Thursday, January 31, 2013

Suck ass Thursday

Sorry if this is a bit of a downer or at least my last few posts, etc. But hey this blog is for me and this is my space to purge my mind. In order to be fit I need to be fit in my head.

Yesterday was my parents 42nd anniversary. 42 plus years of being together. Amazing. I come from good bones. Well today January 31 mom was told she is entering hospice. No more cancer fighting. The fight is over. The last stage has begun. My husband asked me if I'm ok with the news, honestly I am. I think I knew this was a possibility more than my parents. When we got home I was again full of nervous energy. Since the hospice nurses will be coming to the house soon I decided to clean my parents rooms. I washed all the blankets, dusted, vacuumed, and mopped. I know how much better I feel with fresh clean sheets and blankets.

An aside - I've heard I said that all your evolution goes out the window when your are around your parents. So true. My dad noticed I was heating something for a late lunch and he felt the need to tell me that I eat too much. Grr grr grr. Mom commented earlier and dad made 2 more comments. They don't subscribe to the eat often idea. they are old school big meals type.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

What did you do on a Tuesday night at 730

After tucking in my mom at 730pm i had a ton of nervous energy. Yes I said that correctly I had to tuck in my 65 year old mom in bed. So what did I do with the energy. Did I stuff my gullet with treats to calm myself down. NO

I chose to scrub the fifthly stovetop and clean out the fridge. Yes, at 8pm I was scrubbing a stove and cleaning out a fridge. That's why I am here without my kids. I am here to help my very stressed out dad. Seems like every time I come here I am cleaning bad food out of the fridge. I think its one of the many things Dad just doesn't get to or do. It was my moms thing. Dad has been subsisting on quick cook meals, think frozen. Mom hasn't been eating. I want to prep so some food for him but cooking smells make mom nauseous. I will figure something out.

I ask myself if this is really the time for me to be trying to focus on losing weight and getting fit?

Update - above written last night. I am grateful that I am able to be at my parents house for 4 days while my wonderful husband takes care of the kids, including a dr appointment. I am thankful we have at least 1 car that can make the 330 mile 2 mountain range drive. Our other car is nicknamed the blue bomber. We need a new car but don't want a payment. I am grateful I don't have to work full time and would be unavailable to take time off. Yes this week is hard but I need to be here and am thankful I can be.

Taking lessons from others

The other day there was a fairly pregnant (volleyball size belly) but very thin women in line in front of me at Wahoos. She was ordering a fish salad. She wanted to make sure it was grilled, no butter and with the no fat green sauce.

At first I'm screaming in my head - geeez you are pregnant, enjoy for shits sake. But then I though again. Maybe girlfriend has major body issues and the swollen belly is putting her over the edge. The more rational thought was that she isn't fat because she makes a conscious effort To be that way.

Pregnancy is not excuse to let go but on the other hand your baby needs some good fat to help it grow. There is macro nutrients your body needs. That one of the big reasons why I love Jillian Michals. She is realistic about diets. Cringes when people go on low carb diets. On her recent podcast she was talking to a women who lost 140 pounds and was having a problems with maintaince. The caller said she would go back to eating like a normal person and the weigh would pile back on. The caller said she lost the weight doing low carb. After some back and forth the caller described her latest normal person lunch was a bacon cheeseburger with fries. This killed JM for a few reasons. JM said weight loss is all about the math but if you don't teach your body to eat you will have problems adjusting. That is not a normal person's lunch. In her example she told the caller you can have a cheeseburger, no bacon one, no fries. If you want the bacon then go with a lettuce wrap. The rest of the day you eat light and exercise. Summary is you calorie balance. The caller said she never counted calories the whole time she lost the weight. What I like about JM is she talks about the balance of it all.

I am not a huge fan of calorie counting but I get the mechanics of it. It is a necessary evil if you are eating more than chicken and veggies all day.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Holding steady

My weight is staying at the low of 211. I will make my goal of 210 for the end of the month.

I am heading out of town on Tuesday to my parents to help out my dad. He is overwhelmed with the care of my mom. She has been very very sick for a long time. The cancer dr said she doesn't have enough cancer in her body to be this sick. She will eventually. She is getting another scan this week. It might be a very bad reaction to the chemo.

I won't be able to weight in on the 31st. I will on on Saturday the 2nd. Since I am traveling with no kids, yeah, I will prep some car foods and try not to stop.

The household is improving. The flu hit my 3 year really hard. I got a touch of it. Hubby and big boy have stayed healthy, thank goodness. The house impoloded the last few weeks. Yesterday and today I have been doing major cleaning, dusting, organizing. I am beat but I am trying to remain focused and on task. Finish and move on. Leaving incomplete jobs is frustrating. Unfortunately it means my kids are on their own my of the day. I am working on some life skill with the 9 year old. Folding and hanging clothes. He complains why his brother doesn't need to do this. Um, he is 3.

Below is one of my favorite go to lunches. 2 slices whole wheat, 4 slices turkey, tomatoes, avocado, arugula, super light real mayo, aoil mustard. Yummy comes in about 396 calories.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Sickness makes weakness

Crap it's been 7 days since I posted. Not intentional. Last week I lost another pound and was down to 211.8. I don't think the scale will be pretty tomorrow. It's been a very very long week. Wednesday my almost 4 year old came down with something. Cold or flu, who knows, what is the difference. He had fevers wed thru Sunday. He has some congestion and a cough. He is finally on the mend. I've been feeling very low and exhausted. Sunday, I started feeling much worse. Today about the same. Besides all the other regular stressors and a very sick clingy kid my moms health is taking a big down turn. It's a heavy heavy weight on me. I was planning on traveling up there but with this cold, I can go newar my mom right now.

The point to all this is that our/my food choices haven't been fantastic. I am weak when I am stressed and under the weather. I don't make good choices. I feed my emotions. Big area that I need to focus on. It will take time.

I tracked my food today and stayed under my calories. I second guessed myself and had to a mental check that I tracked everything.

I am hoping that the rest of the family stays healthy. 2 of 4 down


Monday, January 14, 2013

Mid month update

Remember my goals for jan
1. Weight 210
2. Have my downstairs bathroom remodel done
3. Exercise 30 min at least 15 days
4. Track my food with either my diary or my fitness pal app 70% of the month. 31 days in jan minus 2 days for 1st and 2nd = 20 days.
5. Project plan master bathroom and little one bedroom remodel
6. Prep for scrap booking weekend in feb
7. Plan son's 9th birthday

I have less than 1 pound to 210.

Downstairs bathroom - um well see the picture below. This is actually hubbies project. My job is to make sure he has time to do it and keep him motivated. It's a fine line between keeping him motivated and nagging him. Honestly I think it will be a fat chance in hell it will get done.

So I'm having a hard time with this one. Mental roadblock. Only 1 day down. Lots of catching up.

9 days down of food tracking.

I know what I want to do with my bathroom and little one's bedroom. I have the ideas in my head, just got to get them down.

Scrapbook weekend is coming up quick. No progress here.

Son's 9th birthday is 90% planned. Just have to order the food. It was by the grace of a good friend I was able to get this done. It was also due to my courage to ask for help because I need it with all the crap going on, see yesterday's post.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

I'm dealing the best I can

I had a whole post written and I lost it completely.

My stress level has increased 10 fold. My mom has to make a big life changing decision. Mom has been fighting kidney cancer for 4 years. The chemotherapy was a tool to continue her life and stop the growth of the tumors. It was never going to cure the cancer. She needs to decide if she wants to continue chemotherapy. Her body has been destroyed. She really hasn't been living. She has been existing between the couch and bed for months. Unfortunately my parents live 330 miles away. It takes me a full day to travel there. I have to put aside some of my own "things" to visit them. That make my issues with balance even harder. Last night I had a tough talk with my mom. I told her I don't think she should continue. It's a big decision because there will be no turning back. I just hope she will have a twilight period of feeling better and able to do things before she enters hospice care.

I managed to get in a small hike yesterday. I want to get in the treadmill today but I hurt. I have a headache, I'm cold, achy, tired and feel like crap all over. Hubby asked if it was my mom or potential flu. How would I know. I am tracking my food today and not going off the rails no matter how tempting.

If you use my fitness pal my ID is mommaceo. Friend me.

It's 3 pm. I'm trying to motivate. Or maybe throw the towel in on today.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

BL from a different perspective and exercise

So Biggest Looser is back. For some reason I have watched this show year after year. There is parts of it I love and other parts that are downright silly.

Last night hubby and I were watching it. Hubby has never been obese. He is thick at times but no more that plus 20 from his ideal. As we were watching they were showing some of the back stories and many of the contestants mentioned in some form or other I have my (kid, etc) I want to be healthy for Etc etc. Well hubby got frustrated at the people and says why don't they just do it. Classic example was TC. They guy gets in a car accident and his seat crushed his kid. The seat probably wouldn't have broken if he wasn't so fat. Did he make any changes since the accident, NO. Hubby is like why not. It's not that simple, not so back and white. Hubby is a black and white thinker.

If just do it where that easy then we wouldn't have an obesity epidemic.

I love the red line. No BS. I hope they keep it.

I am having a difficult time getting to the exercise. Over thinking it, too much on my plate, don't know. Once I get started I will go gangbusters. But it's the getting started. I don't know why such a huge roadblock.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Weigh in 1/8/13, my day, my snacks, challenges

Weight = 212.8
Loss = -2.6

My go to snack / meal of choice is Fage fruit yogurt with ground flax meal. I love that the fruit is separate. Sometime other yogurt are too sweet. Most of the time I only use half of the fruit - less sugar. I add the flax for a fiber enhancement. I get it at my local sprouts in the bulk bin.

Today is one of this days where I am hungry but don't have a ton of calories left. I know it is because I am adjusting to the flub from yesterday.

Tonight will be a challenge. It's book club night. My girls love to bring the snackies and wine. I have major issue with social eating. I love the variety but I also use the food as a crutch. I am shy and teeter on socially awkward, so I use food to avoid conversation. Tips from a friend - bring hot lemon water, eat before, focus on conversation not the food. All Todd but I feel weak right now.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Calorie counting woes

I understand why I need to calorie count right now. I am retraining my body to understand how to eat to lose weight and be clean. I know at some point it will become more instinctive. I understand the concept of calorie deflect. Side note - I listen to Jillian Michael's podcast and she whammies that point in. Love her podcasts, especially now she is a momma.

The quality of what you eat is important. I am a firm believer in whole food eating. I am not eating all organic mostly due to the cost. I can't convince hubby of the benefits of eating organic meats etc. Although I believe in this it doesn't mean I do it all the time. If I did I wouldn't be in the fat situation I am in now.

My frustration with calorie counting is when like me you don't eat packaged food and you cook meals all the time. It make the process tedious trying to figure out what is in your meal. Some shortcuts I use are to not count the veggies like onions etc. They hardly have any calories to worry about. Or I approximate using a known restaurant meal equivalent. Yes that can be tricky. I could be serious under or over estimating the amount of calories. Lets hope it's more on the over.

Today I flubbed in the morning.  School is back in and I was running late.  I left the house without eating, returned to school with son's medicine that we forgot and then my Tornado (3) wanted a donut.  I needed to run an errand in the same center.  I went in the store saying I won't but I left the store in a completely different state.  I know it wouldn't have happened if I had been not running around like a crazy chicken, I had prepared in advance and I had eaten.  I used the res of the day to move on. Did a ton of housework and kept the food under control.

Friday, January 4, 2013

A whole in my stomach dear Liza

Hungry. !!!!!!!

I am so hungry right now. Now matter what most of the day I have been hungry yet I feel like I have been eating all day long. Crazy. It's 7 pm and we will be eating dinner soon. I have set my fitness pal to 1800 calories per day. Reasonable. Since Wednesday I have been adjusting to calories reduction. First day my extremities were cold. Yesterday no issues. Today hungry all fricking day long. Below is what I have eating up until today. The egg and ham snack was a 2 in piece square of an egg casserole hubby made with fake eggs.

I have about 600 calories left. Dinner will be ready in a min.

I didn't eat all my meals at one serving. For example early I'm the am I had the toast, then much later I had the fage.

I am using blogger on my iPad. I don't like not being able to put the pics where I want them.



Wednesday, January 2, 2013

New Years Resolutions.... Sort of

My official New Years weigh in......
215.4

I was at my parents on the first and driving all day. Start is today.

So that is a gain of 10.8 for 2012. Not an insane number.

Unfortunate that also means a gain of 30.4 from my low of 185 from March 2011. That sucks ass.

Moving onward. That's all I can do right!

I could write about my new year resolutions but are they any different than every year? not really. Same as most.... Blah blah lose weight, blah blah get organized. Etc etc. so I figured I would try something different. I will set monthly objectives and a few larger goals. I will also include some rewards.

By Jan 31 I will:
1. Weigh 210 pounds
2. Have my downstairs bathroom remodel done *
3. Exercise 30 min at least 15 days
4. Track my food with either my diary or my fitness pal app 70% of the month. 31 days in jan minus 2 days for 1st and 2nd = 20 days.
5. Project plan master bathroom and little one bedroom remodel
6. Prep for scrap booking weekend in feb
7. Plan son's 9th birthday

Bigger goal will be 200 pounds. I am thinking by March. When I hit it I want to redo all my makeup. I really have crap for makeup. My tornado (3 year old boy) destroyed most of it and I am making due with a few piecemeal items. I have no lipstick. I rarely wear makeup but maybe I will start more often. My blonde lashes need emphasis.

My chicken scratch food journal