Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A Belated Happy Holidays

This is how I spent my Christmas Day. 

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The boys and I went to the beach.  It was gorgeous.  It looks like it was empty, it wasn’t, so many people had the same idea.  The last few days warmed up, I think it was mid 70’s on xmas day.  We tried for a family photo but it didn’t work.  Seriously I don’t have a single family photo in all of 2011.  Resolution for next year, take more family photos.

I choose happiness.  I choose to enjoy my family.  We choose to spend the entire day, just us.  We choose to pull out of other social commitments.  We choose to get soaked by a wave that crashed on the rocks. 

Honestly I am happy to have 2011 come to a close.  Sure my babies are only getting bigger but personally I accomplished very little toward my fitness goals.  Well, not exactly true.  I achieved some big milestones and then let it all got to crap.  More recap later, not the purpose of this post.

My moms recovery is improving.  She will probably be coming down in 2 weeks.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Ba Humbug

The holiday spirit has yet to visit me.  Honestly if weren’t for the kids I probably wouldn’t be doing anything.

My husband works on Sat the 24th and on Monday the 26th. When I say work I mean he is gone by 4:30am and doesn’t come home until after 7:30pm.  I am ultimately thrilled that he has Christmas day off.  He had enough seniority to get it off.  Honestly I am not sure how much worse my mood would get if he didn’t have it off.

Part of my foul mood (a very large part) is that my parents are unable to come down to celebrate with us.  My mom’s last cycle of her cancer meds hit her hard and she isn’t recovering quick enough.  She will never beat this cancer.  The medicine keeps it at bay and has for the past 3 years, thank the heavens, stars or whatever you believe in.  Yes there is a very large 800 pound gorilla always in my room.  Most of the time I choose to swim in Denial that it exists.  This week I haven’t been able to do much swimming.  The gorilla decided to smack me in the face hard and I am still reeling from it.

I am a hot mess.  I have logged over 12 miles already this week, managed a kettlebell session but skipped today.  I am beat from training.  Beat from my emotions.  Beat from lack of sleep.  Beat from the toddlers antics in the middle of the night.  Beat from the toddler antics during the day ;-).  Beat from all the crap I have be shoveing in my mouth.

I am trying here.  I know Yoda says “Do or Do not, there is no try”.  Try is all I can muster at this point.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Weekly Weight in 12/20/11

I can do this

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But I still weigh this

Honest Scale - Funny Pictures

Because of this

Weight = 204.4
Loss Gain = + 3.4

I have been struggling (for too long) with some emotional crap baggage that I am sure is playing a LARGE role in my food choices.  I will be seeking help, when I find time to research the right person.

More later.  Gotta work on the house, kids, crashing from my 8 miler today

Monday, December 19, 2011

Fitting in Exercise

The other day a friend asked how I fit exercise into my life.  The answer is complicated.

  • I don’t belong to a gym
  • I do have a helpful husband with sometimes 4 days off
  • I don’t have family to help
  • I do have a treadmill in my garage but I prefer outside walking
  • I don’t currently pay for any exercise service (no trainer)
  • I have my kids 24/7/365 with some minor exceptions
  • I do have a husband who works 40 hours in 3 days (sat, sun, mon) and occasionally OT days which means he doesn’t exist for 3 days every week.  Luckily he doesn’t travel. 

To start off I have only been successful in the exercise department lately.  My weight, my head and my food choices are completely out of whack.  Other than a few breaks here and there (sick, vacay, etc) exercise is the only thing I have been successful at.  It’s not enough, FOOD is where I need to work.  I have to eat nearly perfectly to affect my weight loss.

As far as exercise concerned and how I manage to do it, the answer is multi layered.  When I was consistently doing kettlebells my trainer would allow me to bring the kids.  My trainer kept them under control and they listen to him perfectly.  Just recently I started kettlebell again with a friend.  I go to her garage at 645am before the family needs me.  It has to be on hubby’s off days.

For now with the walking (half marathon training) it’s complicated. At times I do have to take my 2 year old.  If I keep in constant motion and supply him with snacks he stays in the stroller.  Sometimes he naps in it, which is good and bad.   Other toddler free occasions he is either with my husband, with my friend or with a sitter I pay.  The friend I am training with sometimes doesn’t walk but offers to watch the boys to allow me to walk.  I recently found a younger, yet certified sitter.  She only charges me $5 for both kids.  I can’t do early mornings (before 6am).  I like my alone time in the evening so I don’t go to bed early enough to do early morning.  The time that has been working best is right after school drop off for the 7yo, then I have only 1 kid to deal with, most days.  As the day progresses so do the excuses.

I am a scheduler.  I have a color coded outlook calendar I check often, it has all 4 family members on it.  One trick is that on Sunday I review the week and see where I can fit in my exercise.  Sometimes I even add my exercise to the schedule like this week.

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Sorry my posts have been infrequent.  I am working on fitting it all in and keeping everyone (including myself) happy.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Yeah Baby

Today I did this

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With my new

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I returned my previous 2 pairs.  Went thru Road Runner’s Shoe Dog program to discover I am still a neutral runner and size 7 wide (my fee shrunk).  I was able to get them 20% off but in a size 9.  It is normal to get running shoes at least 1/2 to a full size bigger.  But when you are blessed with wide feet like me that might not be enough.  The 8.5 I felt didn’t have enough room in the toes so I went with the 9.  I have worn them twice for almost 10 miles total with no issues.  They are a minimalist shoe with a 4mm difference between heel and toe.

Monday, December 12, 2011

T.I.M.E

T – Total
I – Investment (in)
M – Myself
E – Equals

SUCCESS

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18.07 miles for last week.

My epiphany of the week is this training takes some major TIME.  The above represents over 5 hours of my week not including drive time and stretching.  The kicker is we haven’t even reached 1/2 of the race distance (13.1) miles.  You can see why I haven’t been posting much, I don’t have enough time.

This week I am working with another friend and adding kettlebells (resistance work) back into the mix.  I committed to 2 days a week at 6:45 am none the less.  Yuck.  I want my resistance training back, I am getting to squishy.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Underneath it All–Part 2

Part 1 is here.

New wicking underwear was an EPIC FAILURE

This is what I did.

imageLet me explain.  I have no hips.  My love handles are wider than my hips and then my waistline goes slightly in from my handles.  My waist and love handles are by far the widest part of my body.  So with all this loveliness, I need my underwear and pants for that matter to sit above my love handles.  Otherwise it won’t stay up and all the love will be hanging out.  Not pretty.  Pic below explain it all.  That is my normal cotton undies.  Keeps all the bits in.

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The new Under Armor underwear rolled under my belly and sat on my pubic bone and double c-section scars.  Nice and comfortable. They also rode up my crack.  They wouldn’t stay put.  When they managed to stay up (briefly), some of my fat would hang out underneath (sorry for the visual).

I am about to chuck the underwear idea and buy some wicking pants and go commando (not a preference of mine).  Heck I might buy the men's running shorts.  You know the ones with the tights underneath looser shorts.  Or maybe I can find some way to make my tush stop sweating.  This is all new to me. 

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Is a $30 pair of plus sixed undies my only option.  That seems crazy to me to spend that much on 1 fricking pair.  I really don’t have time for this but I really need a solution.  13.1 miles is a long way to go with a sweaty tush.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Weekly Weigh In 12/6/11

Weight = 200.6
Loss = –1.8

Next week, back in ONEderland for sure.  It’s funny how slow a weight gain comes off.  Just a hard as it was the first time you tried to lose it.

Review of my week  - I was amazed that I clocked 15 miles last week.  Even though I took a 2 day break after the super long walk last Tuesday.  This week I want to hit closer to 20 miles.  Water is hard to get in.  I have been drinking more tea (it’s cold).  I need more veggies big time.  I am still allowing too many indulgences.

I did have a big boo hoo day.  I was looking for pictures for my 7 year old star student to bring to school.  Boo – there is not a single picture of the 4 of us.  Boo – I am still fat.  Boo – I have been fat for too long.  Boo – I HATE my skin.  That same day I picked myself up and went for a 3.7 mile walk.  Mood changed drastically.

This can be a long, challenging, suck ass but well worth it battle.  It’s not the “I will be thin” that makes it worth it.  It’s the feeling, the accomplishments, the pride, the clothes, the energy, the fun,  and the love of self that makes it worth the long hard battle.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Underneath it All

Let’s talk underwear.  If this is too TMI skip this.  I am simple girl.  Cotton, full brief, Lane Bryant size 14.  Been wearing it for years.  Covers all the bits and stays in place. Since I have been obese for years this is probably the reason for the granny panties.  I will wear a cotton thong for very special occasions but it’s a big ridiculous with all the belly fat hanging out where it shouldn’t.  At the running store the other day I picked up a pair of Under Armor wicking boy shorts in XL for my sweat issues.  I tried them on over my cotton grannies.  Lordy I think the mirror was even laughing at me.

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This is crazy.  I am sweating from 2 areas (seen above) in just a 55 min run / walk.  More walk than run.  What will happen on a 3.5 hours 13.1 mile race.  I did buy the Under Armor XL briefs (not boy) but have yet to try them.  I still have to wash them.

I need to find an solution.  On my nearly 4 mile walk yesterday it was uncomfortable and I often had to “pick my seat” to adjust my comfort.  I can’t be the only one with this problem.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Weekly Weigh In 11/29/11

One day late

Weight = 202.4
Loss = +0.2

I didn't want to write this post.  I didn’t want to admit that I failed to be where I wanted to be (199).  But then again this blog is all about accountability.  So here it is.  It’s not tragic but its not good.  Food is where I failed.  The 10 day cold didn’t help much either.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I Did and I Didn’t

I Didn’t – weight myself this morning. Major lack of sleep and a rough night equals a rough morning. 

I Did – finish week 5 Day 1 of Couch to 10K.  I was running for 2 min 30 seconds for 12 intervals

I Did – This.  A run walk.  See the red for my path.

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I Didn’t – Let my fear get the best of me.  I’ve always wanted to go on this wilderness trail.  As you can see above it’s right next to civilization.  But as you can see below, it’s still wilderness and that was a wide part of the trail.  We live in Mountain Lion Country.  Smart idea – maybe not.  Proud – Hell yes.

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I Did – get a major blister.  I wore my New Balance barefoot shoes.  I think I will return them.  I love them but I don’t think the part that gave me a blister will change.

I Didn’t – Allow my tired grumpy self to find an excuse not to accomplish what I did.

I Did – pat myself on the back.  Today I WAS one of those people I always wanted to be.  I used to be in my car, etc and look at people running and think “that’s cool, I want that to be me”.  It was me.

I Didn’t – Make the best food choices.  Can’t be perfect all day can we Winking smile

What is your Did and Didn’t?

Monday, November 28, 2011

Black Friday Blues

On Black Friday I went to Road Runner Sports to finally buy some new running shoes and maybe some higher end running gear.  I am a firm believer in buying the correct running shoes regardless of price.  I love RR and I love that you can return the shoes (even used) up to 90 days.

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I ended up with 2 completely different shoes (thanks to the return policy).  I want to get into barefoot running and I need a flat shoes for kettlebell training so I went with the New Balance Minimus.  But since my half marathon is a mere 9 weeks away and long distance is not recommend with barefoot shoes and beginners I went with the traditional but very light Brooks Ghost.  I did a 3 mile walk / run with both and so far I love the NB.  I am not sure about the Brooks (possible return).

Onto to some clothes.  I have mentioned before that I look like Humpty Dumpty.  I am not being hard on myself, it’s my reality.  I carry 85% of my weight between my collar bones and hipbones.  I have very little excess weight on my hips, butt, thighs, calves and arms.  I have a man belly.  Seriously I am not exaggerating, it is a man belly for sure.  My love handles are about 2 inches wider than my hips.  Big belly.

I steeled my will and set into the dressing rooms armed with L and XL exercise clothes.  I was able to put everything on but it wasn’t pretty.  I tired some compression capris and shorts.  I didn’t feel enough compression with the XL so I went to the large,  Oh crap when I pulled them over my man belly I pulled the drawstring out.  Great, now I am in the dressing room trying to fish out the drawstring out of the waistband.  Fantastic.  Nothing felt right.

HELP!  Who carries bigger girl but higher quality exercise gear.  I am looking for wicking, compression, non cotton materials (sweat).  I am considering going back and trying the men's shorts.  I want to go to stores because so many online stores charge for return shipping now. 

I just want something that fits, keeps my bits and pieces in, keep the sweat off me and I don’t feel like a sausage in it.

** I have a whole post just dedicated to wicking underwear experience at Road Runner, stay tuned.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Are you Waiting?

Lyn at Escape from Obesity asked her readers “Are you waiting until Jan 1?”

I made a comment on her post but I wanted to expand on it here.

My plan is to weigh less on Jan 1. About 5 to 10 pounds less. With my half marathon at the end of Jan, I better be 5 pounds less by Jan 1.

I feel the holidays are not an excuse to eat without control. If you make the holidays an excuse you can always find excuses in everything. Life is full of excuses so make eating healthy and exercising a regular part of your life. On the other hand I am not opposed to a slice of pie, etc. Just be sensible and don’t overdo. It is easy to spiral out of control.  Which is where I have been for a few months.

For me the mind set of, oh I‘ll restart tomorrow, Monday, next month……. doesn’t work for me.  It just gives me another excuse to eat crap and feel crappy.  Problem is I have been in this mindset for quite a few months.  I know it’s the wrong place to be.

Why does food have to be the thing to make a holiday enjoyable?

Maybe my life makes the holidays easier.  Closest family member is 350 miles and the rest are at least 2000 miles away.  I have no job so less parties, less food situations to deal with.  With hubby's job there is no holiday functions.  Almost none of my friends have social parties, etc.  We might have a small gathering or 2 but no big social events as of yet.  As of right now the only commitment I have that is holiday related is PTA dinner out and my parents will be visiting for Christmas.  The other stuff – book clubs, mom’s nights out (MNO), “Buy Stuff” social – i.e. I will be attending a Tastefully Simple party next week, birthday parties, etc – This is life, this is normal, this is my regular “deal with” stuff.

I ask you you “Are you waiting until Jan 1?”

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving

We are either driving home or relaxing and waiting for the fest.  Eat sensible and use moderation.  Enjoy the time more than the food.  Have a wonderful time.

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Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Weekly Weight In 11/22/11

No weigh in today, I am out of town for the holidays.  My goal is 200 for this week and 199 for next week. 

The cold knocked me on my tush but I kept my weight under control.  I was sick Tues thru Sunday (Writing this on Sat pm so I hope I will be done by tomorrow).  Anytime I started to do more activity (everyday stuff) I would feel worse.  I lost my voice on Friday.

As I said before, being at my parent house is a challenge for me.  The food is the big issue since my mom stocks it with all the treats and yummies that I enjoy.  Since she raised me we have a tendency to enjoy the same food, within reason, go figure.  I am more adventurous than mom, I love sushi and fish, she won’t touch fish period.

Exercise is a challenge too.  One the place is so relaxing and its not my home so I don’t have to sweat all the details - so the last thing I want to do is get up and exercise.  Two – hubby has a tendency to let down his guard too and relax.  He pulls me in like a vortex.  Three – being in the mountains there is no sidewalks or well maintained routes and the elevation is much higher than I am used to at home.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Food Journal Ladder–Repost

I LOVE this info originally posted on 7/25/10.  I am in Level 1 right now.

I found an excellent post about food journals here. I asked the author's permission to use her idea to explain my own feelings about a food journal. I really thought it was an incredible explanation about the process of tracking your food. The first part of this post is http://lowstressweightloss.com/ detailed description with a little editing and the second part is my personal evaluation. I highly recommend visiting the site. It is full of helpful advice.

The Food Journal Ladder :

Level 0 : “Healthy Eating”

At the “Healthy Eating” stage there is no tracking, no real awareness of self-control, just eating what you consider healthy because it’s what you prefer & it’s become habit. Sounds good in theory, but in practice it’s wickedly hard to do — one of those things where the ‘devil is in the details’ – it doesn’t take much to let this slip a bit and then a bit more and then you’re in a cupcake pit UNDER the ladder in the “free for all” eating space…

Level 1 : Eat with the intention of Losing

More than just “healthy eating” this also is a concerted effort to hold back enough volume and food choices so that you achieve a loss. It builds on everything you already know about dieting. Not for beginner dieters. Sort of a more controlled area of ‘intuitive eating’ type of thinking – it’s ‘intuitive dieting’ where you know when you need that spoonful of peanut butter, but you also know to reach for celery or brush your teeth instead of eating at all…

Level 2 : Write it all down

This can be done with various levels of control. You can write it ALL down, or you can write down just the meals that are problematic, just the special event, just the transgressions, just the weekends, etc. At its most basic it’s just an awareness tool to make you aware of choices you make and accountable to reporting them to yourself. Can do pen & paper, or electronic records of many types – Excel, word documents, emails to a buddy, your blog…

Level 3 : Counting

This is the level where you watch a number (or more than one, depending on your diet plan). Calories. Fat. Points. Carbs. Protein. Glycemic Index. Sodium, whatever. You can do it on paper if you have a reference book with the values of your food (and you have a basic idea of serving sizes as a rule of thumb). Today there are lots of good electronic tools too – dedicated software, many good websites (a lot of people use FitDay or LiveStrong’s Daily Plate, or Sparkpeople or iphone aps).

Level 4 : Weigh, measure, count, track : the full enchilada

At the highest level is the actual weighing & measuring. It’s more precise than the other levels but it’s more involved, takes more mental energy and might create extra stress if you are worrying about an extra 3 Cheerios that you ate. On the other hand, nothing makes things clearer than measuring 3/4 of a cup of cereal into the bowl & then measuring out the milk & realizing that the quantity you’ve been eating daily from that bowl is probably 3 times “one” serving.

Where Finding the Fit Girl “fits” on the ladder

Level 0 – This is where I want to be for the rest of my life. I can visualize myself here when I visualize the fit girl inside me.

Level 1 – I have been her for the better part of 3 months with the exception of my vacation, off the ladder there.

Level 2 – I started here in Jan thru about April. I just tracked transgressions from my food plan. If the plan was a low carb week with bread allowed at lunch. If I ate something off that plan then I would just jot it down on my excel file. This was a successful time for me.

Level 3 – The difference between levels 2, 3, and 4 is what really struck me when I first read about the ladder. I can see the difference now between full tracking (level 4) and partial tacking (level 2). I can see myself using level 2 and 3 but not the full level 4.

Level 4 – I completely understand the need for this tool. I also see where I might need to refer to it for a time period but right now I do feel I have portion and size in control. This is the level where I get nutty which directly leads to failure.

Applying the Food Journal Ladder to myself :

My ultimate goals is to be in level 0 all the time but right now I need to switch some things up, lose some vacation weight and regain some control on things.

I want to thank http://lowstressweightloss.com/ for the permission.  She did such an excellent, detailed job there is no way I could have done any better.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

1 Step Forward and 10 Back

My life seems to constantly in this cycle.

Yesterday I started feeling crappy.  Late in the afternoon I came down with a fever and my whole body ached.  Got a cold.  My little one had a fever last Sunday and now has a congested cough.

My plan was to do kettlebells on Tuesday and run / walk today.  No exercise on Tuesday and I am debating about today.  This is one time I can’t read my body correctly.  I know some people would still exercise (if no fever).  My body is screaming lay on the couch and watch TV all day.  Do I push forward or give myself another day.  I have a cough, I ache but I think no fever.  It’s 8:45 am here.  What would you do – Exercise or Relax? 

Even though I wanted to stress eat big time yesterday, I didn't.  I did eat my typical sick meal for dinner – Lipton noodle soup with saltines and a grilled cheese sammie.  The grilled cheese was on light bread.

I hate getting sick, especially when I am motivated and getting back on track.

The big suck is this cold / virus might ruin my thanksgiving plans.  Hubby had a lump in his throat this morning.  Our plans are to drive to my parents on Saturday.  We can’t exposed my mom to any colds since she is on anti cancer meds.

Side Note - My 3 foot high, 27 pound tornado pulled a fire alarm at school yesterday.  The whole school was evacuated and the Fire Dept. showed up.  I was in the PTA room helping count money.  The room has corners and nooks so I didn't have 100% eyes on him, obviously.  I love my life, I love my kids.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Weekly Weight In 11/15/11

Weight = 202.2
Loss = –2.6 *

* from my high recorded on 11/13 of 204.8

I’m back.  My weekly weight ins are back.  On Sunday morning I said enough, I goal planned and planned my next 2 weeks.  With my goal plans in mind I said on Tues I will be 202.  I even put it and my exercise plans on on calendar.  I never said I wasn’t anal.

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Back to basis here.  Slow and steady.  As my trainer said the other day.  There is no new plans, pill or shot.  I know what to do.  His words – DIET, EXERCISE, DIET, and DIET.  I define diet as anything I put in my mouth.

On a side note I have have been in an organization and purge mode.  It feels great to clear out some clutter around here.  I don’t know where the motivation came from.  I think it stems from hubby getting some big jobs done around the house.  It motivated me to continue the process and get the house in better shape.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Bear With Me

This mostly is mostly for me.  Its my 2 week plan to get on track.  Today is the proverbial Day 1.  The restart day.  The clean up your sh*t and do better day.  Today the scale read 204.8.  I plan to take it slow. Going low carb, super clean is not the best idea when you have a road trip, stay at your parents and Thanksgiving coming up.

In the next 2 weeks I will:

  • Take my vitamins and medicine on time
  • Drink water – harder now with cooler weather
  • write down what I eat
  • portion control
  • strive for meal carbs below 30g and snacks below 15g.  I will still eat bread, just limited.  Lunch today was one slice rye instead of 2.
  • up the veggies and fruit – lacking here big time
  • no binges – I will have to control myself with the turkey sammies – I could eat 2 without thinking.  I will also have control at my parents house – land of sweets
  • simple foods and no desert items – except for 1 slice on t-day

Exercise
I was doing great but early last week I was done.  My body hurt for 4 solid days.  I found excuse after excuse not to exercise.  I went an entire 7 days with no intentional exercise.

This week – Mon – C210K week 3 day 2, Tue – k-bel or yoga, Wed - C210K week 3 day 3, Thu – k-bell, Fri – rest, Sat- C210K week 4 day 1

I realized today its not as bad as I assumed.  Yes I gained weight but I can fix it.  I can meet my long terms goals. 

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Why I’m Not Writing Much

Some days start like this

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My attempt at soccer ball cupcakes

And then my days can end up like this

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Cupcakes no more, thanks to the tornado in my house.

But dang he is a cute tornado

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Toddler Tornado asleep on the floor.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Hubby’s Disappointment

I need to explain why hubby is disappointed with me. 

Let me be 100% clear – it is NOT because he wants be thinner.

It has absolutely nothing to do with my weight.

I am married to a very good man.  A man with flaws and a man who comes across as a gruff and has some socialization issues.  But those who know him deep down know that he is good man. He is a man. He is NOT a yes man.  He is a man who truly knows me better than I do and can call me out on my shit.  He knows how happy I was when I involved in my getting fit journey.  He saw my excitement with new successes.

He was proud of me.  He knows I want to be a success with this.  He believes I can do anything I set my mind to.

Lets be honest here.  For the entire 12 years I have known him I have always been some form of overweight.  Never lower than 190.  He has no problems with an overweight women.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Nineteen

I stepped on the scale Friday morning and it screamed back at me 204.0 pounds.  Later on I was thinking.  Holy crap 204 is 19 pounds from my low of 185 reached in March of this year.  19 pound gain, not 1.9, no 5, no 10.9 but 19 frickin pounds.

A 19 pound gain is:

  • Not maintaince that I have been foolish to think I am doing
  • Not water retention (really wouldn’t that be nice)
  • why I have nothing to wear
  • Not a sign of success
  • a reason I feel like a failure, phony, fraud and a fool
  • why I feel uncomfortable in everything I put on
  • Not a Finding the FIT girl
  • why I feel like a stay puffed oompa lumpa
  • is not something I can deny
  • is disappointing my husband ***
  • is why my skin looks like crap
  • why I feel crappy all the time

Maya Angelou says:

“When you know better you do better.”

I know better but in the past 8 months I have NOT done better.  I know how great I feel when I eat right and exercise.  I also know how crappy I feel with the wrong foods. I know how to eat right and exercise.I know how bloated and uncomfortable I feel right now.  It’s so bad that I have very little to wear because I tossed my fat clothes and I have been nearly avoiding social situations.

**** deserves a whole post to explain

Saturday, November 5, 2011

My Apologies

I am sorry for my blogging absence.  I have been working some things out.  I will be working on some posts today and throughout the week.  They will include an honest description of where I am right now.  Please stayed tuned.

Friday, October 28, 2011

5? Fri 10/28/11

th_w6r0jk

1. Do you prefer cotton, silk, or flannel sheets?
Neither.  Well I guess Cotton.  But Beech cotton.  So silky smooth.  You can get them at Bed Barth and Beyond.  Love them but I only have 1 set.

2. What time zone are you in?
Pacific.

3. What is your favorite part of the holiday season?
Gathering of families, slowing down to spend time together, school break and cooler weather.

4. What is your favorite "wintry" drink? (It doesn't have to be an "alcoholic" drink!)
Confession time.  Dam Starbucks.  I am in love with the Salted Caramel Frap or Hot Chocolate.  Yummy.  Salt, chocolate, caramel and whip cream how can you go wrong.  I had one a few days ago and said goodbye.  Way too many wasted calories.

5. In your opinion, what is the worst job in the world?
I don’t know I am sure there is 1000’s of crap ass jobs out there.  Anything shown on Dirty Jobs.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I Feel Pretty

Today I finished Week 1 Day 2 of the couch to 10k program.  Afterwards I went home and showered.  I felt great, a high of sorts.  Hours later I am feeling a bit lower but I had heavy carbs today so who knows the real reason.

Even through 12 weeks is a long time, I am excited to finish the program.  The last 2 days I wanted to run more.

TMI WARNING
Now the I am running / walking  more distance I have a reoccurring issue.  I could use some ideas here..  The problem is I get sweaty on my low back, which ends going down my rear.  Gross I know.  Well It is making my lower parts uncomfortable, lets leave it at that,  and I don’t like the feeling.

Right now I wear normal cotton undies with mostly cotton shorts or capris.  Someone suggested higher end running pants (wicking) with no undies.  I feel like I will have the same problem.  Is there wicking underwear out there?

I will update my weight on Thursday!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Help From a Friend

I have a new friend.  This friend makes me feel like a big girl.  I am excited about all the cool things this new friend and I will be doing.

Meet my new friend, isn’t she pretty:

apple-iphone-4-91

My old dinosaur phone went extinct this past week.  The flip part of the phone detached itself.  It was DEAD.  Lost all my contacts.  Boo!  After a ton of research, adjustment of bills and finagling I convinced hubby that a smart phone is the right choice for me and we can afford it.  I had to switch my landline to Verizon (from cable) at a savings of $22 per month.  This allied me to get a new phone even though my renew date was 12.17.11.  Fun part was I spent 2 hours in the Verizon store with the toddler.

After much internal debate, I am good at that, I decided to start the couch to 10K program using my new friend.  The program is 12 weeks so I will be done just before the half marathon on 1.29.12.  The program is 3 days a week.  On my off days I will do a kettlebell routine at least 2 times and I want need to get back into Yoga.

I loaded up my C210K app, Runkeeper app and some tunes.  I am hoping and ready to go.

Oh course and as always in my life, there is a big chink in today’s plans.  Plan was to start day 1 after school drop off using the jogging stroller for the toddler.  Well, big kid is home sick.  Alternate plan – use the treadmill when toddler naps.  Flexibility is key.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

A Direct Relationship

My utter lack of blog writing and reading has a direct relationship to my lack of effort with my journey.  Denial may be a long river but sometimes it can be an easy river to navigate.  On the other hand I have been busy.  Steadily busy.  Although am I making myself busy in order to swim in Denial again?

My weight is roughly 199, same place it been for a long time.  I have seen the wrong side of 200 way to many times for comfort.  I did drop down to 196 with a 4 day show of excellence with my diet.  As for my October goals  - I had a week where I was slipping; eating later, forgetting my meds / vits and not getting enough water but most of the month I have been on track.  Except with the weight goal oh course.

My training - I am taking a break from formal kettlebell classes for multiple reasons.  I have a kettlebell at home but it still sitting in the same place.  I have been focusing on the walk/ run training for my half marathon in January.  I have been training with a friend, same person who is joining me in the race.  Problem is that when she flakes, I flake.  Wrong idea.  There is no reason why I can’t go on without her.  I have always been easily influenced by others.

I have been in the excuse mode of weight loss.  I am telling you know it is absolutely the wrong place to be and if you ever find yourself here – GET OUT!!!!  For example my head thinks – today I have a potluck so I CAN”T eat right today, why bother.  WRIONG WRONG WRONG. 

Monday, October 17, 2011

Still Here

Sorry to all.  I took an unintentional break.

Last week I did great, then came Friday.  All hell broke lose and the 4 pounds I lost in the 4 days before came right back on in the next 3 days.

My mom came down for a last minute trip.  It was awesome to see her but it included going out (I love) and food (love too).  I didn’t make the right choices.

More later, still have company.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

No Weigh In Today–Fresh Start

I know my weight.  I did step on the scale.  I am choosing not to post it here.  Not because I want to hide it.  It is because it hasn’t changed or budged for that matter in over a week.  I am not going to post it because I haven’t done a dam thing about it in far too long.  Why show a loss number when you did nothing to work on it.

I am turning over a drastic leaf today.  Cleaning out the system.  I started Cooler 1 from Tosca Reno’s Eat Clean Diet.  Basically it’s no sugar and low carb.  This is me this week

image

Today hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be.  I did get hungry but it passed.  I had a woozy episode but I ate 1/2 an apple and it passed.  Overall I feel clear.  I even created a new yummy treat.

Tea Slushy
heavily brewed flavored tea *
crushed ice
chocolate whey protein

Blend and enjoy!
* I choose Aztec Fire by Teavana – yummy

What do you do as a reset?  Restart?

Sunday, October 9, 2011

First OA Meeting

On Friday I attended my first OA (Overeaters Anonymous) meeting.  The location I attended also includes a H.O.W section.

It hard to put to words how I felt it the meeting so bear with me.  I don’t think a H.O.W OA meeting is the right thing for me.  The H.O.W has you eat no sugar, no white flour and only portion controlled meats and veggies and specific times for 30 days and then slowly add in good grains overtime.  This is not for me.  I know how to eat right, I need to discover why I choose not to eat right and specific times I eat compulsively (stress, sad, social, etc).

Most of the people there were 20 years or more my senior.  There was only 2 somewhere near my age.  As much as age should not be an issue, it doesn’t give me a sense of comrade or the feeling someone knows where I am coming from (maybe 20 year ago they did).  On the other hand ladies were kind and invited me to lunch (El Pollo Loco).

Most of the meeting was just reading from books or papers.  No actions.

I didn’t walk away with “oh, this is where I start” feeling.  I didn’t walk away with any take home message.  I really didn’t walk away with much except an envelope with some welcome stuff in it.

Next week I am going to try a different time and location.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Some Relief

I am finally feeling some relief. Last night was back to school night.  I am feeling more confidence in my son’s teacher.  I was so stressed out about it the past 2 weeks.  Stressed to the point of anger and tears.  The teacher appears to be reaching her groove and is displaying a slight bit more confidence.  We are not out of the woods.

I will be breaking a rule I set for myself.  The teacher needs help.  She is asking for volunteers.  Honestly she needs volunteers.  I plan want need to volunteer.  I know I am not the great and all powerful OZ but I would like to help out and keep an eye on things in the classroom.  This same thing happened in kindergarten.  His kinder teacher was frazzled, lacking confidence and turned to me and a few other moms for help.  The teacher last night reminded me of the kinder teacher.  Plan is to talk to hubby before I commit.

My undiagnosed anxiety and probably depression is getting the best of me.  You can see if in my weight.  Hubby can see it in my face and manners.  I can see it in my utter lack of enjoyment.

Exercise provides relief to my mental issues but it is only a temporary fix.  I need more help.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Weekly Weigh In 10.4.11

Weight = 200.6
Loss Gain = +1.4

It’s not pretty.  It’s not where I ever expected to be again.  It pisses me off.

I am wordless today.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

October 2011 Goals

Bringing back an old motivator, monthly goal setting.  I have been lacking in so many areas of life that I think some goal setting will help set me in the right direction.

Goal #1
Weight at 194
As of today that would be minus 6 pounds.  Yes, in case you are wondering my weight has been hovering around 200.  Gross.

Goal #2
Water, Water, Water
Minimum of 72 ounces of water daily.  This past week at Disney and the fair I could feel my alck of water.  I didn’t carry around a bottle and I was so thirsty.  When the weather cool it get harder but then I can break into drinking unsweetened decaf teas.

Goal #3
Eat within 1 hour of waking
I have been waiting too long to eat, sometimes 3 hours or more, exception is my am tea.  Bad idea for someone with insulin resistance.  Actually bad idea for anyone.

Goal #4
Attend OA

Attend first and possibly a second OA meeting.

Today is weird.  I had a decent night’s sleep and it the first day we have nothing and nowhere to go.  I am so tired.  Insanely tired.  Can’t think straight tired.  Why the hell am I so dang tired.

What are your October Goals?

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Give Me 3 B’s

I am beat, broke and in need of doing some serious butt kissing of the hubby.  Along with the normal household, car schlepping and life stuff here is my week:
M – 2.5 mile walk, hubby worked really late, can’t remember rest

T- Help with fundraiser at school for 3 hours while hubby watched toddler, Disneyland with both kids 12p till 9pm, tons of walking.

W – Toddler music class, hubby worked OT in the afternoon.  Right after he got home at 9pm I went out to a friend’s house.

Th – Bootcamp, LA county fair with big kid (no school) from 1 to 10pm (so much walking) while hubby watched 2 yo, cleaned and folded all the clothes I washed on Sun.  Big time butt kissing, he never does folding anymore.  Fair is so $$$, games are $5 or more.  Rides even more.

F – Hubby worked, mom club meeting in am, clean up house, go to Disneyland with mom’s only in afternoon until 12:30 am, tons of walking.  Kids were watched by sitter until hubby came home.

S – Kettlebells for 1 1/2 hours – ouch, park birthday party full of sugar, soccer game all with 2 very overtired, no napped kids.  Toddler lost his marbles at the game, laying on asphalt of parking lot lost his marbles.

I am SO tired right now but I still have at least 4 more hours until I have a semi break.  We are home for the night, thank goodness. Toddler has calmed some but is so tired.  Now I just have to keep him out of trouble until bedtime.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Still Here

I am still here.  Sorry I haven’t blogged in a few days.  Busy and Beat.  I am sure there is a few more B words to describe my week.  Bitchy, sure!

I overwhelmed by the To Do and the haven't dones.  Looking forward to a quieter weekend ahead to chunk some items off my list.

Weight is not moving.  Exercise is increasing.  Food, well the weight is not moving because of the food.

I found an overeater’s anonymous meeting, now I just need to get to it.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Get Real People

Lately I’ve been watching Drop Dead Dive.  I netflixed (yes it’s a verb in my world) the first seasons and then watched the most recent.  Premise is a young model dies and her soul is placed in a plus sized lawyers body.

The writers have made a big mistake.  In the beginning the star showed dismay over her fat clothes wardrobe, how to have sex in her new body, etc.  It was great dramedy (comedy and drama).  Now its ridiculous.  No more fat girl issues, no esteem problems, etc.  She just acts like the model and talks about clothes as if she had a choice.  The star was traveling to Italy with no luggage “Why pack when Prada is there”.  Um, no way in HELL could this fat girl fit into Prada.  Sorry, even a Prada XL (if they have it) is a medium at WalMart.  Let’s be realistic here, no way could a fat person go to Italy and buy off the rack.  It would be so difficult to find clothes.  I am under 200, muscular and I have a HARD time finding clothes in FAT America.  I am right on the plus size border and us fat ladies out there know there is so few plus size choices.

On the plus size note, I was looking at a yoga line’s online catalog.  I clicked on the the Plus size tab for pants.  The plus size went to XL (12-14).  That was their highest size, are you kidding me.  I probably wouldn’t fit into that.  That is their definition of Plus Size, seriously deluded!

P.S.  I missed my weigh in today.  I will check tomorrow am.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Menu Planning Monday

Well I actually did this on Sunday and did all the shopping.  I don’t set my menu for a certain day.  I pick 5 to 6 meals and then choose what to make in the morning.  With the way our life works I have to be flexible.  For example yesterday was eggplant Parmesan sandwiches.  I made mine and then waited for hubby’s “on way home” call.  The call became “I’ll be late” and turned into him getting home at 1am (19 hour day).  So I will make them again tonight.  Shift in plans.

Meal 1- Eggplant Parmesan sammie. – Hubby wanted to have the tradition breaded and fired type.  We usually bake or roast our eggplant.  I had mine last night, heavy and make me sick on the throne later.

Meal 2 – Pepper steak.  Rocco’s Now Eat This cookbook has a fantastic pepper steak on page 139.  This was our introduction to Anaheim peppers (yum) now in our garden (so tiny).  We use Tri Tip we get on sale and trim the fat.  Its cheaper.  The calorie count is 326.

Meal 3 – Carnitas.  First time making carnitas in the crock pot.  I bought corn tortillas for this one.  Wish me luck.

Meal 4 – Eggplant Lasagna

Meal 5 – Chicken in mustard sauce.  Basically a breast with a Dijon sauce.  easy.

Meal 6 – Chicken Ka-bobs with veggies.  Use those garden veggies.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Can’t Think of a Good Title

Calm Sunday around here, no plans.  Working on the house, laundry and planning out the week.  I haven’t done any menu planning in too long, time to work on it.  We have a ton of tomatoes and eggplants so I will center my menu around the garden bounty.

Exercise
MWF walk training, I want to be over 3 miles by the end of the week?
T and TH – Kettlebell Bootcamp

New Food Love
Ok, so not technically a food but I have a new love thanks to my local Trader Joes.  You can find these in the juice section for $2.99 I think.

IMG_3651 

Directions are to add 1 packet to 16.9 oz bottled water.  Honesty that is a strong mix.  I usually do 1 packet to about 30 oz of water.  Its a light flavoring to my boring water.  I sometimes mix the lemonade with Ice tea to make an Arnold Palmer.IMG_3652

1 packet is only 15 calories and I use only 1 a day.  It is sweetened with Stevia and a slight amount of cane solids.  No artificial crapola (hence the love).  Yummy.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Perfect Illustration of Why - Repost

Originally Posted on 10.23.10.  With my current gain I have nothing to wear.  Well I have clothes but I am uncomfortable in them or they are too small.  I tossed all my fat clothes.  I hate the feeling.  I am not into vanity numbers.  I don't strive to be an 8.  I just desire choice.  Choice to go into any store. Choice to pick off the rack.  Choice to go up or down in a size.  Right now I still don't have that choice.  Where will I have to be in weight to have choice.  170?  The big belly and boobs make it difficult.

This is why I don't use my clothes or a particular size as an indicator of success.  I use the scale (yuck, I know) and my measurements.  Granted this is for men's pants but I imagine the discrepancy in women's pants is even crazier.  Imagine Old Navy is a full 5 inches bigger.  5 inches is a lot of extra poundage on the midsection.

I am happy to no longer be in the "women's" or "plus" section.  I look forward to the day when even more options are open to me.  I am on the border still between Plus and Regular sizing.  With the large chest I still have to reach for XL or XXL to cover up the ladies.  Otherwise I could give a crap about the size of the clothes I am wearing.

Friday, September 23, 2011

5? Fri 9/23/11

th_w6r0jk

1. Dream job...realistic and completely unrealistic.
Owner of a spa.  But not just a spa.  A place of overall well being.  Even as the owner I would partake in the services and classes provided.

2. Do you fart in front of your significant other?
Really do I have to answer.  Fine.  Modesty doesn’t exist in my house and the includes gaseous matters.

3. What's the furthest you've ever traveled from home? How far and where was it?
By car, by plane?  California to Jamaica for my honeymoon  is probably the farthest I have traveled.

4. How do you celebrate birthday for your kids? Family only or friends? ... Alternate for those without kiddos: How did you celebrate birthdays as a kid?
With our closest family being 350 miles away parties are with the kids friends or no party at all and just dinner out with the family.  We don’t go big ever year.  In fact the toddler (2.5) hasn’t had a party yet.  I feel bad about that. Last year for the big kid we went to a BMX dirt track, the boys rode and we had pizza and cake.  We oh course overbought on the pizza.  I always overbuy food.  Sometimes its a park play date or a bounce place or laser tag.  I have 2 winter birthdays so it sometimes hard to mange with the weather.

5. Fave thing about fall?
It cooler but still sunny.  Slightly brisk but not cold, no rain.  Love the weather.

*************************************************************************************************************
Haven’t had time or motivation or spark to write on my blog.  My 7 yo is getting a new teacher 3 weeks into shcool so I helped her set up her classroom along with a few other moms.  I am sore today from boot camp on Thursday (been a week).

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Weekly Weigh In 9/20/11

Weight = 199.2
Loss = +1.4

Public omission – I am having a difficult time.  It not just with my weight loss.  It is affecting many aspects of my life.  My anxiety is at an all time high.  My binge issues are escalated.  I am unable to keep control on my food choices.  The things that usually make me happy / calm are not working.

Hubby and I had a big blow out last week that resulted in a long discussion about me and how I am doing.  Which is not good.  The summary was I want / need to seek help.

A few days ago I sought the advice of a well informed friend.  I let it all out, told her my troubles.  That was HARD in itself.  I struggle with admitting I need help.  My wonderful friend suggested starting with Overeaters Anonymous.  OA might will help with the food issue but may result in some anxiety help too considering the first step is to give up control.  In addition, OA is free.  Today was a binge example.  PTA volunteer social with mini doughnuts, fruit, bagels, and pastries.  I didn’t eat breakfast (mistake 1).  My multiple trips to the table resulted in – 4 mini wheat bagels with light cream cheese, some grapes, multiple mini doughnuts (rough guess 10 +).  Why didn’t I stop with the 1 bagel and 2 donuts.  Why did I continue to go back and continue to eat.

Another major issue in my house is the discord in child rearing / discipline.  My husband is equally involved in the child rearing, not hands off like many dads.  Problem is we are not on the same page and my anxiety is causing problems with discipline.  I am worry if we are doing the right thing, worry about how the NOW will affect them in the FUTURE, I worry to the point of doubt and no action.

Today was another example of my anxiety getting the best of me.  Park play date, toddler was doing something I needed to change, I corrected him from a distance.  Another mom near me said basically to rest of group “its funny to know I am not the only one who barks at their kids, we all have our breaking points”.  I wasn’t barking at him and I was offended and felt like I was being judged.  I felt uncomfortable.

Monday, September 19, 2011

My Space

I did it.  I created my own space.  I decided to call it my space instead of a Vision Board.  It’s so much more than a vision board.  It is MY PLACE.  No one can put crap on it or touch it.  It is a place I can look at, touch and BREATH.

 IMG_3622

i started with removing all the crap.  There is crap everywhere that I am working on (now that I have more time).  First I purchased a Scentsy wickless candle burner and some scents.   I wanted a nice piece of fabric to cover the dresser top.  I picked the fabric up at Jo-anns and the fake orchids (both on sale).  I would love to have a real orchid but I have too many “live” things to “properly” care for and right now I can’t add another.  The pictures are from one of favorite place to buy sports bras Title 9.  I haven't bought clothes from there yet but I hope too someday.  Even thought they have XL, I still feel like I am too big and I will be majorly disappointed.  Plus most of the styles are not for the well endowed like myself. 

It’s a work in progress, isn’t everything these days.  I want to add some old pics, some quotes, etc.  

In a house of 2 young boys and a husband it is hard to have a space to myself.  Our house is modest but it is a home and I am thankful.  I tried to avoid getting the rest of my Master bedroom in the picture.  The room needs major work.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

My Past Attmpts p.s - repost

Originally posed on 8/30/2010.

Part  2 of of my personal review of where I have been before.  Part one can be found here.

I have "Dieting" more times that I can count or even remember.  I tried, fail and tried again only to fail again. 

At some point, don't know when, I hopped on board a program my dad created.  He created an Excel files to track his calories, etc.  I not sure how you would classify how we were eating but best guess would be Zone style.

Around 2002 my husband and I tried Body for Life. We really enjoyed working out together and the eating program was ok, but strict. I honestly can't remember how long I did it or if I lost weight. I remember my body changing but that is so typical of me. Even with 60 or more extra pounds on me I can completely change my shape (for the good) and not lose a single pound. So frustrating.  There is that theme again - it's all about the food.

At the time of my 30th birthday (2003) and after a 1 1/2 years of trying for number 1 kid I went to Lindora.  Lindora is an extreme program.  Super low crab ketosis state program.  I was successful, when I did it.  I think there is where I got down to about 192 (maybe a 12 pound loss) and the I also miraculously got pregnant with no help.  Do I believe the weight loss, helped me get pregnant, absolutely.

When I finally discovered that I have PCOS I started seeing an endocrinologist on a regular basis.  She prescribed Metaformin which helps regulate insulin in my body.  She also recommended following the 3rd phase of the South Beach Diet.  I think I did this one maybe 3 different times and stopped.  I continue to take the metaformin and Dr. said it is my choice of when to stop.  I might dose down in about 20 more pounds and then off completely when I hit my goal.

One of my more successful times was under the care of an infertility specialist to get kid number 2 after 2 miscarriages and 3 years of trying.  His diet prescription was - no sugar, no dairy, soft cheese, green veggies, nuts, lean protein and no starch.  Hello, low carb.  I lost about 15 pounds quickly and even during my first trimester of pregnancy . Got pregnant on the first IUI -Clomid try.  In addition, my highest pregnancy weight never went above my high of 232.

I also remember owning books like "Stop the Insanity" and "Dr. Phil's Weight Loss Revolution" and "The Zone."

The scary thing is I don't think this list included everything I have tried and I am only 37 years old.

Friday, September 16, 2011

5? Fri 9/16/11

1. If you had a weekly newspaper column, what would you name it?
Welcome to the Jungle

2. Who is your mentor/inspiration?
Yikes, this is hard for me.  No time to pick a person but anyone who does IT with grace and ease.

3. What is your wake up beverage of choice?
Teavana Earl Grey Creme with German rock sugar and milk almost daily.  I don’t drink coffee or soda so this is my only caffeine for the day.

4. Would you wear your mom's clothes?
I did when I was younger.  I wasn’t very hip as a kid.  Today I more “with it” than mom.  She wears mommy jeans, light wash and tees. 

5. When you were a kid, did you put posters on your wall? If so, what were they of?
Yes I did.  The usually Teen Beat etc boys.  I am a chameleon so my tastes changed often and still do.  I can’t remember obsessing over one specific person.  Just imagine the 80’s teen throb of the time.
******************************************************************************************************
I haven’t had time to BREATH this week.  Still struggling with school schedule and HOMEWORK hell.  More later when I get a chance.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Weekly Weigh In 9/13/11 – a Day Late

Weight = 197.8
Loss  = –1.4

Sorry I am a day late and have been out of touch.  We are still adjusting to the school schedule and homework.  The homework has been a battle royal around here.  I have been working on getting back in the exercise routine too.  Just got home from a 2.5 fast walk.  My friend and I are working on our pacing.   We walked about a 17 min mile. 

I think one of the biggest misconception I am suffering from right now is that weight gained will come off quick.  Wrong.  It will take just a long as it normally does.

Yesterday I had my checkup with my Endocrinologist.  I see one on a regular basis for my PCOS.  News was great.  My weight was up but all the internal numbers were fantastic considering I showed a 10 pound gain.  Usually the opposite happens.  My cholesterol was 199.  I won’t bore you with the details.

I feel my weight gain everywhere.  So uncomfortable especially in my outside clothes.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

10 Years and a Lifetime Later

I am sitting here today snuggling with a squishy 2 year old, next to a handsome 7 year old playing video game reflecting on September 11, 2001. 

In 2001 I was a newlywed in a new town and new job light years away from my previous life.  Less than 2 months before I moved from suburban Orange Country (The OC) to a border town in the hot desert mere miles from Mexico.  Less then 2 weeks before I accepted a position as a middle school science teacher for 7th and 8th grade.  My prior career was an analytical Chemist for a major pharmaceutical company.  I had no previous teacher experience or training.  Talk about crazy.

Being 3 hours behind, by the time I reached school many of the events on the East Coast had already unfolded without my knowledge.  I heard some water cooler talk about stuff happened but was still unaware of the complete tragedy and attack unfolding on our country.

I enter my classroom and turned on the TV.  Our TV had few channels but one of the happened to be CNN.  Once I realized what was truly happening I call my hubby and woke him up.  At the time he was a US Boarder Patrol agent.  Like most of the US I was glued to the TV but at some point our principal requested a return to “normal” activity and the TV’s off.  I had to keep myself together considering I had to be in front of over 180 11 to 13 year olds fro the rest of the day. 

Flash forward to yesterday.  A day where I went with my 2 beautiful sons to our cities Patriot Day celebration.  My son in his Boy Scout uniform and me beaming with pride as tears streamed down my face.  The celebration / memorial included bag pipes, a USMC battalion, tanks and truck for the kids to explore, a USMC family who lost their son a few months ago, a 21 gun salute, etc.  My hubby was at work, work where he is a first responder.  He is among the brotherhood of men and women who ran into those buildings, who provided control among the chaos.

I am proud to be an American, proud of my husband and happy to have the life I am blessed to have.

Friday, September 9, 2011

5? Fri 9/9/11

1. What ringtone do you have on your cell phone?
Dinosaur cell phone.  I just use whatever is on the phone.  Something I will hear.  My texts are a Choo Choo sound.

2. What is your favorite memory from this summer?
Watching my toddler take to the pool like a fish to water.  With no lessons he can basically swim, dive and return from the bottom, jump in and pull himself out from the side of the pool.  I also loved watching my big little man blossom into a young man with how he plays with friends and how he explores his independence.

3. Paper books or ebooks?
New to e-books and love paper books.  Riding the fence.  Love my Nook and the bonuses it has like clicking on a word and getting the definition.  I am reading more with the Nook.

4. If you could have one home upgrade what would it be and why?
Only one?  My master bathroom.

5. When was your first serious boyfriend/girlfriend?
Way too early.  9th grade.  Mike.  Who was 4 year older than me.  Bad idea.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Good Start of My Day

2nd day of 2nd grade.  My weight is already down 2 pounds.  A good amount of the weight I showed on Tuesday was water weight from the trip, etc.

Today was training day one for my half marathon in Jan 2012.  I am training with a friend.  Our fitness levels are different but I am sure we will sync up soon.  We used Runkeeper on the iPhone.  I think its off a bit, clearly we didn’t walk in water.  The path around the lake is 1.1 miles and we did it 2 times plus the walk down there.  This my friend’s first walk in awhile so we kept it easy.

image

I need to write a vacay recap.  I am happy to be back on schedule and schools back in.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Goal Reward

Clearly I need a kick in the pants.  I am back to tracking my food and watching my water and portion size.  I am not counting calories, just a basic write down everything that goes in my mouth.

When I reach 185 pounds (my lowest ever) I will buy myself 2 dresses from Title 9.  I am not sure of their sizing, probably on the smaller size.  I drool over their catalog when I get it and love their sports bra selection but have been too chicken to buy the clothes.

Here they are:

2 1

Now that I am thinner I enjoy wearing dresses.  Problem is a lot of dress are not cut for the well endowed.  They usually hit me mid boob or make me look pregnant.  I need something cut near the waist.  Since I want these for winter I will also have to buy some boots too (I have none).

Example of a dress I would LOVE to own but I guarantee the ladies won’t fit or I will look like I am trying to expose myself to the world.

3

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Weekly Weigh In 9/6/11 – Day 1

Weight = 199.2
Loss = +4.4

Why day 1?  It’s a new day to get this train back on track. 

Didn’t have time to write today.  Last min stuff for school starting on Wed and catching up from being out of town for 10 days. 

More later.  The weight is plain gross but it will change in the right direction.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

“Emancipate Yourself From mental slavery” - repost

Originally posted on June 12, 2010.  I still feel uncomfortable when I receive attention from men.  Usually it’s only much older, creepier men so it’s easy to brush off.  I not sure how I will do when it I am lighter and the men are closer to my age.  I have learned to say Thank you to comments and not dismiss them.

Awhile ago I mentioned here that I dislike attention / comments from men.  I said would elaborate later but I have a hard time putting my feeling about it into words.  Well just the other day I read a section of a book that really put it in perspective for me.  I am reading this book.

I will paraphrase some of the things she wrote.  But while I was reading it more than once I put the book down with an ah ha moment.  This is on page 117 and the title is "Attention is Scary" in the chapter "Reclaiming Your Life".

Many overweight people tell me they use their excess fat to insulate themselves from others...  There are many reasons for protecting oneself this way.  For some the fatty layer is a form of protection against abuse, shyness and unhappiness.  For other's, its more of an awareness of the affliction they suffer with, being overweight ... If you have demons that make you want to hide from the world under a layer of fat .. then you have to learn to deal with those issues in a different way.  Bob Marley once said "emancipate yourself from mental slavery".... If you are uncomfortable with sexual attention, do not fear.  Although your new, leaner self will ... make you feel more attractive, you don't have to attract sexual attention unless you want it.  The way people perceive you depends on the way you present yourself.
Let's just say in my very very long ago past I didn't deal well with sexual attention, too involved, too young.  Then I started gaining weight and I spent a good part of 5 years single with out any prospects.  My esteem about this was in the crapper for sure.  Then I met the wrong guy and spent the better part of 3 years sort of being with that wrong guy.  Luckily, I broke away from the wrong guy, sought therapy and worked on some issues and gave my heart and soul to the right guy (11 years ago and still going).  The point of this is that it has been 15 years or more where I had attention from the opposite sex.  It makes me uncomfortable (former shy girl) and I don't know how to deal with it.  I am still shy with Mr. and I sometimes get silly and giggle.  I think it's the thought of "really someone is attracted to me."  I have very cute friends who to this day get attention all the time (despite the ring) but they have been dealing with it for so long they have the armor to do so.  To sum it up, other than Mr. I seriously haven't been hit on in like 15 years or more.  It's totally foreign to me.  Hell, I might not even recognize it.  So I partially agree with what Tosca is saying about how you present yourself but I think you also need some tools in your belt on how to deal with the attention regardless if you want it or not.

Friday, September 2, 2011

FMM and Comments

I seen some FMM post here and there.  I figured I would try my own Friend Making Monday post by on a Friday since I am on vacay.  This was originally written on 8/23.  I copied the questions from Spoonful of Me.  The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment (see below) on a couple of other posts.

1) What is the title of the last book you read? I have 3 in progress – Room by Emma Donoghue, Dragonfly in Amber by Diane Gabaldon and 4 hour Body by Tim Ferris.

2) What is the last movie you saw in a theater? The HELP with my book club.  Excellent adaptation of the book.

3) Briefly describe the last person you saw today. The people I see every day, my 2 kids and hubby.  I have plans to meet a friend for a pedicure in an hour.

4) Which store did you most recently shop in? Target – last min trip supplies
 
5) Who’s the last person you spoke to over the phone?  My neighbor to finalize the Cat sitting details for her kiddos (I pay them).

6) Where’s the last place you vacationed? Navarre FL at in laws in progress

7) When was the last time you kissed someone of the opposite sex? Hubby and 2 year old

8) What’s the last thing that made you laugh? My 7 year old sarcastic attitude – no idea where he gets that from :-)

9) What’s the latest app that you downloaded on your phone? I don’t have an app capable phone

10) What’s the last kind thing you did for someone? I did this and helped a friend pack her house.  She has almost no help with a 4 bedroom house and her husband is 2000 miles away.

Comments
Am I the only one the finds comments on blogs tedious and time consuming?  I must be doing something wrong.  I love comments and would love to comment more on all the awesome blogs I read.  I get so frustrated with the process and give up.  Help!!

This is what I do (can it be fixed?).  I open blogger dashboard, click on “View in Google Reader”, scroll thru (and read) all the blogs I follow.  When I see one I have to comment on I go back to the dashboard in Blogger, find and click on the blog (from list), then click on the post, then wait for blog load.  Inside the blog I click on Post a comment.  This is where it gets even worse.  It is blog dependent but this is the worse case.  I write my comment and try to spell correctly (mistakes often) then I have to choose the account, I click on Google account, I click on post comment, blogger shows a screen about xxx doesn’t have access, then I have to log back into blogger and unclick the stay logged in.  Then I get returned to the blog where I have to click post comment.  Next time I go to Blogger (my homepage) I have to log back in and click on the stay logged in.  Seriously this is too much.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Update on Surgery

Post surgery update.  Warning Female related items following.

I has been 46 days since my last cycle and 38 since my surgery.  Other then some crying episodes around the time of my cycle I had no cycle.  Nothing expect a miniscule amount of slightly colored discharge. 

It is so weird not having it.  I will have to get used to the lack of it.

My mojo is not quite back yet.  It will be.

So far I would recommend the surgery to anyone with major issues during that time.

Monday, August 29, 2011

You Scream, We All Scream, I Want to Scream

The other night I helped a friend pack her house.  Along with some dinner for her family I bought 2 pints of Ben and Jerry's.  One for her and one for me.  For a munchies I brought over some Little Caesar’s Crazy bread, 2 bags.  So I ate most of the bag on the way.   When I arrived I offered her some. She ate one piece and put he rest away.  That should have clued me in right there.

Later on after a packing frenzy we sat to chat and enjoy our ice cream.  She had Cherry Garcia and I had Chubby Hubby. 

Her – small bites.  Slowly eating, enjoying each bite, very slowly eating.  She then decided she was done.  I swear it looked like she ate a 1/4 of the fricking pint.

Me – digging in, non stop, big bits, quick, ate nearly the entire pint in the same time she ate her 1/4.

I have only known her for a few years so this is only an assumption on my part.  My friend is maybe 10 to 15 of slight over weight, nice figure, mommy tummy a bit (3 kids).  My guess is she has never been obese, never had food issues, never binged, never looked at the scale and thought holy sh*t I still have nearly 50 pounds to lose (post baby does not count).  Again total assumptions.

I yearn to eat like that with red light items.  She claimed to be in love with the ice cream and claimed to have a sweet tooth.  The tooth must be microscopic.

Do you have any observations of how fitter, possibly never been obese people eat?

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Skinny is Not Fit - Repost

Originally posted on July 15, 2010.  I did not intend this post to come out as a judgment, it was merely an observation that allowed me to reflect upon my own journey.  I included some of the original comments because they were fantastic comments.  I agree with the second commenter that the other ladies in the class were out of line with their comments.

The other day at boot camp a new lady started.,  She was rail thin.  In fact some of the other ladies told her they wouldn't be in boot camp if they were as thin as her.  Her goal was to gain strength.  I watched her workout.  She was using really low weights, like 3lb and 5lb.  I use 10lb and 12lb.  She wasn't able to do everything completely.

Skinny is NOT fit

The trainer mentioned the next day that the same lady texted her a bunch of time about how sore she was and how much she hurt.  My first week of boot camp I really wasn't very sore.  Just one day but my butt was a bit ouchy.

I will be FIT not Skinny

Another trainer mentioned that sometimes skinny people have a high percentage body fat, "skinny fat".  They are not fit.  I love my developing tone, muscles.  I love to see the changes in my body.  I love getting fitter.

Anonymous said...

Everyone has their own personal journey that is unlike anyone else's. I'm glad the skinny woman recognized that in order to achieve health that she needed to do something different. And I'm kind of sad for the women who commented that they wouldn't be at boot camp if they were skinny. Like you clearly see, fitness and wellness go so much deeper than what you can see on the outside. And I'm afraid for the women who think that once they get thin they don't need to put in the time anymore (e.g., no more boot camp). The journey is so much more than a weight goal, but a lifelong adventure. What a great reminder, Amy, that you have put in the time and have achieved so much for yourself! Congratulations on the 20!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

It is so unfortunate to hear that a thin woman is unwelcome in this Boot Camp. As you know, people can be very judgmental and judging a thin person is as sinful as judging one who is overweight.
Although this women could not lift much weight, she sounds like a much STROGER woman that those who could lift more pounds that her. She certainly seems to understand that health and fitness involves more than just a thin physique, but also includes strength. (Strength, by the way, is all relative. A person who can lift 50 lbs is not necessarily more fit than one who can lift only 20.)
I commend her for having the courage to join the group. Just like people who are obese, she sounds like she has some shortcomings but she is proactively working to overcome them. If she gains strength but still cannot lift more than others, she would still be successful in her own right. If other members are critical rather than supportive and the trainer is divulging her personal messages to the group, she may be better off with a group that is truly focused on getting fit and leading an active lifestyle.
I am glad to read that you love your developing muscle tone and are becoming more confident in your body. I hope that the feeling is coming from within. (Response – It is) When we gain confidence in ourselves based on the shortcoming of others, that confidence is only temporary until the next fit/lean/strong person comes to stand next to us.
Fat or skinny, let's accept people the way they are and support each other in their goals without judgment or criticism.
Compassion is free. It costs you nothing to have kindness in thought, word, and action for people. And someday, you might like to have the favor returned. Let's try to be compassionate, and instead of thinking the worst about people, think the best. Imagine who that person used to be, might be now, and could become. Be... kind. The world will be a better place because of it.

Friday, August 26, 2011

I am a Fool

I am a fool to think I would see significant inch differences in my measurements from February 2011 to now.  The numbers were pathetic.  To pathetic to post here.  Not worth the trouble.

I am a fool to think the exercise is a bigger component than food.  I know it isn't but I am a fool to think I would see a difference when I have 5 more pounds on my body since my February measurements.

I am a fool to think I have made progress or done a dam thing in the past year.

I am a fool to think I have this weight / head / body thing figured out.

I am a fool to think I can lose weight eating the way I have been for months.

I am a fool to think

Enough of being the fool.  Enough thinking *.  Time to DO.

* A fit friend who works hard to be where she is mentioned that I am over thinking it.  Over thinking it all.  She could have a point.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Today we are off to FL for our final trip of the summer.  This is a big one.  We will be gone for 11 days at my in-laws.  Lucky they have a pool at their house, live close to the beach and have a boat.

I am nervous about a few things.  The biggest ones are related to the toddler.  How will he act on the plane?  How will he be at the in-laws?  And how will he sleep?  Not to mentioned the unguarded pool just outside the French doors at their house.

I know my weight loss is non existent.  The only place I have made progress is with all the mental crap.  I have decided I will treat this trip truly as a vacation.   I am going to vacation from thinking about my weight loss.  I will vacation from exercise.  I will vacation from limiting myself.  I will vacation from my head and my To Do list.

I’m not giving myself free license to gain, get flabby, not exercise and eat like a pig.  It just won’t be the center of my existece.  I am going to enjoy my family and engage.  Exercise may be hard to come by because I will melt outside.  Humidity and I are vicious enemies.  I will move in the pool and do some body weight exercises – push ups, squats, etc.  I will not binge.

When I get back it will be go time.

I have scheduled a ton of posts – confessionals, few reposts, stories, pictures, updates, etc.

Wish me luck on the plane with a very active 2.5 year old.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Weekly Weigh In 8/23/11

Weight = Not happening
Loss  = Doubt it

I am choosing to not weigh in today.  I don’t want to get into it.

We are packing and cleaning for our trip tomorrow. 

Sorry, I seem to be wordless today.  More coming, starting tomorrow.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Pay It Forward

Some of you may have read Chubby McGee’s post on http://chubzilla.blogspot.com/ about me sending her my body media calorie counter.

Why would I give away my weight loss tool?

2 big reasons.

Reason 1 – The Body Media and I have exhausted our relationship.  I love the data it provides but there is some limitations about it that I do not like.  I DO NOT want to discourage anyone from using this as a weight loss tool.  It’s just not the right tool for me.  The mechanisms behind the device do not allow it to read my exertion at a kettlebell class correctly.  My arms stay nearly stationary so there it very little movement.  I wish there was a device that would do what the body media (and body bugg) does and measure heart rate.  As far as I know it doesn’t exist.  I also began to dislike wearing it 24/7.  It’s hard to put into words why I choose to no longer use the device.  I won’t get into the other limitations.

Reason 2 – I think Chubby rocks.  She had mentioned a desire to have a device like this.  I love reading her blog and I feel a cyber kinship with her.  Same relative weight, 2 crazy boys, etc.  She has an amazing writing ability (not me) and easily conveys her thoughts with a humorous tone (again not me).  I wish I had her tiny waist. For a month or so I have been looking at the Body Media sitting on my desk, collecting dust and I thought I could do something better with this.  I could make someone else happy who deserves to be so.  Chubby immediately came to mind.

I expect nothing in return.  Consider it like me unexpectedly paying for your drive thru meal (not that you would eat drive thru :-).  Pay it forward in some form is all I ask.