Friday, September 30, 2011

Still Here

I am still here.  Sorry I haven’t blogged in a few days.  Busy and Beat.  I am sure there is a few more B words to describe my week.  Bitchy, sure!

I overwhelmed by the To Do and the haven't dones.  Looking forward to a quieter weekend ahead to chunk some items off my list.

Weight is not moving.  Exercise is increasing.  Food, well the weight is not moving because of the food.

I found an overeater’s anonymous meeting, now I just need to get to it.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Get Real People

Lately I’ve been watching Drop Dead Dive.  I netflixed (yes it’s a verb in my world) the first seasons and then watched the most recent.  Premise is a young model dies and her soul is placed in a plus sized lawyers body.

The writers have made a big mistake.  In the beginning the star showed dismay over her fat clothes wardrobe, how to have sex in her new body, etc.  It was great dramedy (comedy and drama).  Now its ridiculous.  No more fat girl issues, no esteem problems, etc.  She just acts like the model and talks about clothes as if she had a choice.  The star was traveling to Italy with no luggage “Why pack when Prada is there”.  Um, no way in HELL could this fat girl fit into Prada.  Sorry, even a Prada XL (if they have it) is a medium at WalMart.  Let’s be realistic here, no way could a fat person go to Italy and buy off the rack.  It would be so difficult to find clothes.  I am under 200, muscular and I have a HARD time finding clothes in FAT America.  I am right on the plus size border and us fat ladies out there know there is so few plus size choices.

On the plus size note, I was looking at a yoga line’s online catalog.  I clicked on the the Plus size tab for pants.  The plus size went to XL (12-14).  That was their highest size, are you kidding me.  I probably wouldn’t fit into that.  That is their definition of Plus Size, seriously deluded!

P.S.  I missed my weigh in today.  I will check tomorrow am.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Menu Planning Monday

Well I actually did this on Sunday and did all the shopping.  I don’t set my menu for a certain day.  I pick 5 to 6 meals and then choose what to make in the morning.  With the way our life works I have to be flexible.  For example yesterday was eggplant Parmesan sandwiches.  I made mine and then waited for hubby’s “on way home” call.  The call became “I’ll be late” and turned into him getting home at 1am (19 hour day).  So I will make them again tonight.  Shift in plans.

Meal 1- Eggplant Parmesan sammie. – Hubby wanted to have the tradition breaded and fired type.  We usually bake or roast our eggplant.  I had mine last night, heavy and make me sick on the throne later.

Meal 2 – Pepper steak.  Rocco’s Now Eat This cookbook has a fantastic pepper steak on page 139.  This was our introduction to Anaheim peppers (yum) now in our garden (so tiny).  We use Tri Tip we get on sale and trim the fat.  Its cheaper.  The calorie count is 326.

Meal 3 – Carnitas.  First time making carnitas in the crock pot.  I bought corn tortillas for this one.  Wish me luck.

Meal 4 – Eggplant Lasagna

Meal 5 – Chicken in mustard sauce.  Basically a breast with a Dijon sauce.  easy.

Meal 6 – Chicken Ka-bobs with veggies.  Use those garden veggies.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Can’t Think of a Good Title

Calm Sunday around here, no plans.  Working on the house, laundry and planning out the week.  I haven’t done any menu planning in too long, time to work on it.  We have a ton of tomatoes and eggplants so I will center my menu around the garden bounty.

MWF walk training, I want to be over 3 miles by the end of the week?
T and TH – Kettlebell Bootcamp

New Food Love
Ok, so not technically a food but I have a new love thanks to my local Trader Joes.  You can find these in the juice section for $2.99 I think.


Directions are to add 1 packet to 16.9 oz bottled water.  Honesty that is a strong mix.  I usually do 1 packet to about 30 oz of water.  Its a light flavoring to my boring water.  I sometimes mix the lemonade with Ice tea to make an Arnold Palmer.IMG_3652

1 packet is only 15 calories and I use only 1 a day.  It is sweetened with Stevia and a slight amount of cane solids.  No artificial crapola (hence the love).  Yummy.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Perfect Illustration of Why - Repost

Originally Posted on 10.23.10.  With my current gain I have nothing to wear.  Well I have clothes but I am uncomfortable in them or they are too small.  I tossed all my fat clothes.  I hate the feeling.  I am not into vanity numbers.  I don't strive to be an 8.  I just desire choice.  Choice to go into any store. Choice to pick off the rack.  Choice to go up or down in a size.  Right now I still don't have that choice.  Where will I have to be in weight to have choice.  170?  The big belly and boobs make it difficult.

This is why I don't use my clothes or a particular size as an indicator of success.  I use the scale (yuck, I know) and my measurements.  Granted this is for men's pants but I imagine the discrepancy in women's pants is even crazier.  Imagine Old Navy is a full 5 inches bigger.  5 inches is a lot of extra poundage on the midsection.

I am happy to no longer be in the "women's" or "plus" section.  I look forward to the day when even more options are open to me.  I am on the border still between Plus and Regular sizing.  With the large chest I still have to reach for XL or XXL to cover up the ladies.  Otherwise I could give a crap about the size of the clothes I am wearing.

Friday, September 23, 2011

5? Fri 9/23/11


1. Dream job...realistic and completely unrealistic.
Owner of a spa.  But not just a spa.  A place of overall well being.  Even as the owner I would partake in the services and classes provided.

2. Do you fart in front of your significant other?
Really do I have to answer.  Fine.  Modesty doesn’t exist in my house and the includes gaseous matters.

3. What's the furthest you've ever traveled from home? How far and where was it?
By car, by plane?  California to Jamaica for my honeymoon  is probably the farthest I have traveled.

4. How do you celebrate birthday for your kids? Family only or friends? ... Alternate for those without kiddos: How did you celebrate birthdays as a kid?
With our closest family being 350 miles away parties are with the kids friends or no party at all and just dinner out with the family.  We don’t go big ever year.  In fact the toddler (2.5) hasn’t had a party yet.  I feel bad about that. Last year for the big kid we went to a BMX dirt track, the boys rode and we had pizza and cake.  We oh course overbought on the pizza.  I always overbuy food.  Sometimes its a park play date or a bounce place or laser tag.  I have 2 winter birthdays so it sometimes hard to mange with the weather.

5. Fave thing about fall?
It cooler but still sunny.  Slightly brisk but not cold, no rain.  Love the weather.

Haven’t had time or motivation or spark to write on my blog.  My 7 yo is getting a new teacher 3 weeks into shcool so I helped her set up her classroom along with a few other moms.  I am sore today from boot camp on Thursday (been a week).

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Weekly Weigh In 9/20/11

Weight = 199.2
Loss = +1.4

Public omission – I am having a difficult time.  It not just with my weight loss.  It is affecting many aspects of my life.  My anxiety is at an all time high.  My binge issues are escalated.  I am unable to keep control on my food choices.  The things that usually make me happy / calm are not working.

Hubby and I had a big blow out last week that resulted in a long discussion about me and how I am doing.  Which is not good.  The summary was I want / need to seek help.

A few days ago I sought the advice of a well informed friend.  I let it all out, told her my troubles.  That was HARD in itself.  I struggle with admitting I need help.  My wonderful friend suggested starting with Overeaters Anonymous.  OA might will help with the food issue but may result in some anxiety help too considering the first step is to give up control.  In addition, OA is free.  Today was a binge example.  PTA volunteer social with mini doughnuts, fruit, bagels, and pastries.  I didn’t eat breakfast (mistake 1).  My multiple trips to the table resulted in – 4 mini wheat bagels with light cream cheese, some grapes, multiple mini doughnuts (rough guess 10 +).  Why didn’t I stop with the 1 bagel and 2 donuts.  Why did I continue to go back and continue to eat.

Another major issue in my house is the discord in child rearing / discipline.  My husband is equally involved in the child rearing, not hands off like many dads.  Problem is we are not on the same page and my anxiety is causing problems with discipline.  I am worry if we are doing the right thing, worry about how the NOW will affect them in the FUTURE, I worry to the point of doubt and no action.

Today was another example of my anxiety getting the best of me.  Park play date, toddler was doing something I needed to change, I corrected him from a distance.  Another mom near me said basically to rest of group “its funny to know I am not the only one who barks at their kids, we all have our breaking points”.  I wasn’t barking at him and I was offended and felt like I was being judged.  I felt uncomfortable.

Monday, September 19, 2011

My Space

I did it.  I created my own space.  I decided to call it my space instead of a Vision Board.  It’s so much more than a vision board.  It is MY PLACE.  No one can put crap on it or touch it.  It is a place I can look at, touch and BREATH.


i started with removing all the crap.  There is crap everywhere that I am working on (now that I have more time).  First I purchased a Scentsy wickless candle burner and some scents.   I wanted a nice piece of fabric to cover the dresser top.  I picked the fabric up at Jo-anns and the fake orchids (both on sale).  I would love to have a real orchid but I have too many “live” things to “properly” care for and right now I can’t add another.  The pictures are from one of favorite place to buy sports bras Title 9.  I haven't bought clothes from there yet but I hope too someday.  Even thought they have XL, I still feel like I am too big and I will be majorly disappointed.  Plus most of the styles are not for the well endowed like myself. 

It’s a work in progress, isn’t everything these days.  I want to add some old pics, some quotes, etc.  

In a house of 2 young boys and a husband it is hard to have a space to myself.  Our house is modest but it is a home and I am thankful.  I tried to avoid getting the rest of my Master bedroom in the picture.  The room needs major work.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

My Past Attmpts p.s - repost

Originally posed on 8/30/2010.

Part  2 of of my personal review of where I have been before.  Part one can be found here.

I have "Dieting" more times that I can count or even remember.  I tried, fail and tried again only to fail again. 

At some point, don't know when, I hopped on board a program my dad created.  He created an Excel files to track his calories, etc.  I not sure how you would classify how we were eating but best guess would be Zone style.

Around 2002 my husband and I tried Body for Life. We really enjoyed working out together and the eating program was ok, but strict. I honestly can't remember how long I did it or if I lost weight. I remember my body changing but that is so typical of me. Even with 60 or more extra pounds on me I can completely change my shape (for the good) and not lose a single pound. So frustrating.  There is that theme again - it's all about the food.

At the time of my 30th birthday (2003) and after a 1 1/2 years of trying for number 1 kid I went to Lindora.  Lindora is an extreme program.  Super low crab ketosis state program.  I was successful, when I did it.  I think there is where I got down to about 192 (maybe a 12 pound loss) and the I also miraculously got pregnant with no help.  Do I believe the weight loss, helped me get pregnant, absolutely.

When I finally discovered that I have PCOS I started seeing an endocrinologist on a regular basis.  She prescribed Metaformin which helps regulate insulin in my body.  She also recommended following the 3rd phase of the South Beach Diet.  I think I did this one maybe 3 different times and stopped.  I continue to take the metaformin and Dr. said it is my choice of when to stop.  I might dose down in about 20 more pounds and then off completely when I hit my goal.

One of my more successful times was under the care of an infertility specialist to get kid number 2 after 2 miscarriages and 3 years of trying.  His diet prescription was - no sugar, no dairy, soft cheese, green veggies, nuts, lean protein and no starch.  Hello, low carb.  I lost about 15 pounds quickly and even during my first trimester of pregnancy . Got pregnant on the first IUI -Clomid try.  In addition, my highest pregnancy weight never went above my high of 232.

I also remember owning books like "Stop the Insanity" and "Dr. Phil's Weight Loss Revolution" and "The Zone."

The scary thing is I don't think this list included everything I have tried and I am only 37 years old.

Friday, September 16, 2011

5? Fri 9/16/11

1. If you had a weekly newspaper column, what would you name it?
Welcome to the Jungle

2. Who is your mentor/inspiration?
Yikes, this is hard for me.  No time to pick a person but anyone who does IT with grace and ease.

3. What is your wake up beverage of choice?
Teavana Earl Grey Creme with German rock sugar and milk almost daily.  I don’t drink coffee or soda so this is my only caffeine for the day.

4. Would you wear your mom's clothes?
I did when I was younger.  I wasn’t very hip as a kid.  Today I more “with it” than mom.  She wears mommy jeans, light wash and tees. 

5. When you were a kid, did you put posters on your wall? If so, what were they of?
Yes I did.  The usually Teen Beat etc boys.  I am a chameleon so my tastes changed often and still do.  I can’t remember obsessing over one specific person.  Just imagine the 80’s teen throb of the time.
I haven’t had time to BREATH this week.  Still struggling with school schedule and HOMEWORK hell.  More later when I get a chance.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Weekly Weigh In 9/13/11 – a Day Late

Weight = 197.8
Loss  = –1.4

Sorry I am a day late and have been out of touch.  We are still adjusting to the school schedule and homework.  The homework has been a battle royal around here.  I have been working on getting back in the exercise routine too.  Just got home from a 2.5 fast walk.  My friend and I are working on our pacing.   We walked about a 17 min mile. 

I think one of the biggest misconception I am suffering from right now is that weight gained will come off quick.  Wrong.  It will take just a long as it normally does.

Yesterday I had my checkup with my Endocrinologist.  I see one on a regular basis for my PCOS.  News was great.  My weight was up but all the internal numbers were fantastic considering I showed a 10 pound gain.  Usually the opposite happens.  My cholesterol was 199.  I won’t bore you with the details.

I feel my weight gain everywhere.  So uncomfortable especially in my outside clothes.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

10 Years and a Lifetime Later

I am sitting here today snuggling with a squishy 2 year old, next to a handsome 7 year old playing video game reflecting on September 11, 2001. 

In 2001 I was a newlywed in a new town and new job light years away from my previous life.  Less than 2 months before I moved from suburban Orange Country (The OC) to a border town in the hot desert mere miles from Mexico.  Less then 2 weeks before I accepted a position as a middle school science teacher for 7th and 8th grade.  My prior career was an analytical Chemist for a major pharmaceutical company.  I had no previous teacher experience or training.  Talk about crazy.

Being 3 hours behind, by the time I reached school many of the events on the East Coast had already unfolded without my knowledge.  I heard some water cooler talk about stuff happened but was still unaware of the complete tragedy and attack unfolding on our country.

I enter my classroom and turned on the TV.  Our TV had few channels but one of the happened to be CNN.  Once I realized what was truly happening I call my hubby and woke him up.  At the time he was a US Boarder Patrol agent.  Like most of the US I was glued to the TV but at some point our principal requested a return to “normal” activity and the TV’s off.  I had to keep myself together considering I had to be in front of over 180 11 to 13 year olds fro the rest of the day. 

Flash forward to yesterday.  A day where I went with my 2 beautiful sons to our cities Patriot Day celebration.  My son in his Boy Scout uniform and me beaming with pride as tears streamed down my face.  The celebration / memorial included bag pipes, a USMC battalion, tanks and truck for the kids to explore, a USMC family who lost their son a few months ago, a 21 gun salute, etc.  My hubby was at work, work where he is a first responder.  He is among the brotherhood of men and women who ran into those buildings, who provided control among the chaos.

I am proud to be an American, proud of my husband and happy to have the life I am blessed to have.

Friday, September 9, 2011

5? Fri 9/9/11

1. What ringtone do you have on your cell phone?
Dinosaur cell phone.  I just use whatever is on the phone.  Something I will hear.  My texts are a Choo Choo sound.

2. What is your favorite memory from this summer?
Watching my toddler take to the pool like a fish to water.  With no lessons he can basically swim, dive and return from the bottom, jump in and pull himself out from the side of the pool.  I also loved watching my big little man blossom into a young man with how he plays with friends and how he explores his independence.

3. Paper books or ebooks?
New to e-books and love paper books.  Riding the fence.  Love my Nook and the bonuses it has like clicking on a word and getting the definition.  I am reading more with the Nook.

4. If you could have one home upgrade what would it be and why?
Only one?  My master bathroom.

5. When was your first serious boyfriend/girlfriend?
Way too early.  9th grade.  Mike.  Who was 4 year older than me.  Bad idea.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Good Start of My Day

2nd day of 2nd grade.  My weight is already down 2 pounds.  A good amount of the weight I showed on Tuesday was water weight from the trip, etc.

Today was training day one for my half marathon in Jan 2012.  I am training with a friend.  Our fitness levels are different but I am sure we will sync up soon.  We used Runkeeper on the iPhone.  I think its off a bit, clearly we didn’t walk in water.  The path around the lake is 1.1 miles and we did it 2 times plus the walk down there.  This my friend’s first walk in awhile so we kept it easy.


I need to write a vacay recap.  I am happy to be back on schedule and schools back in.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Goal Reward

Clearly I need a kick in the pants.  I am back to tracking my food and watching my water and portion size.  I am not counting calories, just a basic write down everything that goes in my mouth.

When I reach 185 pounds (my lowest ever) I will buy myself 2 dresses from Title 9.  I am not sure of their sizing, probably on the smaller size.  I drool over their catalog when I get it and love their sports bra selection but have been too chicken to buy the clothes.

Here they are:

2 1

Now that I am thinner I enjoy wearing dresses.  Problem is a lot of dress are not cut for the well endowed.  They usually hit me mid boob or make me look pregnant.  I need something cut near the waist.  Since I want these for winter I will also have to buy some boots too (I have none).

Example of a dress I would LOVE to own but I guarantee the ladies won’t fit or I will look like I am trying to expose myself to the world.


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Weekly Weigh In 9/6/11 – Day 1

Weight = 199.2
Loss = +4.4

Why day 1?  It’s a new day to get this train back on track. 

Didn’t have time to write today.  Last min stuff for school starting on Wed and catching up from being out of town for 10 days. 

More later.  The weight is plain gross but it will change in the right direction.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

“Emancipate Yourself From mental slavery” - repost

Originally posted on June 12, 2010.  I still feel uncomfortable when I receive attention from men.  Usually it’s only much older, creepier men so it’s easy to brush off.  I not sure how I will do when it I am lighter and the men are closer to my age.  I have learned to say Thank you to comments and not dismiss them.

Awhile ago I mentioned here that I dislike attention / comments from men.  I said would elaborate later but I have a hard time putting my feeling about it into words.  Well just the other day I read a section of a book that really put it in perspective for me.  I am reading this book.

I will paraphrase some of the things she wrote.  But while I was reading it more than once I put the book down with an ah ha moment.  This is on page 117 and the title is "Attention is Scary" in the chapter "Reclaiming Your Life".

Many overweight people tell me they use their excess fat to insulate themselves from others...  There are many reasons for protecting oneself this way.  For some the fatty layer is a form of protection against abuse, shyness and unhappiness.  For other's, its more of an awareness of the affliction they suffer with, being overweight ... If you have demons that make you want to hide from the world under a layer of fat .. then you have to learn to deal with those issues in a different way.  Bob Marley once said "emancipate yourself from mental slavery".... If you are uncomfortable with sexual attention, do not fear.  Although your new, leaner self will ... make you feel more attractive, you don't have to attract sexual attention unless you want it.  The way people perceive you depends on the way you present yourself.
Let's just say in my very very long ago past I didn't deal well with sexual attention, too involved, too young.  Then I started gaining weight and I spent a good part of 5 years single with out any prospects.  My esteem about this was in the crapper for sure.  Then I met the wrong guy and spent the better part of 3 years sort of being with that wrong guy.  Luckily, I broke away from the wrong guy, sought therapy and worked on some issues and gave my heart and soul to the right guy (11 years ago and still going).  The point of this is that it has been 15 years or more where I had attention from the opposite sex.  It makes me uncomfortable (former shy girl) and I don't know how to deal with it.  I am still shy with Mr. and I sometimes get silly and giggle.  I think it's the thought of "really someone is attracted to me."  I have very cute friends who to this day get attention all the time (despite the ring) but they have been dealing with it for so long they have the armor to do so.  To sum it up, other than Mr. I seriously haven't been hit on in like 15 years or more.  It's totally foreign to me.  Hell, I might not even recognize it.  So I partially agree with what Tosca is saying about how you present yourself but I think you also need some tools in your belt on how to deal with the attention regardless if you want it or not.

Friday, September 2, 2011

FMM and Comments

I seen some FMM post here and there.  I figured I would try my own Friend Making Monday post by on a Friday since I am on vacay.  This was originally written on 8/23.  I copied the questions from Spoonful of Me.  The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment (see below) on a couple of other posts.

1) What is the title of the last book you read? I have 3 in progress – Room by Emma Donoghue, Dragonfly in Amber by Diane Gabaldon and 4 hour Body by Tim Ferris.

2) What is the last movie you saw in a theater? The HELP with my book club.  Excellent adaptation of the book.

3) Briefly describe the last person you saw today. The people I see every day, my 2 kids and hubby.  I have plans to meet a friend for a pedicure in an hour.

4) Which store did you most recently shop in? Target – last min trip supplies
5) Who’s the last person you spoke to over the phone?  My neighbor to finalize the Cat sitting details for her kiddos (I pay them).

6) Where’s the last place you vacationed? Navarre FL at in laws in progress

7) When was the last time you kissed someone of the opposite sex? Hubby and 2 year old

8) What’s the last thing that made you laugh? My 7 year old sarcastic attitude – no idea where he gets that from :-)

9) What’s the latest app that you downloaded on your phone? I don’t have an app capable phone

10) What’s the last kind thing you did for someone? I did this and helped a friend pack her house.  She has almost no help with a 4 bedroom house and her husband is 2000 miles away.

Am I the only one the finds comments on blogs tedious and time consuming?  I must be doing something wrong.  I love comments and would love to comment more on all the awesome blogs I read.  I get so frustrated with the process and give up.  Help!!

This is what I do (can it be fixed?).  I open blogger dashboard, click on “View in Google Reader”, scroll thru (and read) all the blogs I follow.  When I see one I have to comment on I go back to the dashboard in Blogger, find and click on the blog (from list), then click on the post, then wait for blog load.  Inside the blog I click on Post a comment.  This is where it gets even worse.  It is blog dependent but this is the worse case.  I write my comment and try to spell correctly (mistakes often) then I have to choose the account, I click on Google account, I click on post comment, blogger shows a screen about xxx doesn’t have access, then I have to log back into blogger and unclick the stay logged in.  Then I get returned to the blog where I have to click post comment.  Next time I go to Blogger (my homepage) I have to log back in and click on the stay logged in.  Seriously this is too much.