Saturday, December 29, 2012

Stressors suck especially right when you are ready to leap

I'm not old. At least I dont feel like I am.
Iam 39 quickly approaching 40.
I am also an only child.
My parents live 350 miles away from me and I have no one else around.

Right now I am visiting. My moms health is declining quickly. She has been fighting cancer for almost 4 years. The cancer will never go away the chemo just keeps it at bay. Parents live in the mountains so their drs and chemo is about an hour drive away. My parents are young at 65. My dad is moms full time caretaker. Come to find out this week that my dad needs a full shoulder replacement. 6 weeks of no driving. How in the world are WE going to manage that.

Im at a loss as to how I could help my parents and still maintain my household.

I thought about having them come down to my area and we rent a place for them to stay, my place is way too small. Maybe dad could rehab near me and I can help with mom. But ... She has her Chemo every other week, and sees the dr every week and my parents had 2 lab sized dogs and a cat. I could try the other way but what about the kids, schools, etc.

Unfortunately the picture is pretty clear that 2013 will be a time of loss for me.

I do have an awesome friend who has already offered to do some option research for me.

Friday, December 28, 2012

New day - new all around

I'm back
2012 has been a strange rough year for me. I am heavy. All progress I made over the last few years has gone to shit. I am totally back to square one.

I believe one reason for the absolute decline, hell incline in weight for that matter, decline In health is due to this blog. There is a reason why weight watchers works - accountability. My blog was my accountability. Stop blogging, lose accountability, gain weight. Sure it was not that basic but accountability holds a lot of weight. I'm sure my husband work love me to be weight and health accountable to him but that would kill my marriage. We have a very open and communicative marriage but my weight, food choices, Etc is a no go subject for me.

Admittedly I love knowing some one out there in the electronic blue yonder is reading my blog but honestly this is for ME only. I think that is where I faltered. I will treat this blog as my journal.

I am not sure if its worthwhile or useful to reHash the past year and why I am back to square one. The bullet points would be depression, stress, portion control and lack of consistency everywhere in my life. Don't get me wrong it hasn't all been a landslide. There is some much improved facets of my life just not the weight and Health.

I am in prep mode. I am preparing for the proverbial new year. beginnings. Yes you can view it as a crock of shit or a great plan. Coinciding with the new year is a weight loss competition at hubby's work. It is a $ prize. We won 2nd last year and I Think we got $300

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Where have I been

OMG it's been a month since I posted anything on my blog.

Why? I guess I could say busy.

We traveled again. We did 1300 miles in 6 days. Lots of driving. Hubby had so work issues that made things crazy around here. Lots of beach days. All day beach days. Oh and I GOT A Job. I've done very small odds and ends jobs but it's been 5 years since I had a real job. It's weird being in an office environment, so quiet. We are all adjusting to the change.

I will not discuss my weight or exercise. Not right now.

School is 2 weeks away. Whoo hoo and boo. I look forward to the structure and the Tornado (3) going to preschool but I also love the freedom of summer. I am crossing my fingers that homework won't be too painful.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Gut Check

My visit with my parents was a series of gut checks (GC).

GC #1 - Moms condition is deteriorating and she is no longer the same person.

GC #2 - Because of #1 I have to make choices that may not always be in my best interest. Like skipping out on my planned hike to visit with my bed bound mom an extra day or to help my dad out.

GC#3 - Dad discussing money plans post moms passing.

GC#4 - Dad commenting he doesn't understand my food choices while we were out to lunch at Mimi's Cafe. Also commenting a few other times during the week. Had to admit that I haven't been eating on plan for awhile.

GC#5 - it frustrates me that because of my moms condition, my parents can't do much. It made me sad to hear them talking about canceling a small trip because of health issues and so many unknown factors - no control. They also haven't been able to visit. I want nothing more than to see my parents do the things they want to.

GC#6 - Mom saying I am a binge eater and she wants to see me healthy before she passes.

GC#7 - at breakfast at home dad asked mom if she wanted his last turkey sausage link, she said no. I said I would take it. His response "do you really need it"

This is only a fraction of what I dealt with this week. I am emotionally exhausted.

Monday, July 16, 2012

9 Months

I've been pregnant 4 times in my life. I have 2 beautiful boys. I know I can commit to 9 months.

Another kid - hell to the no!!

Here's the story. I had a wonderful free day with an awesome friend. We walked, shopped, talked, and noshed for almost 10 hours. We talk about everything. No holds barred. She asked if I could commit to 7 days a week clean eating, 5 workout days, how long would it take for me to reach my ultimate goal.

210 current - 140 ultimate = 70 pounds / 2 reasonable per week pound lost = 35 weeks. Roughly 9 months.

I get caught up in the details often. I was thinking. How would I eat. What is the right way. We talked about no dairy and no bread. Ezekiel bread and rice cakes ok. Free fruits and veggies.

What's 9 months worth. I can still be social, just not social eating.

I've done 9 months before.  Why not again?

Is being able to eat the yummys at Bunco really that important?

Can I survive book club without eating?

When it's so simply put it front of you, it looks easy.

Friday, July 13, 2012

It happened today - grrr

What's the one thing no fat women wants to hear???

You know what it is. Especially if you look like me, apple shaped big belly.

Who else has big bellies?

Figured it out yet...
Oh yeah someone said I was expecting, pregnant.

It was my car mechanic so I didn't correct him

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Weekly Weigh In 7/10/12

I missed last week.
I really don't want to write this down.
I haven't been perfect but I also don't understand what is happening.
Here it goes.

Weight = 210.2
Loss = +2.2


I'm not even sure what to say.  I hit a block or maybe my brain stop working from hitting my head on a wall.

On a PCOS note - I have been taking Metformin for a long period of time. I am not diabetic, my endo uses it to control my PCOS. I suspected for awhile that it hasn't been working. I ran a small expirement last week. I measured my blood sugar throughout the day. I ranged between 86 and 138 but averaged between 98 and 110. My understanding is that over 100 is diabetic range. I have deep respect for type 1 diabetics like my friend's 10 year old. Testing your sugars is a pain. I plan on taking the results to my Dr. Is the reason for my persistent gain? Maybe?

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Summer Harvest

Our garden is slowly producing a garden bounty. The zucchini is producing like crazy. I need recipes big time. Hubby dislikes zucchini boats.

I've had a ton of green onions, Anaheim peppers, a few Roma tomatoes and the Cherry tomatoes (in pic) are just turning red.

Keeping the pumpkin plants at bay is proving difficult. The weeds are hard to get to. Time to do some garden work before our trip.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Sleeping in

No weigh in today. I was able to sleep in and then I had an appointment. By the time I got home I had already eaten.

Exercise has been blah. Last day was Thursday. I have plans for tomorrow morning. One of those crazy 1.5 hour workout with all the bells and whistles. I'll try to take a picture.

2 house parties planned for tomorrow. Plans are to load up on the water, stay busy with conversation and steer clear of the food spread. Both parties are with acquaintances which means I will be shy and uncomfortable.

Have a great and healthy 4th.

Monday, July 2, 2012

8 Days

This one maybe only the mommy’s can relate to.

I have 8 days of freedom.  8 days my entire family will be out of town.  8 days were I have only my needs to attend to.  The fun begins on July 14.

What the hell am I going to do with myself!

The intention of my husband taking the kids to the family reunion in FL is so that I can spend time alone with my mom.  Trust me I will be doing that but not for 8 days.  8 days alone with your parents is a bit too much.

I feel nervous, excited, scared, anxious, and a bunch of other stuff.  I have been a stay at home mom for 5 years now.  I worry about my boys flying, I worry about my husband alone with the boys.  Don’t get me wrong, he is great but 8 days is a long time. 

My parents live 330 miles North East of me, My old college town is North west.  My first stop on my way to my parents (a big triangle) will be to visit my first college roommate in my college town.  It is a beautiful place.  While at my parents I plan on Hiking Yosemite’s Mist Trail to the top of Nevada fall (7 miles, about 2000 foot gain).  When I return home I have a big list of projects and plans with a friend.  I basically told her let’s do something we really want to do that we can’t with kids.  Maybe Venice Beach, Hollywood, a museum, LA eateries, etc.  Who knows.

Friday, June 29, 2012


Slumps are like a soft bed.
They're easy to get into and hard to get out of.

Johnny Bench

Couldn't agree more.  Sums up my first half of 2012.  It won't define the second half.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Why Version 2.0

I'm done with ......

Looking back
Investigating the why
Feeling guilty about gaining weight
Gaining weight
Feeling crappy
Not fitting in my clothes
Feeling like a fraud and failure
Disappointing myself and my loved ones.

Time to move forward. It's not time to throw in the towel with this blog. When I was doing IT, this blog helped me be successful. It worked as a journal, a place for me to work some things out. It also helped knowing someone, somewhere out there is reading it and might get something from my struggle.

On the other hand I don't know how often I can post. My priorities have to come first. My priorities being my kids, myself, my husband, my marriage and my home - in no particular order. Unfortunately that probably means I will be posting more on the weekends - blog wasteland. My life is not a normal 9-5 weekday situation. I often have to roll with the punches and readjust.

Sure, looking back might be useful in some situations. But I am done. I guess the only think I will think about is that yes I did it and I can do it again.

So far this week I have - hiked wed, hiked thur and boot camp.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Finding the Fit Girl Version 2.0

Starting weight = 208.0

7/3 - end of June weight 206
9/4 - end of summer weight 195

This next week I will focus on water, no fast food, and exercise a min of 3 days.

My why will be explained in another post.

Tonight will be our first camping trip as a family. I've camped most of my childhood. Hubby says he camped. We have never camped as a family. Granted we are camping about a mile from our house as the crow flies and we are taking 2 cars, just in case. Still it's a beautiful campground full of trails and nature. I live on a Mesa just above a large ravine that connects to a mountain range. Total suburbia smack next to nature. Seriously, I can walk to Target and Lowes.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Back Home

Can’t believe it’s been nearly a week since I posted.  We were out of town Monday thru Thursday.  We had a blast and a blast of super bad luck.  We stayed at Harrah’s in Laughlin NV and went see-dooing and boating on Lake Mojave. 

No matter how much I plan ahead I always seem to running like a chicken with my head cut off right before a trip.  Monday was exhausting and a huge rush trying to get it done.  Hubby worked all weekend thru Monday so all the packing, etc. was on me.  On the way out we stopped at Chipotle in Barstow.  Apparently since my hubby was in a rush I left my entire purse there.  The store contacted triple A who in turn got a hold of me on my cell.  The manager said she would put my purse in the safe until my return on Thursday.  The next day my hubby lost his wallet in the lake (improper closing of the latch on the see-do).  Ok so now with both have no ID, no cards but we did have enough cash to get us thru.  Fast forward to Wednesday and hubby starts the frustrating process of calling the CC’s.  Come to find out MY CARD was used fraudulently in Canada.  It could have been a coincidence because when I picked up my purse, nothing was missing (cash too).  When we retuned the see-doo we borrowed from a co worker my husband hit the trim of his garage with the hatch of my car, taking a chunk out of the garage and ruining my rear wipers.

Even with all this we had two blissful days on the lake. 

River June 2012

I know I am 20 pounds heavier than the last time we meet this group.  I didn’t let any of that stop me.  I wore my suit, I rode the see-do, I jumped off a cliff and I rode the raft thing on the left above.

Hubby asked why I packed so much.  The sad answer is that I don’t know what fits and how I will feel in it at the moment.

I am ready to get it done.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

My A** Handed to Me

Today I got my a*** handed to me. I arranged a sitter and went to my trainer's super Sunday class. It's an hour and half of torture.

We started with a cardio warmup and the used weighted bars. Next was a circuit with trx, weighted twists, bidi ball push ups, sit ups, shoulder press, Jacob's ladder (torture), ab roller, heavy ropes, tire swings, dead lifts, box jumps and sled pulls. I think we did 2 or 3 circuits. You'd think we were dive, sadly no. Next was bag kickboxing.

I am trying to decide on my blogs direction. Do I continue, quick, revamp? I don't know.

Monday, June 11, 2012

The Flip Side but Which Side?

I am in crisis mode when it comes to my weight.  I am teetering somewhere between 204 and 208.  I feel gross and pissed that I gained 20 pounds in a year, plus.  I’m really not looking forward to bathing suit season or the river trip next week with a bunch of skinny bitches.

In May I hit my 39th birthday.  I asked my parents to pay for a few months of my Kettlebell boot camp classes.  Sure, I could workout on my own but right now my mindset is not in the place to self motivate.

I've mentioned before and showed that I mostly lost weight by eating sensible, clean and mostly whole foods.  I tried a few different routes here and there but never any traditional diets (weight watchers, etc).  No packaged or fake foods were in my life.  I still don’t use any artificial sweeteners or sodas.  No high fructose corn syrup either.  My ultimate goal would be to be an intuitive eater.

But  … all the old habits and issues came back over the last year along with the weight. (Duh!).  Portion control went out the door.  Making correct food choices, gone.  Not bingeing – gone.  Regularly exercising – not consistent.  What I miss most is the level of satisfaction I had with good clean food and smaller portions.  That satisfaction hasn’t returned.

When I asked my parents to pay for the exercise class it opened the door for them to offer more help.  While visiting over Memorial Day weekend I was asked if I considered looking into a weight loss program.  I was told they would like to pay for it.  Well that’s a smack upside my head.  I told them I would think about it. 

Fast forward a week or so and my mom calls telling me they are ”serious about helping me out and please look into it.”

I am at a big impasse, unable to move forward.  I made 1 call today to a nutritionist that runs a program at my Dr’s office.  There is another program I want to go to an orientation meeting.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Being Thankful

For someone who has a glass half empty complaining outlook on life being thankful can be difficult. I spent the middle of Friday night and early Saturday morning in the ER with the 3 year old tornado, he is fine now.  I sat there watching TV with him in my lap and I realized how thankful I am that my family is healthy.  We have no major illness to handle.  Sure my mom has cancer and yes that is a biggie but I am talking mostly about my kids.  I can't imagine being a family where a trip to the ER is commonplace.  Dr. Visits are like park visit for me.  I am so thankful for my kids health.  I honestly don't know how the families with the sick kids do it.

You may have noticed I don't include pictures of my kids faces.  The blog is not private.  I can not control who sees it.  With that in mind I will not include pics of my family.  I wish I live in a world where that wouldn't be an issue.  My kids are beautiful and do crazy things that I would love to share but I choose not to.  If you do please don't take offense, this is my personal choice.

Friday, June 1, 2012

BYOC–June 1

1. Are you a daily purse switcher, an often purse buyer or a one purse kind of woman? What factors influence your purse buying?
Yes and no.  I don’t wear outfits and I have limited clothes.because of my weight gain.  But I do switch purse covers.  I use Miche bags.  I have 2 different sized shells and about 10 covers.  Its fun and easy to change up the outside of my purse.

2. What’s your favorite board game?
Back in the day I loved Clue but haven’t played it in a long long time.  My parents were Risk players so I have a ton of nostalgia attached to that one, the 8 year old loves it too.

3. Are you a sore loser who throws fits or a gracious winner? Are you competitive?
A bit of both.  I am a Gemini – 2 sides – can you tell by my answers.  I am a gracious winner or looser but I am competitive too.  Problem is my other side gives up when the going gets hard.

4. Tell us something you are afraid of that is a physical item…like spiders, deep water, heights, snakes, thunderstorms, first dates, childbirth, etc.
Honestly I don’t have any big fears irrational fears or phobias.  Sure I have things I dislike, hate, etc.  But nothing that truly gets my panties twisted into crazy.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week.
Crazy.  I was at my parents house until Tuesday.  Make the 330 mile trek home, relaxed for a few a bit then headed to the 8 year olds school for open house and auction, then helped with the auction and $ until 10 pm.  Spent Wed and Thur trying to get back into the swing and get stuff done.  Lots of running around – swim lessons, g-shop, book club, hair cut, PTA deposits, etc.  Thursday I had an an emotional breakdown fueled by lack of sleep – ugly cry and all.  Going to my parents wrecks havoc on my fairly fragile emotions.  My “Normal” is pretty high stress.

I can’t FLIPPIN believe it’s June 1.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Shopping and Hello

I love that my grocery cart looks like this. We are fortunate to have many choices near us. I have Trader Joes, Sprouts, Target market, and 4 other traditional grocery stores within miles of me. The basket is from Sprouts. Wednesday's are double sale days. Both the previous week and the next weeks sales are available. They have a wonderful bulk bin selection.

My cart contains almonds, cashews, dark chocolate almonds, chicken breasts (1.88 a lb), chicken tenderloins, pork spareribs, avocados, tomatoes, tri color bell peppers, apples, onions, carrots, eggplants, cheese, a wine for book club.

Sorry for the absence. Just back in town from visiting my parents. it's a ton of work driving 330 miles by myself with 2 kids.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Today is

Today is my 39th birthday.

Today is the day I face my current weight and tell it like it is.

Today is the day I make some changes.

Today is the day I stop, refocus and start anew.

Today my weight is 204.4.

Today I am sick with a cold which means I can’t visit my parents this weekend.  Too risky.

Today is a new day.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Beat Down But Still Kicking

I am still here, still reading everyone’s blogs.

Life is beating me down at the moment and I am trying to claw my way back up.  I could go on and on about what is beating me down, but really do you want to read that, I think not.  Some of the highlights are:  the mess in my house, my 8 year old not listening and his drama (I know we have a long way to go but it needs correcting now so we he can survive later), my body, my food choices, cancer, my cherub faced 3 year old tornado, money …. life in general.

I have been talking to someone lately.  I like her, we do some work but I’m not sure it’s enough at the moment.  I think I need more.  I am not sure what the more is at the moment.

My weight is basically maintaining.  I am frustrated that last summer I was 15 pounds lighter.  I feel it in my bathing suits and all my clothes.  I have been avoiding my clothes because they make me uncomfortable.  I pull out the looser, easier to wear stuff all the time.  I am hating it.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

End of 21 Day Program

I finished my 21 day fat loss program last Friday but I measured on Monday. I lost about 5 pounds and 5 inches. I have visibly toned my body. My apologies for not having the exact numbers, my trainer has them.

The exercise was intense and exhausting. My body was beat down.

Was I solid with the exercise - yes minus one extra recovery day because of no car. With the strict food program - sadly no. Food consistency is a big big issue for me. I have texture and taste issues. Imagine my results had I been on track with the food.

I am back on the exercise horse.  Now the food.

Aorry I don't have much more I had like 4 hours of sleep and my head is mush.

HELP! - Do any iPhone users know how to read the blogs your're following on your iPhone.  I use Google Reader on my home computer where I can read all the posts from all the blogs I follow.  I would love to do this on my phone, I don't know how.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Garden 2012

Our garden is in full swing. The last few years it was 80% hubby. He would prepare, plan, purchase, trim, weed, etc. I would usually water, weed and get the produce (what is the word for that- prune?). This year I've done it all with the exception of the tilling.

I planted Anaheim peppers, 3 color bell peppers, pumpkins, zucchini, eggplant, 4 types of tomatoes, cilantro, chives, green onions, strawberries and we have a bunch of mystery growth.

I hand also been working on other parts of the yard. In fact I just finished mowing. I never mow. The little one has made it hard. He has pulled up the veggies more than once and has been removing the buckets too. Sorry for the crappy picture.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Where Have I Been

I wish I could say some fancy tropical location – sadly NO!

I have been busy just being.

I recently and quickly lost 3 followers.  I am down to 53, I’ve never had a lot of followers.  I think it takes time and effort to cultivate it.  I don’t have time for the effort Winking smile

It made me a bit sad but the reality is – have I been writing, been interesting, been successful – again sadly no.  I am thrilled beyond words to know there is people out there reading my blog.  I hope someone, somewhere might benefit from something I do or say at some point.  It gives untold accountability and a sense of community.  I wish I had more time to cultivate blogging relationships thru commenting and replying to comments.  Know this – If I follow your blog I AM reading it.  I have noticed a trend of limited posts from other bloggers.  BUT – In the end this blog is for me.  It’s an extension of my brain - ha

Part of my lack of blogging is many fold.  Working out 5 days a week, some at 5 am is kicking my lily white butt.  My body is beat up.  Life seems to be running on a busier pace lately.  I am working on getting my 3 year old out more with his peers.  I haven’t had anything I felt was interesting or incite full to share.  I haven’t been successful with true weight loss in a long time and I feel shame and guilt.  Let me spin this a different way.  I am successful with exercise.  I am successful with maintaining my weight.  I am successful with losing inches.  I am successful with my water.  I am strong and fit.  I kick butt in my classes.  I secretly hope my trainer reads this and confirms for me – he’s not one to hand out compliments or atta boys.

At times I have to remind myself I am a mom, with 2 active boys, one being a toddler, crazy hubby schedule and I have my home (all inclusive) to care for.  I may not be working but I work my ass off.  I won’t go into the mommy wars here.  We all, regardless of situations, work our asses off.  Even through I may not be seeing a whole lot dropping on the scale, I am doing it.  It being – exercising consistently, dropping inches, seeing dr’s, taking my medicine, caring for my family, my home, my health, my mental state (seeing a therapist), my mom, and so on

Stick with me!

Saturday, April 28, 2012

I'm Marking This One Done

Next month I will be celebrating my 39th birthday.  A long time ago I created at 40 by 40 list.  There is a side page listed on the top of my blog with it.  I have been meaning to update this list.  I still will.   #14 is grow my hair to bra length.  I have been working on this one for awhile.  I have baby fine hair with body.  It has been driving me nuts.  Regardless of how much product I use it gets so tangled and takes FOREVER to comb out.  With working out 5 times a week, that can be frustrating.  I also have the type of hair where I need to shower daily or it gets too greasy.  I also have no style skills, like french braiding etc, so getting the long hair out of my way was proving difficult.

My original intention was to below my bra but I am DONE with my hair.  I need a lighter easier cut.  I am marking this one off.  Seriously I don't think my hair can go much longer. 

Please ignore the backfat
 Other notes
I didn't intend to take a 6 day break from my blog.  It just happened.  We are down a car and in the process of figuring out what the hell to do.  My weight is great, I will update later.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Skinny Tips

Skinny Tips via a Jillian's Michael's Podcast 3/24/12
Tip in black, my comments in purple

1. Eat 8 almonds or 5 walnuts before a big meal, no more, it's not a snack. This will keep you full for a longer time so you will eat less.  Don't see anything odd about this one.  Someone might have an issue stopping with just 8. 

2. Brush your teeth throughout the day. You don't want to eat if you just brushed your teeth. I'm not sure this will stop me. That just brushed taste fades quick although having nice brushed teeth does feel good.

3. If you desire pizza and you avoid the craving by eating an apple, then XX, then XX by the time you are done you would have eaten the same amount of calories as the pizza. So eat 3 bites of the thing you desire (pizza, etc), walk away and wait 10 min. Hopefully the craving will have passed.  JM admitted this is a hard one.  Could I stop at just 3.  Honestly I doubt it but it could be worth a try.

4. Wear tight clothes or Spanx.  OK this is fantastic and I totally get it.  With my gain over the last year my nicer clothes no longer fit and the ones that do are too loose, giving me lots of room.  When I do put on something more fitted I feel so uncomfortable.  If I wore something tight to a party I definitely might avoid eating too much.  I need to wear fitted clothes more often to remind myself I need to work on it.  All my house clothes are huge, comfy and loose.

5. It's ok to have carbs - White and whole wheat pasta are high glycemic. Preferable eat brown rice or quinoa pasta. If you make it Al Dente it lowers the gymycemic index of the pasta.  I pretty much avoid pasta. I never time pasta and I usually over cook it, I will have to keep a close eye on it.  Not sure the toddler would eat Al Dente.

6. With high glycemic index food, food combine with fat and protein you will slow down the insulin release of the carbs. Still stay within the portion control.  This is the cornerstone of Insulin Resistance (or diabetic) diet.  Every meal should have a counteracting protein in it.  I strive to eat this way.  It works for my body, in fact it will work for all body's.

7. Fiber supplement - not the fake stuff, not laxatives - psyllium husks. Fiber is a bulking agent it make you feel more full. Take before your meal.  I've never tried psyllium husks but I do use Chia seeds.  It does give you a satisfied feeling.  Sometimes I will bring a cup full of water or tea with chia in it to sip on at a party. 

8. Dump salt or something on your food when you are done eating something (restaurant) and ruin the food. Destroying any temptations.  Totally reasonable idea or getting a box and putting it right in.  I would totally pick otherwise.  I still have the clean you plate mentality ingrained in my brain.  I fight it all the time.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Days 3 and 4

In day 3 I hit the wall. I was suffering from compound soreness.
I felt hungry for the first time. My body was beat to a pulp. I feel like the walking dead.

Unfortunately my cooler head did not prevail over my tumultuous stomach on Wednesday night.  I had book club meeting.  I brought chicken skewers, totally safe to eat.  Is that all I ate, sadly no.  I didn't over eat, bonus I guess. 

On the plus side (or minus) I am down about 4 pounds since Monday.

On day 4 (thru) I missed my alarm.  I came home from book club at 10:30 (late) so 4:45 was just too early.  I went to the 9am class instead.  No hunger, in fact I forgot to eat, weird.  Soreness subsided and I felt somewhat normal.

I am looking forward to the workout break this weekend.  Bummer is the weekend is when hubby works so not much resting will happen with a dirty house and 2 active boys (and baseball both days).

Saturday is cheat day.  I am worried that it will undo all the work I accomplished this week.

4 days down, 17 to go.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

2 Days Down, 19 to Go

Admittedly this challenge is not as bad as I made it out to be. 

Weird thing is that every night I get super hot when I am sleeping.  Trainer says it my body saying “hell yes”. 

I’ve dropped about 3 pounds since Monday.

I was exhausted all afternoon and night on Tuesday, I went from 5 am on non stop, no my usual MO.  Hubby had to work OT until late night so I had no help.  The tornado of a toddler deicided he didn’t want to nap, he wanted to mark all the walls with a marker, pull out half of my newly planted vegetables, hit his brother, and on and on.  I lost my cool more than once.  The house is a mess and its really getting to me but its nearly impossible to do anything with the tornado around.  Seriously he pulled out my plants in a matter of 3 mins.

The no grain day (tue) was fine.  I made a new yummy.  I cut up some asparagus in small pieces.  Sauté in water in a cover pan, when water is gone I added some butter, cracked 1 whole egg and then some egg white from a carton.  Scramble then I topped it with Tastefully Simple’s Seasoned salt.  I loved it so much I made it twice.  Sure I could have skipped the butter, but I didn’t. 

My body hurts.  Time to pick up some Epson salts for my bath.

I did get upset the other day that my measurements (arms, chest, hip, waist) are the same as another blogger, who weights 75 pounds more than me.  The major difference is that my thighs are 11 inches smaller per side (18 in), calves too.  Again I am humpty dumpty, big on top, small on the bottom.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


In case you are wondering that is not me.
No weight in today.  I posted my weight yesterday.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Rapid Fat Loss Challenge

Today was day 1 of a 21 day rapid fat loss challenge. My longtime fitness guru Paul is running it. I decided its just the right swift kick in the ass I need. This is not a permanent diet.  Over the next 3 weeks I will chronicle how it is going for me.  It's only 21 days.

Start weight = 204.0
Intense exercise 5-6 days a week
MWF - 4 meals of a fist portion of lean protein, 1 grain (oatmeal, quinoa, black beans, or sweet potato) and 1 green veggie
TTH- 4 meals of 1 lean protein and 1 green veggie
Sat - free for all
Sun - fast

No dairy, no sugar, no other grains, no other veggies (tomatoes boo). There is some more to it, I won't bore you with the details.  The kicker is that I will be doing 4 of my workouts at 5:00 am.

Day 1
Exercise was quick but intense and also simple We were supposed to be at a 7 of 10 for exertion. No sugar or milk in my am black tea sucked but I dealt with it. Paul mentioned a little sugar and milk won't hurt. Tomorrow I will add milk but skip the sugar. I really want to see how zero sugar will make me feel. My legs feel like jello. I crashed around 2 pm.  My head is very clear.  Energy level about a 6 of 10 but dropping as the day goes from the workout.  Right now I am eating spinach, quinoa, and a really dry turkey meatloaf.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Well Duh!!!

On my recent road trips I discovered I could listen to podcasts on my phone to pass the time.  I have thoroughly enjoyed listening to Jillian Michael's podcasts.  She is honest, open and knowledgeable about so many areas of life. Forget what you know about her and check it out.

Anyway, on the way up to visit my mom's this past Monday I was dumbstruck by JM's podcast.  Call it my ah ha moment or whatever you want to call it.  I'd like to think of it as a smack upside the head.  Go here and or iTunes and listen to the 3/24/12 podcast.

Let's call it "control when you are out of control".  Bear with me here, i'll paraphrase.  Or listen to the podcast if you can.

Taking control.  Regain your sense of control and ease the feeling of utter helplessness by being proactive in other areas of your life.  Keep yourself busy with other things.  Be positive and have an impact.  Exert control in other areas of your life and if you can have a positive impact on others.
I cannot control the situation with my mom.  I can be proactive and control what I eat and my exercise.  I can clean my act up and get off this pity food wagon I have been on for far too long.  I can give mom the Gift I know deep in my heart I want to give.  I will keep myself busy with weight loss, exercise and fixing my home.  I can continue the work with my weight loss group and maybe have a positive impact on others.

I called my hubby later in the day and mentioned my ah ha moment.  He said "that's what I have been telling you".  My response was that I needed to have my pity party, now I am done.

The damage of the last few weeks is bad. As of this morning my weigh is 202.4.  No too bad but 5 pounds over my lowest for 2012 of 197.  I have huge plans for the next 3 weeks to tackle this weight.  It will be a rough few weeks - no sugar, no bread. - but I am ready.  It's only 21 days starting Monday.  It's a fat loss program my trainer is running.

Friday, April 6, 2012

News is NOT Positive

Not a whole lot of health and fitness related things going on around here lately. Lots of tears and breakdowns.

Not really sure how much TIME we have but right now it's my number one priority. I will bring the fitness and health back in because I need it. It will make me feel better and help me cope with the other crap. Bad food makes me feel bad. No exercise makes me feel bad. I don't need to add that on to already feeling crappy.

I will be blogging when I can and honestly need to, but not a priority. I hope my readers understand It's my therapy. It may be boring but I need it. I don't have a ton of readers but i am honored to have every single one. I am sorry there is not much weight loss going on here. There will be, just not right now.

A little personal history might help with understanding. I am an only child. The rest of our family, aunts and uncles are distant and/or live across the country. My dad is a good man but distant and very difficult to communicate with. My parents live over 300 miles away. My husband's entire family also lives across the country. With the exception of my husband I am quite alone in this process of losing my young (64) mom to cancer.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Weekly Weight In 4/3/2012

Weight = 201.2
Loss = NA
Loss for 2012 = –3.6
Total Loss = –30.8
Emotion = all over the place

Fine I will weight in.  I will admit that last Tuesday I was at 203.8.  Insane 7 pound gain in one week.  Vicious food cycle here – I am eating emotionally, I feel crappy from the eating, the food choices cycle cravings for more crap and I continue to eat and feel crappy.  I am really low right now.  Super low.

I am on a fence right now about my blog.  I am trying to decide where I want to go with it right now.  I need to process if I really should be spending time on it in the first place.  It take a lot of time to post.  Time where my toddler can get into trouble, which usually means more clean up time for me.  Stay tuned, I have yet to make a decision, I am working it out.

Today is a good and bad day.  Tonight I will be celebrating my 11th anniversary.  My hubby made the plans which is a very very rare thing.  I have no clue what we are doing.  It’s nice to hand over control sometimes.  I wish I could do it more often.  Sometime today my mom will be getting her CAT scan results from last week.  Honestly I am not trying to be negative here but I know the results will not be positive.  The realistic scientist in me knows this.

Want proof of how low I am.  I cried 2 times writing this post.  Crazy!!!!  I am a bit sleep deprived today.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

My Gift

My gift to you.

I want to give you the gift of time. I want to give you health. Unfortunately both are out of my control.

The gift I can give is security. You can be secure on knowing I am good. I have a great marriage, two wonderful boys, and a home. You can be secure in knowing I am an improved version of myself, the best I can be on the inside and out.

I am working on my gift. My gift will take time, persistence, patience, and perseverance.

On top of my gift I can give you my time. No matter what. I will be there when you need me. I will also give you celebration. I will find all the ways I can celebrate you. I will use the celebration instead of sadness.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Weekly Weigh In 3/28/2012

Weight = NOT
Loss = GONNA
Total 2012 = HAPPEN
Overall = NO WAY
Emotion = AT ALL

Let's put it this way. If every week was like my last I would put on all my weight lost in a mere 5 weeks.

As I mentioned before food choices were bad on my trip to my parents. I've been cleaning up but not completely. Exercise is getting back on track. Saturday I did couch to 5K week 2 day 3. Sunday I did 1.5 hours of a mixed workout and mon was boot camp.

It was a bad week.  I know what I did.  I know the mistakes.  I really don't want to put down my weight.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Road Trip Return

I'm back from a trip to my parents’ house.

I stepped on the scale today. It read 201. Crazy 4 pound gain over 4 days. Amazing what are bodies do. I know how I ate on the trip. I know why I ate the way I did. I know this isn't a real gain. I would say at least 3 pounds are water. I will not feel guilty about what I did. I have too many emotions swirling around me and I will not allow guilt to be one of them.

This trip I traveled with just the toddler (3). He was fantastic in the car. I couldn’t have asked for any better. On the way home around hour 6 he was getting antsy, but that's understandable. I spent the last 2 hours yesterday in lovely Hell A (LA) traffic. We left my parents at 9:30 am and arrived home after 4 pm. At the house it was a different story. I am not bragging but little one is very smart and extremely physical. He has a knack for getting into things he shouldn't. He also has a stubborn streak a mile long and major ants in his pants. He required 100% watching and even with that he destroyed a few things. Which means I didn't have much one on one time with my mom and no downtime. Hubby and I are going to work out a trip where the little one stay with him. That will give me time to be "with" my mom. I parked myself on the couch for a few hours last night and let hubby take care of the kids. I was beat.

Although I will not feel guilty about my food choices I do feel a bit guilty about no exercising. I had a plan and I didn't do it. I knew it would make me feel great but I truly didn't have it in me to do it.  Back on the horse today.

Am I making the right decision about not feeling guilty about my eating, considering the circumstances?

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Weekly Weigh In 3/21/12

Weight = 197.0
Loss = -1.0
Loss for 2012 = -7.8
Total Loss = -35.0
Emotion = Shaky

Sorry I am late with this post. I wrote this already but it was lost in cyberspace and yesterday I was on the road with the toddler (330 miles) so I had limited access.

I am visiting my parents this week. My emotions are super high. Things are not going well in the cancer fighting arena. I can't really got into more details. I hoping to make it thru the week finding the celebration and calm. My travel day, Tuesday, was a major bread festival. I ate my way thru the day. There is no guilt, it happened. I would love to see a loss on the other side of this visit but I am not sure that is realistic.

Exercise was great the past week. Mon was off, tue a walk/run, wed was boot camp, thur was off, fri was boot camp, sat a walk/run and sun was hot yoga.

My post might not be too frequent.  We will see.  The toddler is needing nearly constant watching lately.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Oh I See

I recently had a bright idea.  Admittedly sometimes I am slow with the revelations other times I am right on.

To review - Feb 2011 I reached an all time low weight of 185.  I was loving it.  Slowly I gained weight.

This is not about the "why" I gained weight.  This is about a major misconception I held onto during this time.

I figured is was easy on, easy off.  That 5 or 10 pound (or later nearly 20) gain would come off easy since I already took it off.  No, it wouldn't be as tough as it was the first time. 

I was wrong.

It takes just as long to get rid of a gain as it did the first time.

It sucks but it is true.

This misconception killed my motivation to actually get the weight off.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

I Rock

I rock. OK maybe just a little bit.

Tuesday was a busy day. I needed to fit in my exercise. Time was running out and I really didn't want to go on the treadmill at 9 pm.

Big boy had baseball at 4 pm with a 4:30 game. I decided to do day 1 of the couch to 5k program at the ball field before the game started. Hubby had the toddler and he was meeting us there.

I did it. I set out to do something and I did it.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Weekly Weight In 3/13/13

Weight = 198.0
Loss = –0.8
Total for 2012 = –6.8
Total Overall = –34.0

Not a huge amount but the right direction.

I was consistent with my exercise last week.  Mon – Boot camp, Tue – off, Wed – Hike, Thur – off, Fri – Boot camp, Sat – off, Sun – Hot Yoga.  I would like to see more.  This week I am starting the Couch to 5K program.  I have a 5K set for May 19th and my goal is the run the whole thing straight. 

Quick update, I have a tornado of a house to clean, no time to write.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Blah, Blah, Blahie, Blah

I have a love hate relationship with time change. 

I love that it gets dark late.  I hate its darker in the morning.  I love sunshine.  I hate it makes my kids crazy for a few days.  I love spring.  I hate that I have to pay closer attention to the clock or we will be eating dinner at 7pm.

We are all a bunch of walking zombies here.  No illnesses are the cause.  It started 2 weeks ago when the pacifier fairy gave the 3 year old’s “phier” to a baby since he is a big boy now.  He has been having a rough time sleeping.  In addition he has lost his mind for 2 days in a row now.  I am talking over an hour screaming, crying, throwing things tantrum.  Last night I went to bed earlier than usual (beat), 10pm and even took a melatonin supplement.  Sometime later the 8 year old wandered in crying from a nightmare.  We watched Harry Potter year 1 last night since we finished the book.  Good Idea???  He said he can’t watch it close to bedtime.

The time change is also hard on someone who has to wake up for work on Sunday morning at 3:45am.  Hubby uses his phone for an alarm clock, we didn’t know when the time would change and if it would work.  I woke up several times that night, including at 4:30 am and promptly woke him up.  He wasn’t late for work but he did miss his workout.

My plan for today, even though I want to crawl back in bed, is to stay “on” with my food (hard when I’m mind numbingly tired), do 30min on the treadmill, clean up house and make absolutely sure the toddler gets a proper nap.  I had to skip boot camp this morning and call a friend to take big kid to school because the toddler was going batsh*it crazy at the time.  I want to keep things calm for everyone today and early bedtimes.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Bucket List Check Off

I drove a real NASCAR, really fast today.  Even at 198 I had a hard time fitting in the car, I had to have a pillow behind me to reach the gas.  I had to switch cars because in the first one the steering wheel was on my belly.  A bit embarrassing but it didn't stop me.  I was a hot sweaty mess afterwards.  Would I, could I have done this at 232, probably not for many reasons.  I tired to upload the video 3 times with no success.  Just 4 cars driving around a track.

PS - sorry its been a few days since a post.  Been busy here and getting back on the exercise horse is kicking my butt.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Weekly Weigh In 3/6/12

Weight = 198.8
Loss = -0.4
Total loss for 2012 = -6.0
Overall loss = -33.2
Emotion = Thrilled

I am thrilled to finally see the other side of 199.  I've admitted before I am a habitual scale stepper.  I have been seeing between 201 and 199 for weeks but never below 199.  I know this is the start of something great.  I feel it in my bones.  I am ready to effect more change but LIFE I ask you not to sideline me right now.  Let's continue with the status quo for awhile while I continue to get my mojo back, PLEASE!!!!!!  I beg you.

Next week is the final weigh in for weight competition at hubby's work. I will show a loss but not a huge one. It's a cash prise so it would be nice if we win but who knows. Hubby did an excellent job. He probably lost between 15 and 20 pounds.  His body fat is somewhere around 17%, not bad.

This is my first week back to consistent exercise. It will be painful. But good pain. Bring it on.  Tommorow I will finally get to hike if the weather cooperates.  It's pretty gloomy out right now.

Food is good.  No cravings, portions good.  I am making better choices.

How was your week?

Monday, March 5, 2012

March Goals 2012

Isn't there a saying that March comes in like a lamb and out like a lion. I want my March to be just like that. I will move past my crappy February. I might be wrong on the quote but it works for me

Same as February, I want to see 195.  I would love to see more but I don't want to set myself up for failure.

No more than 1 day without intentional exercise. It will be a combo of kettlebell boot camp, hot yoga, and walking.  I have been trying to get a hike in with a friend but schdules suck.  Hoepfully this week, it's not safe to hike alone and I hate that I am limited by that.  I would love to just go.  Sometimes I am not sure how much I "Limit" myself with things.
Here is my week as an example:
Mon - boot camp
Tue - rest
Wed - yoga
Thur - walk
Fri - boot camp
Sat - rest
Sun - walk

  • Read intuitive eating book
  • Work on hallway framing project
  • Spend about 2 hrs a week on office crap
  • Find a therapist I want to work with
  • Journal out stresses, feelings, etc
I can and will do this.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

February in Review

I posted my February goals here.  First off I can’t believe it’s been since Tuesday.  I didn’t intend to take that long to post.

February was a rough month.  I was on an emotional roller coaster that included a post half marathon let down.  I did a bit of exercise but nothing consistently.  I blew my goal of no more than 2 days between exercise.  I did start attending Hot Yoga.  I think I have been about 5 times or so.  I went just yesterday.  My review – at least of the particular place I am attending.  It’s not a place for newbies.  Most of the instructors are very new to yoga and don’t spend any time on proper technique.  It’s hot.  Seriously you are dripping wet within minutes and I am not a sweater.  You have to be careful of getting overheated, which means you have to be connected to your heart and breath.

My weigh goal was missed but I am fine with that.  My emotions were so out of control and my weight didn’t – that’s a win in my book.

My life goals were mostly hit.  I did get some more organization done but it stopped there.

On a side note – My weight loss support group is amazing.  We meet weekly and have anywhere between 3 people and 8 people attending.  2 of the ladies lost nearly 20 pounds since the beginning of the year. 

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Weekly Weigh In 2-28-2012

Weight = 199.2
Loss = -0.4
Total Loss = 32.8
Emotion = Holding Steady

Why "holding steady"?  I am thrilled with maintaining and not going back over 200.  Right now my focus is completely away from weight loss. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. With some much needed prompting from my husband, honesty after some big emotional fights, I finally have some appointments set for therapy. My anxiety is at an all time high and I probably have some depression. I need a neutral party to talk to and work things out.  I am not opposed to prescription intervention but I want to wait and see how it goes.  I would prefer not to take anything.  I have also been dealing with some medical issues that have not resolved.  As much as I would like to say it doesn't stress me out, it does.

Yesterday I attended kettlebell boot camp. Last time I went was at least 4 months. I miss group exercise classes. Honestly with all the muck going on upstairs I need classes like these to force myself to exercise. You see, I want to exercise but I lack the umph to do it on my own right now. But this is yet another thing that the all mighty dollar is roadblocking me. These are the times I wish I was working. But I wouldn't change my situation.  Our taxes are done and maybe the refund will be nice ought for me to use some funds.  I am all over fatigued from class not not crazy sore.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Cooking Love

This past weekend I was in a cooking frenzy. Part of the love comes from getting new tools. For Christmas I received a 7 quart cast iron Dutch oven (that I bought on Black Friday) and a stick blender. Two items I've never had but always loved and desired.

Over the years I converted from an exact measurement cook to an eyeball and experimentation cook. I was unsure of cooking abilities before and my chemistry background enforced using exact measurements. I credit shows like Rachael Ray with the change in my cooking.  Nowadays I look a recipe and wing it.  Add here and there and hand measure the spices (like Rachel).

This weekend I made a big batch of chili and chicken tortilla soup. The chili was excellent. The soup was good but not what I expected. I took a friend's recipe and obliterated it. Sometimes experimentation get you in trouble.

Eating clean unprocessed foods requires cooking.  Sometimes it's a royal pain in the you know what.  Other times I love the process.

Friday, February 24, 2012

That's What I Call Grocery Shopping

Hubby came home from our local Sprouts with all this. We may not go organic yet (too much $$$$) but we do eat healthy and unprocessed most of the time. Kids are not totally on board but we are working on it.

Goods include - on sale chicken breasts and ground chicken, 3 colors of bell peppers , quinioa, almonds, cranberries, 3 types of onions, and flours. All this for just over $50.

Hubby did this all. Including looking at the ads and deciding what is the best price. He is a keeper.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

A Deflated Idea

Have you ever been struck with a fantastic wonderful idea then you get struck down because of the all mighty dollar?

Today I had an awesome chance to meet someone who truly might be able to help me. I met with a certified intuitive eating counselor. I love the idea of working with her. Problem is I'm not sure where I can find the funds to do so. I will also have to wait until after the weight competition with hubby (March 15). Apparently the beginning states of intuitive eating work and weight loss don't equate.

A lot came to the surface while we talked. She said I have a lot to deal with right now. I feel like I am at the bottom of a huge mountain. That mountain is a huge transition for me. I imagine at the end of this transition I will be the women I want to be. I'm nearly 39 so if you want let's call it a mid life crisis. That proverbial mountain with be a long, steady, hard, difficult climb.

I want to work with this counselor. I need to figure out how I can do that. I browsed ebay tonight to see if I can sell some things laying (unused) around the house.  Wish me luck.  Another option would be to ask my parents, as crazy as that sounds.  Sometimes being a stay at home has it downsides.  This same night I had a discussion with my son as to why I can't buy him at $14 dollar pencil sharpener for his desk.  Crap thing is that I bought him a cheap small $1 one and it ripped up the pencils.  Total waste and killed the point I was trying to make.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Weekly Weigh In 2/21/12

Weight = 199.6
Lost = -0.2 but really nothing
Total Lost = 32.4
Emotion = wasted

I can't believe February is almost over. I feel like I wasted the month fitness and weight loss wise. Honestly I didn't record my weight last week because it was up and I was embarrassed. Not the right mindset to be in. I really have made no progress in a month.  That is a waste.

On the positive side I am making it over some big hurdles.  I talked to my Dr. (general) about seeking a therapist and maybe some medicated help.  Honestly she would have probably prescribed me something that day but I told her I want to wait until after I start seeing someone and get their opinion.  I am also having a consultation with an Intuitive Eating counselor.  she is a local person I just recently received a referral for.  We will see what she can offer.  All is not wasted but I am drained for the meotional crap swiming in my head.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Muscle Memory

Our bodies are amazing. You treat it right and it returns the favor, most of the time.

By definition "Muscle memory has been used synonymously with motor learning, which is a form of procedural memory that involves consolidating a specific motor task into memory through repetition. When a movement is repeated over time, a long-term muscle memory is created for that task, eventually allowing it to be performed without conscious effort. This process decreases the need for attention and creates maximum efficiency within the motor and memory systems" (from Wikipedia)

Why am I bringing this up? It has been a long time since I consistently went to a yoga class. Way too long in my opinion. Can't even remember the last time. With my gift certificate I have taken 3 or 4 hot yoga classes this month. The first and second time I couldn't even remotely do a wheel or plow. Things I used to be able to do easily. Tonight was a different story. I dug deep and did both with ease while dripping with sweat.  Neither of my poses look as good as below (from Yoga Journal online).
Wheel                                                               Plow                           

Funny how our bodies remember to do. Unfortunately this is the only good thing going well this month. Other exercise and food choices have been rough going.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Food While Away

My weekend away was great with a few minor exceptions. The B&B was nice. Not as much as I expected. I thought it was going to be some quaint place off in the mountains way off the main roads. Turns out the place was right on a main road in the town. The room was nice and clean and well kept. The grounds however could use some picking and perking up. The scrapping room was awesome and well appointed. The food, that deserves a whole paragraph

You ever go on a trip and wish you had more information before you left. I did. The first night (Thursday) dinner was own our own. We choose Mexican. It was traditional Mexican with all the full fatty beans. I had some tummy issues so I barely ate. I think I was fighting off the flu that my boy had earlier in the week. It would have been nice if the person charge would have told us beforehand we were eating Mexican from the same place on Saturday.  Since the place is a Bed and Breakfast, they can only cook breakfast, again I would have love to known this.  Dinner on Friday was Domino's pizza and a Costco salad.  I wish we could have bought from a local joint.  The pizza was horrible.  I barely choked down my piece and it killed my stomach.  Breakfast were a whole different story.  They were beautiful but the variety, richness and flavors were so much more then my poor tummy was used to.  Below was one example - cantaloupe, applesauce yogurt with homemade granola, blueberry poopyseed muffin, maple glazed ham, veggie quiche and white chocolate chip and fruit scone with sugar coated top.  Lunch was on our own on Fri and Sat was a boxed salad (blah!!!).

My stomach and back end were in turmoil the whole trip.  I feel like the bug passed by frienday morning and the rest of the time is was indigestion.  I had to make a trip to Walgreen's to get some tums and the market to buy some mellow foods to calm the system down.  I don't know why I felt so bad.  Was I still fighting the bug?  Or am I used to plainer less variety and cleaner eating?  Did you ever have a trip were you thought the eating would be fantastic and it turns out it wasn't worth the pain or trouble?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Our Love Story

Yesterday I read Kaycie’s Love story and I thought I would share mine. The love has been strong around here. I will try to share pictures but I also respect hubby’s right to privacy.
1. How long have you and your significant other been together?We have been together for 13 and known each other for about 17 years.
Our 10 year Anniversary celebration

2. How did you meet? {What's your "love" story?}Ours is not a typical love story. You know the one where we meet and instantly fall in love. Combine one very shy and socially awkward man with one hurt baggage carrying lady and you can see it takes some time and serious armor shrinking.  We were both part of a large social group of friends.  He was an old timer in the group and I was a newcomer.  He was interested in me from the start but I was resistant.  It wasn’t until a few years later where he finally showed his authentic self did I allow my armor to come down.

3. How long have you been married?In April we will be married for 11 years.

4. Where did you get married at? Big or small wedding?
What defines big or small? I guess I would choose medium. We tied the knot on a nearly 90 year old yacht cruising Newport Beach harbor. The yacht is beautiful, full of teak wood and details. We had 106 guests join us for a cocktail party (open bar). Not a full meal and no sit down. It was crowded and fun. We never lived together beforehand and at the time we lived 250 miles apart. We married in April and I didn’t move in with him until late August.

5. Do you have any nick-names that you call one another? Do share!“Hun, Babe, Pain in my A**”. Almost never call him by his real name.

6. Name 3 things you love most about your honey.1. He is an excellent daddy and husband
2. He knows me deep down to my core and is able to muck through all my BS
3. He believes in marriage and love

7. Tell us how he proposed? One year later we met at the same location of our first date. It’s one of those places with a movie theater, shops and tons of restaurants. I was sitting at the fountain where I had waited the year before. He came up and pretended to be tying his shoe. He said, “While I am down here ….” and went into his proposal. I don’t remember the exact words. Afterwards we went out to a nice diner.

8. Is he a flowers and teddy bear kind of guy for v-day, or strawberries, champagne, and rose petals?None of the above. His philosophy is that you don’t need a certain day to show your love.  In fact just a few mins ago he asked what I was writing.  Me – Our love story for my blog.  Him – oh yeah it’s valentines day, what did you get me.  Me- My undying love and respect and GS cookies.  Him – me too but no cookies.

9. Are you a sunset dinner on the beach kind of girl, or pop a movie in and relax on the couch?Our MO now is relax on the couch and watch shows so I like when things are out of the norm. Like a night where we just talk all night or play games.  Date nights are great too.  Honestly I love when we can spend some time ALONE.  It is such a rare occurrence.  Going shopping at Costco alone is perfection.  The kids add a tangible tension to our relationship at times. 

10. Tell us one thing you'd like to do with your significant one day. If you could do anything? Go anywhere?Dreaming – all inclusive trip to some tropical place.

11. Tell us what you plan on doing on this Valentine's Day. Refer to #8.  With 2 kids and no family to watch them its an easy answer. Nothing. We will spend today together. Why do you want to fight the craziness. If the budget allows I will ask him if we want to plan a date night.

12. Are you asking for anything this Valentine's day?I just received an awesome gift of a weekend away. What more can I ask for.

13. Give us one piece of advice of keeping a relationship strong and full of love. Communication. The number one sign of distress in our marriage is when the communication breaks down. You have to be able to communicate your needs and wants and issues.

14.  Show us a picture of what love means to you.


Friday, February 10, 2012

24 Hours

This is officially the longest time I have been away from my almost 3 year old. This trip is a bucket list item. I've heard about this scrap booking b&b in the mountains for years. I've finally got a chance to go. I have been scrap booking on and off for years. I get to be away from home with a friend Thursday to Sunday. I do miss my boys.

The food so far has been great but not out of control. Last night we went out to Mexican. The food was good but I ate very little since I was having some tummy issues. I've been having snacks but not over eating. There was Apple pie (see pic). Breakfast was awesome - small muffin, herb and cheese eggs, candied bacon, fruit, cold Muesli with apples, and Swedish pancakes with boysenberry syrup. Seems like a ton but the portions were nice a small. I skipped the muffin. Seriously who candies bacon. Is was yummy.

Side note - both hubby and I lost weight, inches, and body fat with the weight competition. Hubby lost 13 pounds and is down to 17% body fat. We have 5 more weeks to go.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Weekly weigh in 2/8/12

Weight = 199.8
Loss = +0.4
Total loss = -32.2
Emotion = Resolved and Purged

I'm a day late. Tummy sickness hit the toddler on the middle of Monday night. I had zero sleep and was in no mood to step on the scale. The other issue was that on Monday night I had a great emotional purging with hubby, aka fight and resolution. It was an exhaustive process full of tears and some yelling. All is good now but the the big picture is that I need outside help.  Weather in the form of talking or a pill or a little of both.

Post race life is not where it should be. I haven't followed an exercise program yet. Lasy day I exercised was Sunday. I've had no desire to do it. Honestly I am enjoying the break. Food wise is sporadic otherwise known as not in control. Between the post race eating, bunco night, big kid party, my parents visit, my friend making loads of homemade bread and Superbowl I have indulged way too many times to have a good weight loss.

Right now hubby and I are on our way to do a midway weight check for the competition. I am fairly sure I will show a loss but not a big one. My resolve is that after this weekend it game on time

Monday, February 6, 2012

February Goals

I drafted this post last week but with the Jan review and race racap I didn't get a chance to post.

February Goals
Goal target 195.  I actually adjusted this one upwards.  My post race eating has yet to get back on track.  Too much crap this past week. 

Start hot yoga classes. I attended my first yesterday and I am sore and beat today.  Hubby bought me a Groupon for the a new local studio. The Groupon was super cheap so several friends joined up too. Kettlebells at least two times a week.  Lastly at least one if not 2 walks or hikes in the week.  No more than 2 days between workouts.  Ideally I really only want one break day a week.

Continue to work on office. It's gonna take some time. Finish Christmas scrapbook. Purge and organize scrapbooking supplies, etc. Purge and organize school and art supplies. Continue to meal plan and start adding in new foods.

The HOWs
  • Limit my computer time with a timer.  I lose track of time too much.  What I think was 15 min is usually an hour or more.
  • Schedule my exercise and DO IT
  • No more food cheating.  This next weekend is my scrapbook retreat and I have 0 control of the food choices.  I will have to focus on portion control.
  • Schedule my organization session.  The timer thing worked for me.  Total focus on the task for a set amount of time.
  • Add more veggies and fruit.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Race Recap–Tinker Bell Half Marathon 1/29/12

On Saturday I was a bundle of hot nerves ready to explode.  It was a combination of race nerves and too much to do in too little time.  Hubby asked kindly if I could get the floors mopped.  Our entire downstairs I covered in Laminate wood that was super fuzzy and filthy.  He was having a friend over on race day and wanted a cleaner house.  I also had to pack for the night over, have my weight group meeting and some grocery shopping.  I am so happy my friend I decided to stay overnight near the race.  being away from the home and kids allowed me to decompress and prepare.  We live about 30 min away but with an early start time (5:45 am) and parking nightmares a hotel stay over was an excellent choice.  Plus our corral was right across from the hotel (bonus).

The night before we went to dinner and it seemed that everywhere we went we ran into other racers.  It was fun chatting with people about the race.  I slept ok the night before.  We set our alarm for 4am and luckily the hotel provided a continental breakfast and the opened in 2.5 hours earlier for us racers.  We were in the last corral.  Probably just under the banner line in the way way back of the picture below.  I think there was about 10,000 racers.

startPicture sourced from Run Disney Facebook page

It is hard to put into words how the race was.  I will try.  I have to say Disney does a great job.  I saw almost every character was out there.  I didn’t stop anywhere but it was cute to see.  I loved the cheer, dance and band squads scattered throughout the race and the occasional music locations too.  The Read Hats ladies were super cute/  We even had some Marines and a Marine rock band.  There was a ton of turns in the race which apparently for the serious runners that is an issue.  It didn’t bother me at all.  I was very focused once I crossed the start line.  I put my headphones on and went.  It was weird that I really didn’t need my music (normally I do).  I was barely listening to it.  I did intervals of running and fast walking.  No set system, just ran when I could and wanted to.  I get an eye on my watch.  I ultimately wanted to come in at 3 hours even though I did not train at that pace.  I hit 12 miles around 2:50 so I knew trying to make 1.1 miles in 10 min would be hard and too much so I did what I could.  I was a mere 4 min over my actual goal.  It was a goal I really didn’t tell anyone about.

Recovery was fine.  Stairs were painful on Sun and Mon.  The weird thing is that I have been super tired and very moody.  Everything is irritating me.  Don’t know if its related.  I might have spoiled myself by choosing Disney as my first race.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

January in Review

Bye to January 2012, Hello February.
Start of Jan = 204.8
End of Jan = 199.4
Total Loss = -5.4 pounds

View my original Goals here.
Weight - Goal 199 pounds.  Technically met this one. I was 199.4 so if you round down I made it.

1/2 Marathon - Goal - finish in 3 hrs and 30 min.  I finished the marathon faster than my stated goal. To be honest my secret goal was to do it in 3 hours.  The night before I shared this with my friend.  For some reason I thought that would be a 15 min/mile but no the night before I discovered in order to meet my 3 hour mark I would have to keep a 13.7 min/ mile pace.  Big difference.

Life goals
Meal Planning
I am really proud of this one. I'd say we ate dinner at the table probably 25 nights. Not 100% before 6pm but still at the table.  Not every night was a family meal, sometimes I had to pull out the old kid favorites like pizza or chicken dinos, while I ate something on plan or leftovers. Regardless of this we still sat at the table without distractions. Even my toddler has gotten into the habit of asking about our days at the table.

Technically we don't have an office (a room with doors) but we have a location on our main floor that serves as office space.  It is technically the family room.  Both hubby and I have been purging the office. Below is the before photos. It's not a pretty sight. I cleaned off all the tops. Purged a bunch of items and dusted everywhere. Hubby worked on scanning files and shredding. 
My LEGO project will be done today. This project requires the help of my almost 8 year old. He uses every molecule in his body to avoid this.  Son and I came to a compromise.  He will still have a bin with scattered LEGO pieces alongside of his organised system.  It is also a difficult task to accomplish with a nearly 3 year old wanting to be a part of the action.  This will probably be an ongoing item but by end of day today the system will be in place.

I honestly think this is the first month I met all my set goals.  How did you do?

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Weekly Weight In 1/31/12

Weight = 199.4
Loss = –0.4
Total = –32.6
Emotion = happy recovery

I am happy about my weight.  I know it not a great downward loss but considering all the half marathon stuff and to be honest race eating, I am thrilled with the number.  You should have seen the meal I ate before and after the race.  Night before I had a CPK Tostada pizza and 1/2 order of potstickers.  I ate all but one slice of pizza.  On race day, right after I had a banana and bagel, then about 2 hours after a big breakfast – bacon, cheese and avocado omelet, home fries, English muffin, OJ, and some French toast.  It was a seriously loaded breakfast with all the trimmings.  I knew I wouldn’t be having a breakfast like that in a long time.

Now is the time for me to shift focus and plan out.  Now that the marathon is done I will no longer be doing distance and time training.  Honestly I am happy to be done with that.  It took so much time.  Not to mention I am getting squishy from lack of resistance training.  Right now my ideal week would be – a yoga class, 2 to 3 kettlebell workouts, a hike, and / or running.  I want to run a full 5k non stop.  I have to think about the timing, when and where.

On the food front  - Our (hubs and I) fitness competition ends in 6 weeks.  It’s only 6 weeks.  I can buckle down and make bigger changes to my diet since I am no longer marathon training.  I need to plan out this one to but I think the biggest change I can make is toss the bread out and bump up the veggies big time.

How was your week?

Monday, January 30, 2012

I Earned my Wings

I completed my first half Marathon yesterday.  13.1 miles straight, non stop at the Inaugural Tinkerbelle half Marathon at Disneyland


It’s 5 am Sunday morning.  What were you doing.  I’m ready to go


My stats.  I did a 13:55 min mile pace for the total race.


Me and my medal.  Sorry for the bad pic.  I took it myself with my phone.  More later.  I am in recovery and recoup mode.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

That Dark Place

I feel like I can't celebrate my weight loss until I get below my low of 185.

I feel like a fraud celebrating finishing a half marathon this Sunday because I'm not running the whole race.

Logically I know this is ridiculous but deep down inside there is something that refuses to allow the celebration. Why do I persistently discount my accomplishments? Why does that deep down black part of me constantly scream "not enough"?

That same black place leads me to question the genuine feelings or compliments from others. I question their intents. The other night big boy wrote a note to daddy. It was a sweet note. Hubby read it and thought it was cool. In my head I'm thinking "no your just saying that, your not happy with the kids". Talk about being in a dark place and this all in my head. Hubby had no indication I was thinking this nor did he show any signs of not be genuinely happy about the latter.  My dark place also makes me believe that I am being judged by others all the time.  I also go so far as to put a voice to what I think they are saying about me.  I read between the lines when there is actually no lines to read between.  I don't believe a person when they truly say something positive about me.

I recognise this dark place.  I desire some light to be shed into the depths.  I want to come out of the dark.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Weekly Weigh In 1/24/2012

Weight = 199.8 yeah ONEderland
Loss = -2.2
Total Loss = -32.2
Emotion = fighting

Why fighting?  I am fighting cravings.  I am fighting exercise.  I am fighting my attitude.
Rain rain go away, come again some other day. Don't get me wrong I live cold rainy weather but it makes me want to stay home and be lazy. The last 2 says I holed up at home. I've been getting stuff done but I haven't exercised in 3 days. Today we have our last big walk before the race. I plan another walk on wednesday and Friday. Race day is sunday. I know I will be a nervous wreck on Saturday. The race starts at 545 am. Yikes.

Last Thursday was eventful. I left my full wallet on either the Target register counter or in the cart (not likely). I was a bit distracted by a certain toddler. I didn't realize it was gone for a few hours. Later in the evening after tearing up the house I decided to start calling my banks. Found out my ATM card was used at a local gas station down the street from target. The lovely person got away with about $100 cash, all my cards and DL, my receipts for stuff I have to return, and a $50 movie gift card.

Food wise I am still working on portions, reducing the sugar, drink more decaf no sugar tea, and avoiding the starchy carbs like rice, potatoes, and most breads. I have been eating 40 calorie bread. I splurged on Friday night and Saturday night.  I would probably be lower if I hadn't.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

What I learned This Week

I’m back  I opened Blogger this morning to a disabled Google account.  The screen said I might have violated something.  I was completely blocked from my blog.  I have no idea why.  I sent an email to customer service and 12 hours later received a generic response “We apologize for any inconvenience you may have experienced. The issue you described should now be resolved.”  Ok moving on.  I thought it might be fun to review my week and reflect on what I learned.

  • "Brown rice spaghetti noodles are fantastic.  I picked mine up at Target.
  • My child can print neat when he wants to
  • I like running, after the half marathon I want to run a full 5k.  I am not running the half, just some running intervals.
  • I would love to find a way to get away with my hubby alone with no kids.  Not sure how that will ever happen
  • Week 2 of the weight loss support group I formed is going really well.  We have a few who haven’t joined us yet.  I hope they will soon.
  • When he wants to, my hubby knows how to bring me back to reality when I am wound up tight and ready to explode
  • 1 hour of uninterrupted office DE-cluttering is a LONG time
  • Having my husband work for 4 and half 13+ hour days, then golfing a full day, oh and beer brewing a full day, sucks big time.
  • I will reach all my January goals, I will, I will, I will
  • I love Bellini's or at least the ones in the bottle my neighbor and shared
  • I did jump into ONEderland so weight in day (Tue) will be great

How was your “previous” week?  I don’t know if I am odd here but to me my week begins on Monday.