Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Weekly Weigh In 6/30/10 and Wedding Recap

Weight = 197.6
Loss = +0.4

So, not as bad as I originally thought.  The wedding alcohol and food (sodium) really bumped up my weight but I must have dropped the water weight since Sunday.  I am happy the weight is not super high (out of control) but also upset that it is not lower.  I am going to sit down and evaluate June and really think about where I want to go in July.

The wedding was awesome.  It was the first time Mr. and I went away from our baby #2.  I did get stressed out and pissed off when we got there because all I wanted to do was have fun and relax but I had to get the tux to one of the groomsman with no cell reception in the resort.  The Bacara resort was beautiful and the room was fantastic.  I enjoyed a few cocktails and the pool before getting ready.  Getting ready for the wedding was a bit difficult (cocktails).  I was comfortable and felt great.  I did Spanx it but it is one size too big so not a whole lot of squish.  I received many compliments that really helped me feel good.  The wedding was great and full of more cocktails and food, foodie food.  I had ahi tartar, foie gras, coconut shrimp, a puffed pastries with goat cheese ...., quail, organic chicken ...and cake, etc, etc.  On the way home (sun) Mr. and I stopped at the Santa Barbara wharf and had burgers to soak up the alcohol.

I don't like the picture.  I wish Mr. would have taken more time to get a better picture and not be so short with me when I asked him to take one.  I am pissed but oh well, move on.  I guess I could have spoken up and demanded more.  There was many other pictures and I am super fighting the urge to be critical of how I look.  I hate pictures because they don't turn out to look like I felt.  I have a reverse body image.  For years I felt I looked better than I was and then pictures give you the ugly truth.  As you can see here I carry like 90% of my weight in my abdomen area so it's hard to really "rock" the LBD with that going on.
Our room was in the building at the top.
Very similar to our room.  Can't see the walk in shower, rest of bathroom,  fireplace, etc.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Where have I been?

I forgot to weigh myself this am.  Tomorrow is the end of the month so I will kill 2 birds with one stone.  I may have forgotten on purpose.

I already know my weight will not be good.  I can feel it and see it in the mirror, I don't need the scale to tell me.  Makes me think, where have I really been this month?  What have I been doing with regards to my weight loss.  There has been some vast improvements in some areas but the others, hmm. 

I know this sounds like a line of total BS but it is hard for me to drop weigh.  My hormone issues make it really really hard to drop weigh.  I really have to be perfect with all aspects (food, exercise, mental) to get the weigh off.  I know I am struggling with 2 of those areas right now and have been for sometime.  Eating less calories and exercising is not enough to get the pounds off me.

Monday, June 28, 2010

My own Nike Commercial - Just Do It!!!

I am really blessed to live is a beautiful Southern California town.  Yes, it is total Mc Houses in the burbs with a huge association but I would have it no other way.  In our town is a beautiful man made lake with a path all the way around.  The total distance around is 1.1 miles.

I ran the entire way around of 1.1 miles

Mind you I did this 45 min after a full hour of boot camp and I walked 2 laps after. I had my UPT (unofficial personal trainer with her rock hard body she earned) with me pushing my stroller and reminding me to breath and slow down when needed.  She felt like I could have done more and I probably could have but just making the mile was good for today.  More distance later.

Side note - I will post wedding pics later but I stepped on the scale and there was a 2 in front.  Scary.  I hope it is mostly water weight and Tuesday won't be too bad. 

Saturday, June 26, 2010


I am going MIA for a few days.  My parents have been here since Thursday and Mr. and I are heading out of town within the hour for our night away.  Camera is ready.  I am not technologically advanced so I won't be able to use a computer. Heck my home computer still has the big rear ended monitor.

I am excited to dress up and be away but I am slightly disappointed that I am not where I wanted to be weight wise.  I really thought by now I would be in the low 190's or even the 180's.  It will be a much needed awesome weekend away.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Kicking (my) Butt

So, I though that with the consistent exercise I have been doing over the past 6 months that I was getting more physically fit.  Wow was I wrong!  Last wed (6/16) I started a "Boot Camp" style exercise class with 3-8 people per day, 3 days a week for 1 hour.  Basically we do alternating circuits of cardio and strength.  I have completed 4 classes so far.  Now, I know that basically for the last 6 months I have been doing mostly cardio with the only strength training coming from Yoga.  The class is kicking my a**.

On the positive side - I can do the runs and all the exercises in the right form to mostly completion.  Even though I am the heaviest, I keep up with all the skinny girls.  I sweat (rare for me) and really feel I am getting a workout.  I use fairly heavy weights, except on shoulder work.  If I go to heavy there I pay the next day with a headache from the tightness in my upper back.  I don't get too sore, except in my butt the last few days.  So yes there is progress to my fitness level.

On the negative - I am dead dog tired.  I feel like I am in a fog most days.  I get enough sleep minus the multiple interruptions (cat, Mr, baby).  I am more tired that first trimester pregnancy tired.  I hate going up the stairs and look like an old lady doing so.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Weekly Weigh In 6/22/10

Weight = 197.2
Loss = -1.6

My total loss since I started this blog is -19.0.  One more pound and I hit 20.  Sweet!  I will take pictures then, if I can find my camera.  I have been exercising a lot this month.  I am sore and tired but not too bad.

I feeling like I should be channeling the Doors right now.  You know the song lyrics "Break on Thru to the other side".  100% how I feel about my weights over the past month or so.  I just can't seem to break thru.  I will.  I will hit 195.  That is what I am chanting in my head.  195, 195, 195, 195. 

Side note - I have been watching Jullian Michaels new show and I am flabbergasted.  Last week a 300 pound lady lost like 75 pounds in 8 or 9 weeks.  Seriously, 8 pounds a week.  How the hell?

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Maybe it's just in my head but ....

Sorry, a long back story to get to my point is needed.  Yesterday I went to a Tastefully Simple house party at a good friends house.  I paid for a sitter so I could enjoy myself (well worth it).  The time was filled with awesome ladies, great conversation and lots of food.  I have been solidly on the lifestyle change journey for 6 months (plus 2 years for the whole foods thing) and I have noticed one big thing about me now.  I really enjoy talking about nutrition, exercise and weight loss.  This topic came up multiple times in the day.  I do study this topic quite a bit.  Along with my chemistry degree which helps with the science of metabolism and hormones, I also read a ton and discuss with physical therapists, trainers, friends and my endocrinologist.

One time in particular I was talking to a few ladies, I don't really know, about core work and yoga.  One lady was very thin and an exercise enthusiast (2 hrs/ day).  She mentioned she has lower back pain and feels like she doesn't use her core or her core is out of shape.  I mentioned that she should try Yoga and her response was "oh no I like to sweat and work hard".  Well there is the number one misconception with yoga.  Yes, there is calm restorative classes that are mostly passive stretching but a most Yoga classes are exercise, heart pumping and body strengthening.  I also mentioned she should stretch her hamstrings because most low back pain is from tight hamstrings.  Other topics that came up was that weight loss is 80% nutrition, carbs, etc.

Well the point being is that I felt like some of the women ignored what I was saying and sort of shunned me off because I was fat.  Now this may all be in my head but I can't help how I felt, maybe it was the shy awkward girl in me coming out.  It was the thought of "what does she know, look how fat she is", etc.  I don't expect someone to take me for my word but at least give me the time of day.  I may not look like I know what I am saying but do have some knowledge in my brain about all this stuff. 

There was other moments I had with friends that conversation was great and I felt like I was being heard (LC and CW).

Saturday, June 19, 2010

That's What I Call a Binge

Last night I had dinner at a friends.  I knew I would be eating there and I could take a guess a what would be served.  I prepared during the day by eating a bit on the lighter side.  I planned on having some yummies but oh course not over doing it.  M-O-D-E-R-A-T-I-O-N

Food was - Starters - chips with fresh salad and guac.  Dinner - Sliced turkey breast, roasted potatoes, salad with ranch, rolls with butter.   Desert - warm butter cookies and ice cream.  Everything was served buffet style - a binge trigger for me.

So I - I started with a small plate of a small handful of chips with a bit of guac and salsa.  For dinner I loaded my plate with salad, ranch, cut up turkey, a tiny helping of potatoes, a roll with butter.  I barely touched the potatoes.  Then I had another roll with butter and some more salad.  Could have skipped the second roll, but wait I wasn't done I went in for a 3rd roll with butter (admittedly my weakness is a nice soft warm roll with melted butter).  That's where the binge comes in.  I didn't need 3, I should have stopped myself.

And onto desert - I started with 1 dough ball, then 2 cookies.  Ok stopping here would have been a good place.  Oh another dough ball.  Then the desert spread was put out.  I had a tiny scoop of ice cream and more cookies.  I sat in front of the cookie plate and kept shoveling.  I honestly don't know how many cookies I had.  I never got the overstuffed feeling but I did binge.  I finally stopped but then about 2 hours later, 2 more cookies.  Why.   When something is super yummy to me I don't seem to be satisfied with just one or two.  I eat to excess without thinking.  This is a perfect example of what I call a B-I-N-G-E.

Friday, June 18, 2010

How I eat (most of the time)

If one oversteps the bounds of moderation, the greatest pleasures cease to please. ~Epictetus
I wanted to summarize how I eat.  The reason I say most of the time is because sometimes I eat out and sometime I have a yummy thing or two and then there is other times where I full out binge.  I will be working on the mental aspects of the binge part.  I do need to correct my binge habit.  I would say it might be 1-2 times a month.  I define a binge as - stuffing myself, unconsciously eating without any thought or plan, eating even though I know I shouldn't.  Being that I am on a lifestyle change, not a diet, I will sometimes eat a desert or have some bread, etc.  I do not consider these binges, I consider it part of life.  The key to life is moderation.

This is how I eat most of the time.
  • I don't track calories or write down what I eat
  • "relatively" clean and mostly whole foods.  No frozen meals, no artificial sweeteners, no HFCS, almost no over processed items.  I am slowly working on cleaning it up more.  I can't afford to go organic.
  • no soda or juice
  • lots of water and tea
  • use sugar in my am tea but that's about it
  • whole grains, whole wheat pasta, brown rice, quinoa, steel oats etc
  • use whey protein powder on occasion
  • use flax meal and sometime flax oil
  • lean meats (chicken mostly) and rarely some red meat
  • outside food 2-6 times a month max
  • eat 4-5 times a day
  • keep my bread carb grams to under 30 with a meal and 15 for a snack (crackers), I don't count the fruit or veggie carbs that I might be eating, I just concentrate on the bread carbs.
  • I try not to eat bread, when I do it will be in a sandwich at lunch
  • I keep my portions small and I eat to satisfaction (not stuffed)
  • I try to add fresh fruits and veggies when I can.  I have a hard time with the veggies.
  • I always eat a protein with a grain
Just a note, I am NOT a salad person.  I don't mind a side salad but not a salad as a meal.  I always get hungry much sooner.  I never feel satisfied.  It takes forever to eat with little benefit.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

My day

I have so much to say but no time to say it.  Yesterday was day 1 of my  Boot Camp.  It wasn't too difficult.  I did the exercises close to the hardest level.  I did take a breather here and there but not too often.  Overall, I enjoyed the class and I feel it helped push myself.  I am competitive, so group exercise classes help me with the extra umph.  I did get super tired later in the afternoon, super slump.

Today, I woke up with a headache 6 hours ago and I still have it.  I usually try to avoid taking drugs but it looks like I need some.  I am sore and that might be the cause of the headache.  Nothing too painful, my butt and upper back.  I hate headaches and my usual MO is to feed then away.  My brain thinks eat food (comfort) and you will feel better.  I am trying really hard not to eat (binge).  Today, so far I ate black tea*, steel oatmeal with flax meal, protein powder and blueberries, water and string cheese.  I am going to make myself some lunch here soon.

* My am tea is Earl Grey Creme with sugar and milk.  Someday I will get rid of the sugar.  It's really the only thing I add sugar to.  I just can't drink black tea without sugar.  All my other teas I can do without sugar.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Weekly Weigh In 6/15/10

Weight = 198.8
Loss = + 1.4

No time to blog about it.  Short list is Mother Nature, sick teething baby, road trip to parents, lax on food, lax on exercise.  I will have more soon.  I know where the problem is and how I will fix it.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

"Emancipate Yourself From Mental Slavery"

Awhile ago I mentioned here that I dislike attention / comments from men.  I said would elaborate later but I have a hard time putting my feeling about it into words.  Well just the other day I read a section of a book that really put it in perspective for me.  I am reading this book.
I will paraphrase some of the things she wrote.  But while I was reading it more than once I put the book down with an ah ha moment.  This is on page 117 and the title is "Attention is Scary" in the chapter "Reclaiming Your Life".
Many overweight people tell me they use their excess fat to insulate themselves from others...  There are many reasons for protecting oneself this way.  For some the fatty layer is a form of protection against abuse, shyness and unhappiness.  For other's, its more of an awareness of the affliction they suffer with, being overweight ... If you have demons that make you want to hide from the world under a layer of fat .. then you have to learn to deal with those issues in a different way.  Bob Marley once said "emancipate yourself from mental slavery".... If you are uncomfortable with sexual attention, do not fear.  Although your new, leaner self will ... make you feel more attractive, you don't have to attract sexual attention unless you want it.  The way people perceive you depends on the way you present yourself.
Let's just say in my very very long ago past I didn't deal well with sexual attention, too involved, too young.  Then I started gaining weight and I spent a good part of 5 years single with out any prospects.  My esteem about this was in the crapper for sure.  Then I met the wrong guy and spent the better part of 3 years sort of being with that wrong guy.  Luckily, I broke away from the wrong guy, sought therapy and worked on some issues and gave my heart and soul to the right guy (11 years ago and still going).  The point of this is that it has been 15 years or more where I had attention from the opposite sex.  It makes me uncomfortable (former shy girl) and I don't know how to deal with it.  I am still shy with Mr.  and I sometimes get silly and giggle.  I think it's the thought of "really someone is attracted to me."  I have very cute friends who to this day get attention all the time (despite the ring) but they have been dealing with it for so long they have the armor to do so.  To sum it up, other than Mr. I seriously haven't been hit on in like 15 years or more.  It's totally foreign to me.  Hell, I might not even recognise it.  So I partially agree with what Tosca is saying about how you present yourself but I think you also need some tools in your belt on how to deal with the attention regardless if you want it or not.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Not a good day

I am going to admit right now what I ate today.  Before I give you all the gorey details, I will give the excuses.  I hate the word excuses because truly there is no good excuse for going off track with my journey.  But journey is the word here, it's not perfect, it is a jagged path of choices and consequences.  Last night I stayed up too late, went to bed without Mr. being home (poker) and slept restlessly until he got home (worry about  30+ miles drive he was making), baby woke at 4am, back down, monthly visitor came, packed in the morning (rushed, no breakfast), drove 7 plus hours (350 miles +) by myself with 6yo and baby, baby cranky from molars cutting, no exercise, tired, etc.
usual tea with milk and sugar, 5 soft pretzels *, In and Out burger, fries and real Coke, 2 hot dogs with processed cheese and white bun, sticky gooey roll.
* on the way to my parents I picked up 3 dz homemade soft pretzels for my dad, just out of the oven.  Because I failed to eat breakfast and rushed, I binged on 5 of them in the car on the way up. 

How do I feel - like sh*t.  Really.  My stomach hurts and is super super bloated.  I have a sneezey, runny nose.  I am cranky and lethargic.  I feel like I can't breathe and I have bad indigestion.  There was absolutely no nutritional value in my entire day.  I actually asked for no lettuce on my burger.  Nothing green, nothing clean.  Geeze, it sounds like a slogan for disaster.  Tomorrow I will repair the damage.  Water, exercise and clean eating.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Weekly Weigh In 6/08/10

Weight = 197.4
Loss = -2.4

Back on track baby.  Now I have to push thru the 197 barrier I have been messing around with for weeks.  I recently found out thru my blog reading that I am not the only one who teeter totters around a weight.  I really think it fear of being successful.  Fear of actually doing it and doing right.  Fear of being successful at something you were never successful at for on and off 20 years.

I have been on an exercise kick.  I am mentally felling much better.  Today I am feeling that exercise exhaustion.  I am still having problems with balancing my life.  My house is a clutter nightmare and its really getting me depressed but with a super super active and curious 15 month old I have a hard time getting things done.  When he sleeps, I exercise, blog, do the general cleaning or laundry required daily.  When my Mr. is home I want to spend time with him, not organizing.

I have 18 days till the black dress wearing wedding.  It will be a weekend away (1 night) away for Mr. and I in a beautiful resort on the Santa Barbara coast.  I want to rock that black dress.  I have some shoes, I still need a new bra and a necklace.

Monday, June 7, 2010

My Past Attempts and Past Weights Part 1 - Weight Watchers

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.  - Theodore Roosevelt
I feel it time to review were I have been.  This is part dieting history and part personal history.  Looking back I was not an overweight kid or teen.  Because my genetic tendency is to carry my weight all in my stomach, I was probably a bit chubby at most.  I never had the super thin teen body.  I was athletic.  I played soccer for years.  I remember feeling fat and dieting on several occasion in my teens.   I can't remember the specifics.  I also had a chest.  That developed in like 5th grade.  I was teased mercilessly for that.  So you can imagine a large chest on top of a bit of chunk on your tummy makes you look bigger.   One of the things about PCOS is that you weight starts creeping on when you reach adulthood (fertility years). 

Again due my poor memory I can remember exact details but I could guess I probably did Weight Watchers (WW) about 5 times or more between my late teens and into the 20's and 30's.  I did all different programs.  I did the traditional, points and tracking.  I did the meals.  I did the online program.  I don't intend to knock WW, but I only recently discovered it's not the program for me.  I think it provides tools for portion control which is a key to weigh loss success.  Over the past about 10 years I learned the long and hard way to portion control myself.  I am not always successful at it.  I first had to unlearn the "clean you plate" mentality.  That was hard.  Then I had to break the eating till I am stuffed idea.  Funny thing about me is that I sneeze many many times (like 30 times) when I overstuffed myself.  It's gotten to the point over the years that loved ones will jokingly tell me to stop eating when I start sneezing.  Buffet / party food is still a challenge for me on overeating.

I haven't been on the WW program for over 5 years or more but I now know why it never worked.  Counting calories at this point is not good for me.  I get obsessive about it, spend way to much time getting it just right and when I feel like it not just right I feel like I failed.  When I feel failure (in any aspect of life) I seek food for comfort.  No, vegetables don't not provide that comfort.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Hot Yoga

On Friday night I tried my first Hot Yoga class.  I went to a place called Core Power  I guess they are a franchise yoga studio. Here is the class description.  Mind you this was in an enclosed room at about 105 degrees with humidity.

HP FUSION/Hot Power Fusion: Blend the best of both types of yoga offered by CorePower. A Vinyasa-style yoga practiced in a heated, climate Controlled, environment that incorporates the poses from the Hot Yoga series systematically working the entire body, concentrating on the essence of every organ, bone, joint, muscle, ligament, tendon, blood vessel, nerve and gland. Inspiring, fun and uplifting music will be the background for this revolutionary class.
I sweated big time.  More then I can remember ever sweating.  The odd thing was that my heart was racing but my breath was totally calm.  I didn't enjoy the class flow.  Way too many balance poses.  I think I may have done only 2 planks and maybe 4 down dogs.  Way too few for a Vinyasa flow class.  They have other classes at 90 degrees I will try with my free week pass (on the website).  One cool trick a friendly person mentioned was to sit near the back door because the instructor opens it on occasion.  Awesome burst of cool air.  I drank about 2 L of water during and just after the class.  I feel like it also gave me a headache.  Overall my opinion is I am not sure Hot Yoga is my thing.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Zero Excuses for Increasing My Fitness Levels

I have no excuses (except maybe time) for getting my FIT on this month.  Over the past few days I won some silent auction and raffle prises.  The first 2 were at the elementary school for the PTA.  The third was a raffle prize at a luncheon for my Moms Club.  Here is what I won.
  1. 1 month of boot camp
  2. 10 class pack of kickboxing with a tank top and boxing gloves.
  3. 1 free in home personal training session, an exercise ball, a massage and resistance tubing
  4. I also signed up for a free week of Hot Yoga
All this for the low low price of $130.  I can't beat that price.  I also have available to me.
  1. My treadmill
  2. Weight bench with multiple weights
  3. Wii Fit
  4. Boxing punch mitts (Mother's day gift) - imagine Julian in the BL gym
  5. California sunshine and beauty to go outside
  6. 5 class pack to my yoga studio (not the Hot Yoga)
  I am excited.  Now comes the scheduling.

Friday, June 4, 2010

More Tommorow

So sorry I have been MIA.  I vowed to try to post something everyday but that didn't happen this week.  Between swim lesson for the baby both days (TH & F), different school sch on Thur, kindergarten open house, birthday parties, working out, normal house & kid crap,  Mr. new schedule adjustment, multiple errands to many stores, Dr. apts, belated birthday lunch with a girlfriend, etc, I really haven't had a chance to offload all the thoughts in my head I want to share.  It also doesn't help my computer is a dinosaur (2003 baby) and my Mr. gets a bit frustrated when I am on it.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

May in Review

Start weight (5/4) = 198.4
End weight (6/1) = 199.8
Loss = + 1.4

Considering the amount of Damage (eating, not exercising) I did, the gain isn't too bad.  No more wallowing.  I WILL defeat this and move on.  180 is in my scope.  Watch out here I come

I exercised 11 of 31 days, 35% of the days.  Yuck.  I know my foot was injured but that's not a good excuse.  I am back on track.  Last 4 days I exercised every day.  I did the Wii fit yesterday.  I am begining to enjoy it.  I think you have to give it time.  You have to show you can do an exercise before it really lets you workout.  I am going to explore the user settings to see if I reduce the lag time between exercises.

Doing great.  I love water and tea.  The only thing I have to drop in this dept. is the sugar in my am black tea.  I have a hard time dropping that.  Super long term habit.

I am working on a blog post to describe my plan.  The plan of how I should eat and mostly do.  Now that my hubby's work schedule shifted from working swings (2 pm - 3 am) to days (6a-7p) I will be more motivated to cook everyday.  My passion for cooking went on vacation at some point.  I NEED more veggies and explore more cooking options for them.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Weekly Weigh In 6/01/10

Weight = 199.8
Loss = + 1.4

I expected this.  I am pissed and feel like quitting, but why?  It's not like I did the work to have a loss.  It would be valid to be upset if I actually did what was required to drop weight.  I have had lots of wine and food this month.  Wine probably turns straight to sugar in my messed up body.

Don't worry I am not quitting but I am still mad at myself for what I did.  I am thinking about not setting specific goals in June.  I suffer from self sabotage.  If I get close to a goal I have a tendency to screw it up.  I wonder if there is a book out there for me.  I really have to think about this one before I decide if I want to set a goal.

I am also begining to realise I have an issues with binging.  Let me tell you about yesterday.  I ate breakfast way too late which consisted of an attempt of poaching 2 eggs (I ate about 75%) and 2 slices of light wheat bread with butter and 1 slice with Jam.  For lunch I had a Jersey Mikes regular club sub with all the trimmings (1120 cal, 80 g fat, 58g carbs) and ruffles (320 cal, 22g fat, 28g carbs), to top off that feast I stuffed myself with almost a whole sleeve of fig newtons (550 cal, 10g fat, 110g carbs).  I ate in one meal more calories than my body needs in one day.  I felt yucky for most of the rest of the day.  For dinner I had beans, salsa and sour cream with chips.  I also had about 2 glasses of wine.