids). My guess is she has never been obese, never had food issues, never binged, never looked at the scale and thought holy sh*t I still have nearly 50 pounds to lose (post baby does not count). Again total assumptions.

I yearn to eat like that with red light items. She claimed to be in love with the ice cream and claimed to have a sweet tooth. The tooth must be microscopic.

Do you have any observations of how fitter, possibly never been obese people eat?

Skinny is Not Fit - Repost

2011-08-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

Originally posted on July 15, 2010. I did not intend this post to come out as a judgment, it was merely an observation that allowed me to reflect upon my own journey. I included some of the original comments because they were fantastic comments. I agree with the second commenter that the other ladies in the class were out of line with their comments.

The other day at boot camp a new lady started., She was rail thin. In fact some of the other ladies told her they wouldn't be in boot camp if they were as thin as her. Her goal was to gain strength. I watched her workout. She was using really low weights, like 3lb and 5lb. I use 10lb and 12lb. She wasn't able to do everything completely.

Skinny is NOT fit

The trainer mentioned the next day that the same lady texted her a bunch of time about how sore she was and how much she hurt. My first week of boot camp I really wasn't very sore. Just one day but my butt was a bit ouchy.

I will be FIT not Skinny

Another trainer mentioned that sometimes skinny people have a high percentage body fat, "skinny fat". They are not fit. I love my developing tone, muscles. I love to see the changes in my body. I love getting fitter.

Anonymous said...

Everyone has their own personal journey that is unlike anyone else's. I'm glad the skinny woman recognized that in order to achieve health that she needed to do something different. And I'm kind of sad for the women who commented that they wouldn't be at boot camp if they were skinny. Like you clearly see, fitness and wellness go so much deeper than what you can see on the outside. And I'm afraid for the women who think that once they get thin they don't need to put in the time anymore (e.g., no more boot camp). The journey is so much more than a weight goal, but a lifelong adventure. What a great reminder, Amy, that you have put in the time and have achieved so much for yourself! Congratulations on the 20!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

It is so unfortunate to hear that a thin woman is unwelcome in this Boot Camp. As you know, people can be very judgmental and judging a thin person is as sinful as judging one who is overweight.
Although this women could not lift much weight, she sounds like a much STROGER woman that those who could lift more pounds that her. She certainly seems to understand that health and fitness involves more than just a thin physique, but also includes strength. (Strength, by the way, is all relative. A person who can lift 50 lbs is not necessarily more fit than one who can lift only 20.)
I commend her for having the courage to join the group. Just like people who are obese, she sounds like she has some shortcomings but she is proactively working to overcome them. If she gains strength but still cannot lift more than others, she would still be successful in her own right. If other members are critical rather than supportive and the trainer is divulging her personal messages to the group, she may be better off with a group that is truly focused on getting fit and leading an active lifestyle.
I am glad to read that you love your developing muscle tone and are becoming more confident in your body. I hope that the feeling is coming from within. (Response – It is) When we gain confidence in ourselves based on the shortcoming of others, that confidence is only temporary until the next fit/lean/strong person comes to stand next to us.
Fat or skinny, let's accept people the way they are and support each other in their goals without judgment or criticism.
Compassion is free. It costs you nothing to have kindness in thought, word, and action for people. And someday, you might like to have the favor returned. Let's try to be compassionate, and instead of thinking the worst about people, think the best. Imagine who that person used to be, might be now, and could become. Be... kind. The world will be a better place because of it.

I am a Fool

2011-08-26T07:18:00.000-07:00

I am a fool to think I would see significant inch differences in my measurements from February 2011 to now. The numbers were pathetic. To pathetic to post here. Not worth the trouble.

I am a fool to think the exercise is a bigger component than food. I know it isn't but I am a fool to think I would see a difference when I have 5 more pounds on my body since my February measurements.

I am a fool to think I have made progress or done a dam thing in the past year.

I am a fool to think I have this weight / head / body thing figured out.

I am a fool to think I can lose weight eating the way I have been for months.

I am a fool to think

Enough of being the fool. Enough thinking *. Time to DO.

* A fit friend who works hard to be where she is mentioned that I am over thinking it. Over thinking it all. She could have a point.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

2011-08-24T08:02:00.000-07:00

Today we are off to FL for our final trip of the summer. This is a big one. We will be gone for 11 days at my in-laws. Lucky they have a pool at their house, live close to the beach and have a boat.

I am nervous about a few things. The biggest ones are related to the toddler. How will he act on the plane? How will he be at the in-laws? And how will he sleep? Not to mentioned the unguarded pool just outside the French doors at their house.

I know my weight loss is non existent. The only place I have made progress is with all the mental crap. I have decided I will treat this trip truly as a vacation. I am going to vacation from thinking about my weight loss. I will vacation from exercise. I will vacation from limiting myself. I will vacation from my head and my To Do list.

I’m not giving myself free license to gain, get flabby, not exercise and eat like a pig. It just won’t be the center of my existece. I am going to enjoy my family and engage. Exercise may be hard to come by because I will melt outside. Humidity and I are vicious enemies. I will move in the pool and do some body weight exercises – push ups, squats, etc. I will not binge.

When I get back it will be go time.

I have scheduled a ton of posts – confessionals, few reposts, stories, pictures, updates, etc.

Wish me luck on the plane with a very active 2.5 year old.

Weekly Weigh In 8/23/11

2011-08-23T12:53:00.001-07:00

Weight = Not happening
Loss = Doubt it

I am choosing to not weigh in today. I don’t want to get into it.

We are packing and cleaning for our trip tomorrow.

Sorry, I seem to be wordless today. More coming, starting tomorrow.

Pay It Forward

2011-08-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

Some of you may have read Chubby McGee’s post on http://chubzilla.blogspot.com/ about me sending her my body media calorie counter.

Why would I give away my weight loss tool?

2 big reasons.

Reason 1 – The Body Media and I have exhausted our relationship. I love the data it provides but there is some limitations about it that I do not like. I DO NOT want to discourage anyone from using this as a weight loss tool. It’s just not the right tool for me. The mechanisms behind the device do not allow it to read my exertion at a kettlebell class correctly. My arms stay nearly stationary so there it very little movement. I wish there was a device that would do what the body media (and body bugg) does and measure heart rate. As far as I know it doesn’t exist. I also began to dislike wearing it 24/7. It’s hard to put into words why I choose to no longer use the device. I won’t get into the other limitations.

Reason 2 – I think Chubby rocks. She had mentioned a desire to have a device like this. I love reading her blog and I feel a cyber kinship with her. Same relative weight, 2 crazy boys, etc. She has an amazing writing ability (not me) and easily conveys her thoughts with a humorous tone (again not me). I wish I had her tiny waist. For a month or so I have been looking at the Body Media sitting on my desk, collecting dust and I thought I could do something better with this. I could make someone else happy who deserves to be so. Chubby immediately came to mind.

I expect nothing in return. Consider it like me unexpectedly paying for your drive thru meal (not that you would eat drive thru :-). Pay it forward in some form is all I ask.

Past Attempts p.1 - repost

2011-08-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

Originally posted on June 7, 2010.

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. - Theodore Roosevelt

I feel it’s time to review were I have been. This is part dieting history and part personal history. Looking back I was not an overweight kid or teen. Because my genetic tendency is to carry my weight all in my stomach, I was probably a bit chubby at most. I never had the super thin teen body. I was athletic. I played soccer for years. I remember feeling fat and dieting on several occasion in my teens. I can't remember the specifics. I also had a chest. That developed in like 5th grade. I was teased mercilessly for that. So you can imagine a large chest on top of a bit of chunk on your tummy makes you look bigger. One of the things about PCOS is that you weight starts creeping on when you reach adulthood (fertility years).

Again due my poor memory I can remember exact details but I could guess I probably did Weight Watchers (WW) about 5 times or more between my late teens and into the 20's and 30's. I did all different programs. I did the traditional, points and tracking. I did the meals. I did the online program. I don't intend to knock WW, but I only recently discovered it's not the program for me. I think it provides tools for portion control which is a key to weigh loss success. Over the past about 10 years I learned the long and hard way to portion control myself. I am not always successful at it. I first had to unlearn the "clean you plate" mentality. That was hard. Then I had to break the eating till I am stuffed idea. Funny thing about me is that I sneeze many many times (like 30 times) when I overstuffed myself. It's gotten to the point over the years that loved ones will jokingly tell me to stop eating when I start sneezing. Buffet / party food is still a challenge for me on overeating.

I haven't been on the WW program for over 5 years or more but I now know why it never worked. Counting calories at this point is not good for me. I get obsessive about it, spend way to much time getting it just right and when I feel like it not just right I feel like I failed. When I feel failure (in any aspect of life) I seek food for comfort. No, vegetables don't not provide that comfort.

5? Fri 8/19/2011

2011-08-19T11:21:00.001-07:00

1. Do you close the bathroom door when you are home alone?
That’s funny! The only person in the house who closes the door is the 7 year old. He has been very modest the past year. I may close the door if I absolutely want some privacy but there usually someone pissed of on the other side of the door. In my master the door to toilet space is so small it’s not worth trying to close.

2. You have to walk around with a word on your forehead. That word describes you. One word. What is it?
WORKING. As in I am working on it. I am working on figuring it out. I am working on my parenting skills or lack there of. I am working on my body. I am working on my mind. etc…

3. What store do you refuse to shop at and why?
Don’t have any I refuse, just dislike and avoid. Not a fan of the Big Lots, 99 cent, Ross, TJ Max, etc. Everything is so chaotic and jumbled. Hard to fin what you are looking for. On the other hand I do refuse to buy clothes at Lane Bryant, except bras. I no longer want to be the girl who has to buy at Lane Bryant. I am almost at the point where I am too small for the store but not the ladies. Still need some shrinking there.

4. If you participated in arranged marriages for your child(ren), who would you choose for your child(ren)?
No way in hell could I. You have no idea how these kids will turn out. Even from the “good” families.

5. If you could pick how and when you would die, would you?
HEAVY. I would like to die quick and relatively pain free. As to when. I don’t want to know. As a procrastinator I would put of doing the “things” until it became too late. I would rather try to live every day with gratitude and love.

I’m Listening

2011-08-18T12:22:00.001-07:00

Who do you listen to – Your body or mind?

The other day I had some free time. Free time isn’t the best word for a stay at home mom. I had time that I choose to spend doing XX. Hubby was working, big kid at my parents and the toddler was napping. I was beat and could barely keep my eyes open. I’ve been staying up too late for too many days. I decided to listen to my body and take a nap.

I crashed. I ended up laying down for the toddler’s entire nap of 2.5 hours. Crazy! Sure my TO DO list is long and it’s not a secret I have a million of things I could be doing with 2.5 hours.

My body told me I needed rest and I listened. Was this wrong? Should I have ignored my body and worked on my TO DO’s instead. Is it all about that word BALANCE again. Was 2.5 hours indulgent? Part of me says yes that was excessive. Nap needed but 2.5 hours is too much.

I believe many people out there don’t listen to their bodies or even know how to. women especially. We put so much before ourselves. I swear my body tells me when I need eggs too. Its like this subtle whisper, you need to eat eggs and I feel great afterwards.

Do you listen to you body or mind?

Weekly Weigh In 8/16/11

2011-08-16T13:31:00.001-07:00

Weight = 194.8
Loss = + 1.8
Emotion = Read on

Late last week the scale was showing nearly a 2 pound loss from 193. Then I started making mistakes and continued to do so.

Funny thing is 2 other bloggers had brilliant posts today related to how I am feeling . Skinny Emmie’s scale showed a gain. A person asked her “how did you feel before you stepped on the scale”. My answer would be this:

I’ve been feeling stronger, thinner, healthier, constantly touching my leg muscles with admiration. Noticing how skinny my legs and arms are. My expectation of the scale was that I realistically knew it wouldn’t be a good number and I know the reasons why.

Need to Get Me Back had quote on her blog after she experienced a gain too.

"Who cares who you were last year? Who cares what you did last month? Hell, who cares you how you acted yesterday? It has absolutely nothing to do with who you CHOOSE to be today. That choice is 100% yours."

This helped me decide I am not going to Wawawa about where I am not, where I was and what I have been doing. It is what I do today that counts. Onward and downward.

Today I will be updating my inches since February. I am interested in the numbers. I expect a loss, but we will see.

Love this quote I stumbled upon today:
"In the end people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or brilliance. They either have what they wanted or a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not"- Anonymous

Manic Monday

2011-08-15T08:38:00.001-07:00

I have 15 min to go before I have to leave for Boot Camp. I am beat, stayed up too late (True Blood). Somewhere I have to find IT to get to class. Do you have IT? Monday is my Friday, the end of my “week”. Tuesday is hubby’s first day off fro the week. Although tomorrow he is working a full 10 OT shift, not much of a day off.

I am down one kid for a few days. My 7 yo is at my parents. They live about 350 miles away. Plan is to work on purging his room and buying a desk. Hopefully the toddler will be on board with our plans.

Our big trip to FL is about a week away. I always get a bit nervous with flying. Not my own fear, just a fear of how the kids will behave.

Today after class the plan is to work on the yard. I need to weed, mow, trim, etc.

The Difference a Day Makes

2011-08-14T07:33:00.001-07:00

With just adjectives here is a description for 2 of my days last week. Don’t miss the end.

Day A
Exercise – 1 hr kettlebell boot camp - energized, mentally focused with a bit of fatigue, zippy, controlled, slightly hungry, could use a nap, tasks accomplished, motivated, deprived, mood under control, patient, satisfied, veggie crunchy, wanting to do more, nervous energy, fighting urges.

Day B
Exercise – none - Full, uncontrolled sneezing, snotty, sluggish, satisfied, slow, tummy grumbles and issues, stuffed, sweet, doughy, binge, out of control, mini naps, snippy, no motivation, mood swings, tired, bloated, cranky, frustrated, sunk in couch.

Other than exercise, what is the difference between Day A and Day B?

FOOD

That’s it.

Day A is a example of how I felt most of the slow carb days I had this week. It was a protein and veggie only day or a protein / veggie / slow carb day. The slow carbs were beans or quiona. Day B was yesterday, my cheat day. I did a fantastic job of cheating – French toast combo, large sub sammie with chips, more chips at party, burger, fires and a shake, Oreos, popsicles, buttered toast

So far today I am still feeling the effects of my cheat in my nose and tummy.

Rough Week

2011-08-12T07:58:00.001-07:00

No Five Questions today.

This week has been rough. I mentioned here that I cried at the end of kickboxing class. I also cried at the end of speeding some “time” with hubby (first since my surgery) and during boot camp yesterday. What is up. I am a crying but not like this. Not so spontaneously and without control.

In Thursday Boot Camp I had a Biggest Looser moment. We were doing circuits of swings, clean and presses, run 1/2 lap, push up, step up jumps and then another 1 1/2 lap run. I swear we were doing the jumps for 2 min. They were HARD for me and then a run immediately after, kill me now. The second circuit i wanted to walk and did. Then my trainer started running with me and trying to encourage me. Tears started at the end of that circuit and the next one. I wanted to die.

I am beat – Mon, Wed, Thur and today Boot camp with Tue kickboxing. Saturday and Sunday are rest days with Saturday being my cheat day. Tonight we have a bonfire and there will be smores. It will be hard to resist, but I will. I have been on plan most of the week.

I might be having my monthly cycle. The 10th was 28 days. With the procedure, I have no idea what to expect. Maybe the crying is a new symptom.

Has it Really Changed?

2011-08-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

Has life really changed since high school?

This past weekend was my 20 year reunion. That baffles me. How in the world did 20 years pass by. I didn’t go for many reasons. High school wasn’t horrendous but on the same token it wasn’t the time of my life either. I didn’t really know myself, who does? I didn’t keep in touch with anyone. My first year out of school I basically didn’t associate with anyone from HS. That was mainly due to the boyfriend I had my senior year (not from my school). Facebook was the only reason I knew about the reunion. They created a group and out of curiosity I joined.

It was interesting seeing the pictures. Some people looked almost the same. Others wildly changed. The men mostly.

Is my late 30’s any different than HS?

The pretty girls are mostly still pretty and get all the attention
We want to be kissed and loved
The fun popular kids are the ones who get invited places
You have to watch what you say all the time
We lust after the cute boys – hello Twilight anyone
What you do, wear, live matter to some people
It’s hard to know who your true friends are
You are still “trying to figure it out”
The ones with the best “toys” have the most “friends”
Sports and celebrity are far more important that being real
There is very few people you can be real with
Your loved ones (husband) matter most to you
What kind of car your drive is a status to some
People disappoint you
Brands are important
People still talk behind your back
Rumors are still abound
Gossip rules and people love to gossip
No matter how much you try to deny it, family matters and your parents matter

I was in a bit of a mood when I wrote this. The only thing that has changed since high school is me. All the outside crap is the same just a different setting. What do you think?

Weekly Weigh In 8/9/11

2011-08-09T14:47:00.001-07:00

Weight = 193.0
Loss = +1.0
Emotion = disbelief

Why disbelief? I've been making improvement with my food choices. I guess not enough but next week will be great. I am sure. I want to out of the 190’s. I should have never have gotten back into the 190’s in the first place.

I’m a but whiney here. Why is weight so dam easy to put on but so hard to take off?

I had a very weird morning. Let me recap. Woke at 5am, dress, tea w/ slight sugar and cream (no carbs), 1 hard boiled egg. Head out to cardio kickboxing class. Nothing unusual with class other than its been awhile since I did this particular class. At the end of class we stretched and had a bit of a yoga like close to class at which I began crying. I composed myself quickly and went home. Felt like crap, nauseous hubby noticed it too. I laid down for a few mins, improved, showered, prepared for rest of day, made breakfast. While eating my scrambled eggs and cucumbers (not together) I immediately had to throw up. I did make it to the bathroom. Since then I have felt fine. WTF!

Was this a biggest Looser physical exertion moment? Not enough water? Bad cream in tea (smells fine)? Low carb reaction*? What?

* on Monday I started my trainers plan. I mention it here. Monday was a protein – Veggie – limited carb day. For carbs I had oatmeal and quinioa.

Even throw up an hour or so after a workout? Why?

40 by 40

2011-08-08T11:37:00.001-07:00

A fellow blogger, BabyRN, made a list of 30 things she wanted to accomplish by 30. Love the idea so I decided I would make my own.

In less than 2 years I will hit that wonderful milestone of 40 young years old.

Reach my goal weight of 140 (minus 92 pounds)
Travel to NYC again and really explore the city
Go camping with my family
Run a full 5K
Purge my garage completely
Compete in the Camp Pendleton Mud Run
Finish both boys baby scrapbooks
Restyle my blog – header design
Get skin removal surgery on my tummy – 99% sure it will be needed
Get nice bed linens for my master bedroom – we have nothing
See Jimmy Buffett again
See Jimmy Buffett is some tropical location
Visit some tropical location
Grow my hair long – Bra length
Paint my master bedroom
Fix up back yard
Permanently weigh less than my hubby – bounce back a forth on this one
Stay at the Crystal Cove Cottages
Learn how to properly use a drill
Brew my own beer – probably cider
Wine tasting in wine county – so many choices in CA
Redo my master bath
Paint my bedroom
Create an outdoor eating area
Do 5 full push ups
Run / walk the Tinkerbelle half marathon
Stop taking Metaformin
Go on a girls weekend somewhere
Have houseplants again
Put pictures in my hallway
Finish all my unfinished scrapbooks
Have a more organized house
Have a veggie garden year round
At least 2 cooking classes
Do something with my mom that she has never done
Improve my kids food choices
Get a Brazilian wax job - scared
New dishes for kitchen
Discover a different career path
Complete all painting of downstairs

Do you see a theme here? Most are related to the state of my household.

Out of the Mouth of Babes - repost

2011-08-06T07:35:00.000-07:00

Originally posted on 5/7/10 just before the end of a weight competition I lost. The other day he asked (in the car) is a dollar is expensive. I said it’s all relative. I went on to say if I handed you 1 million and asked you to spend $1 it would have relatively no effect. If I handed you $5 and said this is all you have for food, etc then the dollar would be very expensive. I continued my “teaching moment” to say that a person with little money would consider the $6 bag of kettle corn we just bought (and he was stuffing in said mouth) would be wasteful and the $5 could be used to buy better food.

I was having a car conversation with my old man in a little body (my 6yo). He was talking about how cool it would be to have 99 million dollars. He then went on to say I could save the money and give it to him. I explained that I wouldn’t be able to save up that much money because things cost money, like the house, electricity, gas, food, cable, etc. Next he said the it would be nice if I win the $400 from the weigh competition on 5/22 because I will be more fun. I asked him why and he said I won’t be so lazy and I will be more active. This coming from the kid I played soccer with the day before. I will take this to heart and work on being more active with him. I did mention that sometime I am tired because his brother was tough the night before.

Now mind you when I asked him again later he said it would be cool if I win so I could share the money with him.

Lately my prouder mommy moments have been during boot camp. When we run around, the boys follow and run with me. When we do sit ups and cool down stretches, the boys join me. Sometimes the toddler lays on my chest while I still do sit-ups (try it, fun). I am proud of myself for being a good example and proud of them for trying something. My 7yo asked if I could put a yoga mat in his room so he can do the moves. Come on is that not awesome or what!!!!

5? Friday 8/5

2011-08-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

1. Do you have siblings and are you close with them?Only child here please hold all comments. Kidding. It was me and my parents for years and years. We lived 3000 miles away from family. I recognize traits in myself that I lack by being and only child. I lack the ability to forgive and forget, to fight and love at the same time. It’s fine with hubby, but I have and have had are hard time with these concepts in my friendships.

2. Would you rather be slightly UNDER weight or slightly OVER weight?Meat on my bones please. Not sure if this will ever be an issue for me. Although I have seen people drop too much then stabilize their weight back.

3. What's your favorite State Fair food to splurge on?We don’t have state fairs, just county. CA is too big. i might be wrong. Just last week I splurged on food at the county fair. I have to say the Australian Batter Fries were fantastic covered in cheddar and ranch.

4. What are your thoughts on your kid(s) going to school in a few weeks?One will still be at home :-) or is it :-(
I look forward to the return of routine. I had plans to school my 7yo all summer. Hasn’t been going as intended. School doesn't start until after Labor Day so we still have time.

5. Pool or Ocean?All of the above. I have the luxury of choice. Pool is 2 blocks away, free. Beaches are about 30-50 min away depending on which location I choose. Love the pool for a cool off on a hot afternoon but the beach is my choice for a longer day. Love the smell, the waves, the water, the everything.

Back Again and a Plan

2011-08-04T18:46:00.001-07:00

Back from another trip. The kids and I had a good time. It was HOT, about 110 so we were either in the pool or inside. First 2 nights were hard with the toddler’s sleep.

Hubby is out of town so I am alone until Sunday. It’s gonna be a long week. My hubby is a Big factor with the child rearing around here. We share a lot.

My trainer gave a me a simplified plan of attack to try to shed 10 pounds by our FL trip on the 24th. Exercise 5 days a week. He would like 6 but is asking for 5. Cycle days of protein and veggies with days of protein, veggie and carbs. Carbs coming from beans, quinoa, oatmeal. At end of the cycle have a cheat day.

I am beat and have a ton of unpacking and kid related things to do, more later. Somehow I will try to get in a 20min kettlebell session tonight.

No Weight Day

2011-08-02T08:01:00.000-07:00

I am out of town, again. This time I am headed to Palm Springs area to stay at a friends time share with the kids. We have 4 moms and 9 kids coming. Since we have full kitchens I sill have full control over my food. After this we have only 1 trip left for the summer. Our big trip to visit family in FL on Aug 24th. More later.

Garden Bounty and a New Gadget

2011-07-31T08:14:00.000-07:00

Our garden is taking off. The other night we made dinner.

Sausage sammies with veggies. Not from garden is the Chicken, Spinach and Fontina sausage (obviously) and the onions. From the garden – yellow peppers, tomatoes, Anaheim chilies. I love the taste of the grilled veggies. I cut up the tomatoes, topped with balsamic vinegar, basil (garden) and mozzarella. The rest of the veggies were chopped and added to the sammie.

Hubby sautéed eggplant and squash for his packed lunches. Eggplant in the bowl in back already cooked.

I used my new kitchen gadget, a Frisper Freshkeeper, to vacuume pack and freeze some pre sliced eggplant. We will see if this works.

More Frisper bags – not garden related. I had some fun playing with it. White is mozzarella cheese.

Channeling George - Repost

2011-07-30T09:00:00.001-07:00

This was originally posted on March 5th, 2010. It not a super interesting post but it has major significance with my relationship with my husband. I made a decision to no longer lie. I decided even the small white lies are equally wrong. Its the small things like if he asks what did we have for lunch. I will tell the full truth no matter how guilty or crappy I feel about the food choices I made. It is easy to slip back into the old habit. The other night my son wanted a happy meal. Hubby didn’t want him to get a happy meal but was ok with buying the McDees. I took the kid to McDees. I bought the happy meal. So much easier and it had a Star Wars toy in it. Later on, hubby asked if it was a happy meal I lied and said no. I even tried to hide the evidence. I felt so wrong about it. I knew I made a mistake. I should have told the truth and the why’s.

Recently I had to face the reality fo the lie of the past few months. My food choiuces were not weight loss worthy. I could see the gain on my shape. I could feel it everywhere. Still it took time to face it.

Original Post
I can not tell a lie, at least not anymore. I have lied to myself about my health status. I have fibbed in the past when asked if I worked out. I have sneaked food so my loved ones won’t see me eating it. I lied about what I really ate. I lied to myself when I say it’s ok to eat a whole loaf of French bread (it has happened). That cheeseburger meal won’t hurt your weight loss efforts. It stops now, no more lying to myself, my family or friends. Even small fibs or stretches of the truth are lies, done!!!! I will own this life, this journey and even my mistakes.

5? Fri 7/29/11

2011-07-29T10:36:00.001-07:00

1. Vow renewal ceremonies-yay or nay?
Easy to answer since I just have my 10th anniversary and we had a party. My thoughts are why change vows that are already perfect. Maybe if we had some major rough spots it would be a good thing.

2. What sound/s annoy you the most?
Ever watched the kid show Cailou. Any kid that talks like that. Or adults who talk baby talk all the time. Like Khloe Kardashian to her hubby. Knock it off.

3. If you had to pick, would you have only all boys, or only all girls for kids?
I picked what I got. All boys. Not a big fan of little girls. Too mean and too much drama. I love having boys. Not everything is roses but I enjoy it.

4. Do you believe in alternative medicine?
Partially. I believe in massage for sure and a few other things. I think a combination is fine. Not a big fan of only choosing one method. Especially cancer patients. Alternative medicine doesn’t do it all.

5. Would you take a family member's children and raise them if they needed it?
Yes and No. We really don't have the space but I could find some way to make it work. I have no brothers or sisters. Hubby’s nieces and nephews are almost all over 18. There is some great nephews now but I am sure there is a big line of people who would take care of them. Plus everyone lives 3000 miles away. I don’t think the situation is ever a possibly for us.

Book Review – 4 Hour Body

2011-07-28T10:00:00.001-07:00

I want to share my thoughts of this book so far. I am barely getting started and so far LOVE it. I love the way he writes and have found some awesome quotes. Here is a few I want to highlight. Quotes are in purple with my comments right after.

Don’t use skepticism as a thinly veiled excuse for inaction or remaining in your comfort zone. Be skeptical, but for the right reason. Be proactively skeptical, not defensively skeptical. This is one of his rules for reading his book. Could apply to anything. Especially anything related to weight loss. Fall along the lines of do something.

Take adherence seriously: will you stick with this change until you hit your goal. If not, find another method, even if it’s less effective and efficient. The decent method you follow is better than the perfect method you quit. - well said

People will think that because genes play a role in something, they determine everything. We see, again and again, people saying, “It’s all genetic. I can’t do anything about it.” That’s nonsense. To say that something has a genetic component does not make it unchangeable, Eric Lander – Leader or the Human Genome Project. I take issue with people say it’s genetic. I was dealt a crappy hand when it comes to the gene pool and weight – PCOS and apple shape. Does that mean I should throw in the towel and let myself go – hell to the no.

The creator of the “calorie” as we know it, 19th-century chemist Wilbur Olin Atwater, did not have the technology that we have today. He incinerated foods. Incineration does not equal human digestion; eating a fireplace log will not store the same number of calories as burning one will produce. Tummies have trouble with bark, as they do with many things. - The chemist in me is dancing a jig. Its not just about calories in – calories out. What you eat plays a vital role. As you can see the author has a bit of a sarcastic tone – love me some sarcasm.

Good quotes? What do you think?

Weekly Weigh In 7/26/11

2011-07-26T12:08:00.001-07:00

Weight = 192.0
Loss = –0.6

Even thought the loss is tiny, this is an excellent week all things considered. On Thursday, the day after my surgery, there was a 199 / 200 on the scale. I am good with 192. Happy. Next week will be even better.

Monday was day one of a low carb start for me. No bread, no rice, beans, apple only for fruit, limited cheese and protein. It was also my first day back to exercise. I took more days off then I intended. Everything seems fine. I am beat today. Between the kettlebell class last night and the 4am toddler wake up, I am tired.

Plan for the rest of the week:
Tue – fitness class & low carb
Wed – Bootcamp & low carb
Thur – Yoga & cheat day *
Fri – Bootcamp & low carb
Sat – rest & low carb
Sun – treadmill 30 min & low carb

* the program I am following includes a cheat day. On Thursday we are going to the county fair so it would be a great day to cheat.

A Question You Never Want Asked

2011-07-25T11:48:00.001-07:00

It happened to me the other day. The question no fat women wants to be asked.

WHEN ARE YOU DUE?

Due for what an oil change? A Friend’s cousin asked me the other day at the beach. I just responded with, no, I just carry all my weight in my stomach.

I guess later the person told my friend she felt bad but that I was so skinny everywhere else that she just figured I was expected. So much fun being an apple shape with a big belly. HATE!!!!!!!!!!

Doesn’t everybody know the rule – you never ever ask a women if she is pregnant.

5? Fri 7/22/11

2011-07-22T09:20:00.001-07:00

1. If your husband had the BIG V and you got pregnant what would your first reaction be? For the dudes, what would your first reaction be if your wife told you she was pregnant after the Big V?
It would be 100% our fault. We are supposed to do post “tests” and we never did. We never confirmed the big V worked. Now if we did do the tests I not sure how I would think. Nothing is ever a 100%.

2. Best memory about this summer so far.
Riding see-doos on the Colorado river. Hubby and 7 year old on one and mean on the other. Hubby and I were trying to splash each other. We had fun. We like to play.

3. How often do you change your sheets? Your kids sheets?
Ideally about once a week, realistically ever other week. Crib sheets more often then once a week.

4. Having just gone through TSA, would you rather have a full-body scan or a pat-down?
I really don’t care. Probably the scan, no touching.

5. Since it is fair time...what's your favorite fair (county or state) memory?
I love checking out the product section and the produce growing.

Post Op

2011-07-21T12:25:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was my surgery. I am doing great today. No pain, very slight discomfort, a bit tired, no pain meds. My weight is astronomically high. I am thinking its just a post surgery thing (I hope). My major dislike of having an surgery is the total lack of control, one min your are being wheeled into the sx room with the anesthesiologist putting something in your IV and the next min you're in the recovery room. As an admitted control freak I can’t stand the feeling. I woke up and cried a bit.

Hubby took care of almost my every wish and the kids. I admittedly milked it a bit but come on it was only one day where I did almost NOTHING. I am entitled. Right?

We will see next TOM what my results are, fingers crossed.

I plan to head back to kettlebells tomorrow and Saturday. Shouldn’t be an issue but I will listen to my body.