Thursday, January 26, 2012

That Dark Place

I feel like I can't celebrate my weight loss until I get below my low of 185.

I feel like a fraud celebrating finishing a half marathon this Sunday because I'm not running the whole race.

Logically I know this is ridiculous but deep down inside there is something that refuses to allow the celebration. Why do I persistently discount my accomplishments? Why does that deep down black part of me constantly scream "not enough"?

That same black place leads me to question the genuine feelings or compliments from others. I question their intents. The other night big boy wrote a note to daddy. It was a sweet note. Hubby read it and thought it was cool. In my head I'm thinking "no your just saying that, your not happy with the kids". Talk about being in a dark place and this all in my head. Hubby had no indication I was thinking this nor did he show any signs of not be genuinely happy about the latter.  My dark place also makes me believe that I am being judged by others all the time.  I also go so far as to put a voice to what I think they are saying about me.  I read between the lines when there is actually no lines to read between.  I don't believe a person when they truly say something positive about me.

I recognise this dark place.  I desire some light to be shed into the depths.  I want to come out of the dark.

3 comments:

  1. Wow, I definitely have this dark place too. Where I go so far as to not do things for fear of what I will think they think.

    My biggest hurdle has been to just saw screw it, and do those things any ways!

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  2. I think we all have this dark place once in a while. The trick is to not let it rule us.

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  3. So sorry your struggling, put that head up and know your worth it. We all have those moments I just got out of one myself!

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